CHAPTER 20: Philosophy Drives Me Mad; Incoherent Mind

Welcome


Recently, I have a very dark thought in my mind. Should I have found the truth in what my Creator wants me (and others) to believe and practise, I will leave for God’s commandments –I do not have a choice. I ask for guidance and then He gives me one. Is it then alright of me to reject it and return to my comfort zone? But it hurts me more to be an opponent of Islam should I learn that there is a religion or belief which is an absolute truth, assuming for the sake of discussion that the faith I am in is not. Not that I ask for that –I asked to be guided to the right path, the path of the righteous who never incur His wrath, the path not of those who have gone astray. Being an opponent to my home is the last thing that I ever want. And I am not a prophet; I am merely a human, seeking to understand the world and the people around including myself.

It was a painful journey for me, having coming to a stage in my life to discard and detach myself from most of the things I believe and then embark with nearly nothing. I remember the times I suffered subconsciously because of doubt. Those were the days full of hidden anger and despair, let alone depression as I concealed it from everyone by putting up a false pretence of me having assurance of what I had faith in. I would pretty much concede of my biasness during that period of mine. My mind was not coherent with my thoughts and the things I believed till today unorganised.

But maybe now after a deep thought-process which it will trouble any of us to delve into our minds, I have come to reassure myself that God does exist and He cannot be in any way that I thought of Him. That is to say, He cannot be a demon or aka a god with an evil personality or someone from the future. Some of you may want to argue that my definition of good and evil stems from my experience in the world. Partially, that is true. Yet at the same time after all these thoughts of the possibilities who my creator would be, I could describe that despite how illusionary the empirical world I live in there are notions or ideas that actually represent reality even if they are as intangible as my mind. What I mean is; I come to know there is a creator after acknowledging that I cannot be born without any cause and I cannot be sure of my existence unless I think. In my opinion, such a gift proves the existence of a creator. And even if we learn the descriptions and names of the terms good and evil, in the “realm” of thoughts we would still recognise the things which we need to know for ourselves so as to lead a life full of meanings. That is as far as I can describe best for now; I admit that in my mind right now is as messed up as before. However, I am beginning to clear things up as much as I can. Thus, you may not find me to be able to answer to my own points convincingly. The best example which I can provide for you to think about is Descartes’ idea of truth in geometry. One add to another one becomes two i.e. 1 + 1 = 2 and it is never possible for one adds to one to become greater than the amount it should give e.g. 1 + 1 does not give more an answer more or less than 2. In whatever language we used to describe the abovementioned idea, it is probably undeniable that such an idea does exist. With regards to the definition of good and evil, at this stage I could only provide an answer to the definition of evil to as far as a notion which hinders me from seeking and finding the truth along with the true meaning of my existence. Thus, I am more inclined in acknowledging that the deception is part of the characteristic of evil, to mislead me from knowing real is.

Well, I do not really see any point of actually summarising what I have already discussed in my previous entries. You know well that I have the habit of writing a lengthy article even though I have tried not to. Until there comes a time that I can express everything in my mind, I must then organise my thoughts and connect them together so as to make sense of things for myself (and yes, I need to share that I got nagged by my mom a minute ago for my messy room –thus I may not be able to write coherently). What I am pretty sure right now is to study as much as I can about the beliefs of others and what I have faith in.

However, until I am proven wrong, I do not have a choice but to go on believing what I believe. Yet at the same time, I should continue my struggle in searching for the truth with an unbiased and open mind. It is not easy, though. Moreover, I am not even in the actual state I should be in i.e. I am disturbed by many things lately, emotionally, mentally and physically.

I almost have nothing to say as I am typing down for the very last chapter which falls under the revealed label i.e. P _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _. Some of you might have already known or guessed what the hidden words are and could have probably suspected it is Philosophy. Indeed, philosophy drives me mad –nobody said it hadn’t. It is not that I’d never raised a question to my facilitator who taught me in the G208 module regarding how a genuine seeker of knowledge could come to realise about truth since the theories in philosophy is almost contradicting to each other. I did.

CHAPTER 19: P_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ Drives Me Mad; Plato’s Cave

Welcome


I have been procrastinating from my main and materialistic objectives, certainly. I have no doubt in that. As I am currently waiting for an uploaded video in YouTube to fully load, I thought maybe I should start my next chapter of my journey.

It has been for the past a couple of months since I decided to pour out my thoughts. And as I am typing, I hope that what I intended is consistent up to now. I truly hope I have been sincere in undertaking such a path that I never knew would be full of obstacles especially the misunderstandings of friends moreover some of those I have known for years. In the course of relieving my mind by pouring my thoughts, I was often hindered by a darker voice in me as though tempting me to write so as to gain fame.

Truly, being acknowledged as such a person whom I am not is never been something which I ever want. I do not remember if I ever mentioned that once someone called me a philosopher merely because I was currently reading on philosophies and within me I took that as sort of a mockery. To be known as a philosopher is not my intention of studying philosophy. I do not want to care whatever names or titles people give me. All I want is I. I want to be sincere in my soul-searching for the truth because I will not be spared from death either. And that fact is terrifying when I have come to a realisation that God exists especially when I do not know what I will be heading after my soul leaves the world. Thus, I should not take advantage of His Mercy.

I beg your pardon for the usual digression. I think it is time of me to proceed with what I intended for this entry.

I remember attempting to explain about the allegory of Plato’s cave in my second semester of my first year in polytechnic. Back then, I had no idea what such metaphor really meant –all I could afford in explaining was only describing how the scene seemed like. I only realised what the Greek philosopher Plato meant by such metaphor. And, sighing a light breath, I will resume in explaining what I failed to do so years ago when I was still an ignorant.

There was a cave and in it were prisoners whose bodies, hands, legs and heads were chained to face the cave’s wall. Behind them was a light source, presumably a fire, for objects behind it to be cast on the wall as shadows. Imprisoned since at a very young age, these prisoners had nothing to stare or watch but the moving shadows (since there were people behind the light source carrying the objects for the prisoners to perceive the dark objects over the illuminated wall). Thus, the only reality they recognised was the dark figures on the wall as they could not turn or toss their heads around to see where these shadows came from. Since young, the prisoners had thought and perceived the shadows as real.

However one day, one of the prisoners somehow managed to escape out of the cave and soon first learnt how glaring the sun was as though its rays of light were searing his eyes. Having imprisoned in a cave with a dimly lit light, he had thus never gotten to use his sight to adapt to a brightness of a light more intense than what he had experienced in his childhood. Strolling about, he began to learn of his surroundings through the senses which he never had the chance to use during his imprisonment. After all, his entire body was chained, removing any chance for mobility, not even to turn his head in another direction but forced to face the illuminated wall with shadows passing back and forth before him.

He began to gain mastery over the remaining senses which he had been deprived of since as a child until his escape. He soon learnt that the shadows he perceived as real had not been real but an illusion. For, at the realisation of the world beyond the mere shadows, he finally grasped the understanding what he had observed and experienced. This new experience of his had probably dawned upon him that there were more than what he had seen when he was chained to watch only what laid before him.

With this form of knowledge and understanding, he returned to the cave in compassion towards his fellow prison mates for the state of misery they were in, though they did not perceive themselves as miserable due to lack of knowledge of what laid beyond their world of shadows. He then explained to the remaining prisoners who were still chained and imprisoned of what he had been through, what he had found out and learnt, to convince them that their world is all an illusion and that the real world is something much greater and more interesting. Unfortunately, being brought up to believe the shadows as real and never seen what was beyond their reality, they grew sceptical of him. Despite all those years in the cave but after the experiences in the world than mere shadows, his eyes could no longer be adjusted to the gloom of the cave. He could no longer bring himself up to identify the shadows on the wall after all that he had learnt in the real world. Thus, his failure in identifying the shadows led his claimed knowledge of a greater reality to be believed by the other prisoners as falsehood –probably a bogus. If they could reach their hands on him, they would kill him.

Having said, my understanding of Plato’s cave is regarding people belonging to a society or masses whose beliefs have been instilled upon them since at the very young age and grow up into believing them to be a sense of truth. At one point of time, a person goes on a journey in the quest of understanding the world and learns that there are greater truths beyond his perception of truth, which he has been raised with. Thus having undertaking such a journey, he returns to where he comes from and begins to share with the people. Unfortunately because the people are obsessed with their beliefs, they refuse and reject him. In certain cultures and norms, people may go as far as to persecute such a person who has found a greater truth than what he initially thought it was. Whether such persecution is motivated by a covering of truth so as to confine the people in their delusions or failure in putting themselves in the shoes of the person is unknown –people could be motivated by all sorts of reasons to perform certain actions. God knows what their intentions are.

In my opinion, not that everything we are being brought up with is false. However, undertaking such a journey is to take a step back and watch and scrutinise our beliefs or what we used to believe so as to reaffirm the things we have been clinging on. Only one with a sincere and earnest heart will be able to discover the truth which he has been searching like one whose memory is lost and trying to remember the events of his life prior to his loss of memory.

Possibly, that is the journey that I am still undertaking so far, though I do not denounce the religion which I have been brought up with since young. Not that I am afraid to do so, which is partially true, but due to the fact that I have once again reaffirmed with myself that there is God. And because I do not know which way or belief is the truth, I will believe and worship Him in the ways that are taught to me until I found a belief which is an absolute truth.

So far, I have arrived to a point where either I have misunderstood people or they misunderstood me –and could be both. I remember the times whereby I spewed bad languages at others due to different in beliefs, not necessarily different religions. Those were the days before I faced a doubt in my own faith especially people belonging to another faith who have claimed to have divine experiences. I do not truly wish to repeat that again since I have already mentioned it before. I remember those days whereby I believed pieces and bits of information from here and there without piecing and connecting them together so as to understand the whole context of the information. This happens whenever I studied Hadiths with my teacher. During those days, I took the lessons for granted and believed all the things what he said, assuming that he knew what he was saying. I do not say he was wrong (I still attend for his lessons) but whatever I have been through has opened my eyes to comprehend the world better instead of just believing what is been fed to me. I do not see the whole picture of information but I will continue trusting my teacher because of his religious background in the aspect of studies which he is teaching. However should I come to discover on my own what certain information means and thus differing from opinions or have been often taken as truth by others, I will be keen to clarify it with the people who are knowledgeable in that field of study.

I remember coming back to my secondary school to share my experiences and how I attained good results in my studies with the students who would be sitting for their major examinations soon. My former Design and Technology teacher, Mr Lim, told me of it which reminded me of a statement by one of Prophet Muhammad’s companions. And somehow I am beginning to see things that way too, which goes, “The more I learn, the more I feel there are knowledge which I do not know”. Those lines are not taken directly or remembered accurately; those lines are what I could comprehend from what my former teacher and the companion said. All praises be upon God for all His guidance. By the way, I feel bad for regarding Mr Lim as my former teacher. I think I will still stick to calling him a teacher even though he no longer teaches me. But it does not change the fact that he has once taught me which I did not know and no doubt that even if I were to possess an amount of knowledge more than him in the field of what he taught me, I would never have done so without him being one of those who gave me the push, not to mention introducing me to such knowledge.

In my search for the truth, I have often been misunderstood. But I couldn’t help but wish to console myself that I was once like them. Thanks to the mercy of God that my way of thinking has improved. However, that is not due to the studies in philosophy. Rather, such ability has been blessed to me as far as I can remember in undertaking the Anthropological Studies in the second-year of my polytechnic. Well, obviously that module does not have anything got to do with theories in philosophy. In addition, I had never encountered any names of philosophers during that time, saved probably Plato, Socrates and Aristotle, those of whom I found the names familiar but never actually knew who they were. I did not know who Rene Descartes was, not to mention a few others such as Immanuel Kant, Isaiah Berlin, Popper, John Locke, Sigmund Freud, Stuart Mill, Hume and others whom either I cannot recall or do not know at all. Of course, I did not know the theories they brought. However the Anthropological Studies module did benefit me in ways of how we studied about others especially their behaviours and possibly used these methods into studying other issues too.

I remember having taking that module; we went to the fast food restaurants in shopping malls, park and boarding the trains so as to observe the behaviours of people in certain places and certain times, not to mention interviewing them. It is because we wanted to extract the most accurate studies of certain issues that we were motivated to think critically. Thus, those who thought I have yet to accept certain things in religions due to the influence of philosophy should not blame on either me or the studies of philosophy itself. In fact, I already asked myself questions which I later found out that there were people who asked those same questions as I did when I stepped into classes in philosophy.

Perhaps I have learnt and should always remind myself never to react according to my instinct when I first receive certain information that differs from my opinions and beliefs. I should constantly remind myself to calm down and think and ponder so as to comprehend this information and at the same time make comparisons, not to mention understanding the purpose of it.

May God allow me to have peace of mind
All praises be upon Him and glory be unto His holy Name
May God guides us all
May God forgives our sins and melt our hearts and cleanse them from stains of filth of ignorance and arrogance
May He make us better people, for we are all His slaves who are in debt to Him

Ameen

And yes, probably another special treat;

CHAPTER 18: P_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ Drives Me Mad; The Creator

Welcome


By this point of my life, I am truly in need of help to get rid of my cravings towards certain things such as food and other vicious habits which have been taking place in nearly my entire life.

I am not saying that food is such a threat to my life. However, I acknowledge that certain food does give benefits and certain ones do not. Rather, the latter often causes harm. There are other kinds of things and acts which will eventually ruin me. Yet the cause and effect notion does not only exist in the idea of cravings alone. Literally, it means I will face the outcome of what I do. I hit myself with a stick and thus, I feel hurt (or when somebody throws a blow at me); I feel the pain. I walk in an open space with the heat of the sun blazing over me and I feel its heat.

However, I could be wrong in my experiences because I could still probably be living in a dream in a state of “waking up”. My five senses could still be deceiving me and I do not have the knowledge if I could ever trust in any of them. Furthermore as I said above, I am tired and weary of all my cravings and desires. Realising how much they affect my time, I want to go for a change. At the same time, I am uncertain if returning to my vicious habits is ever right of me. What I am certain is how much damage they have caused upon me even if I exist only as a mind.

In any case, I cannot deny that there’s still a creator who created me. And I would like to know who this creator is especially after what I have done so as to find a direction in my life and acknowledging my purpose of existence.


Demon as the creator

In my previous entries, I talked about what if all my life there is a demon that is pulling the strings on me as suggested by Descartes. What if he, the demon, could be my creator? Well, I have no doubt in my mind that the term “demon” is used to describe a living entity with attributes opposed to “God” whose term is used to describe a living entity who is all-powerful, all-knowledgeable, the most greatest, the most loving and merciful and the one who possess all good attributes. In short, God is good in nature. Thus the term “demon” is a name of the entity of the opposite attributes of the term “God”. It is not surprising that such a living entity to be given the name “demon” creates me with the purpose to deceive me because of his evil-nature. These two terms are what have been taught to me while I am in this world. Hence, it does seem to make more sense if the “puppets” around me exist with a sole purpose to deceive and hinder me from finding the truth i.e. what everything is, like a hamster in a box where around it are hamster-dummies that look like the real one.

The explanation above may be a self-defeating argument. It is because on one hand, I doubt if everything is merely an illusion. At the same time, I brought up about what I have been taught in this world to make a comparison between two entities that either of them could be my creator. I should be aware and even reminded that I am relating my worldly experiences to distinguish between the two. The case here could be contradicting because in the first place, I detached myself from the world I thought was the truth. However in one of my earlier entries, I made the following statement; “Interestingly, if I have a thought that all my life I have been deceived by a demon all along, would that not logically prove there are good and evil?”

Somehow, my experiences in this world taught me about languages and meanings of words in certain language to give descriptions to a particular entity. What is me should I not know any way of communication? At least, the idea is there; there is good and evil; and in this case, I will say that the act of deceiving me from achieving what I need or ought to know belongs to an evil act. Needless to say, what I need or ought to know so as to lead my life better in which I may be able to overcome every deception of life is good.

The act of deception puts my life at stake and thus, I couldn’t be more wrong than to declare that the demon is evil; after learning what the word “demon” and its meaning, I couldn’t be more wrong about my description of the attributes of a demon. A demon with a sole purpose to deceive me should have known that I am about to wake up from my sleep i.e. gaining consciousness from the deceiving world. After all, all my experiences have causes and effects in every action or path I have taken so far, and some hurts me and some do not. I feel pain as a price of committing certain acts and I feel relieved or joyful as a price for some acts. So, I would like to know what is basically going on. Why do I have to go through such experiences? What is the meaning of all these? It is as though I have been designed to think that I should not take all that happened to me for granted.

Assuming that the demon created such thoughts in me so as to continue deceiving me into coming to this stage, then what could my thought-process mean when everything that I have been talking seems to no avail i.e. not getting closer to truth? I cannot comprehend how much I will be deceived especially after coming to a realisation that the incidents in my life were due to the idea of cause and effect. It is as though the time is now that I begin to break away from the chains of deception and live a new life, a life in disciplining myself from succumbing to temptations and work for probably an inner joy. Despite having to live my life with the “puppets”, I will live to the fullest as much as I can.

Having said, there are two flaws should the demon be my creator.

Firstly, if I do still believe I live among the “puppets” and that I am the only one exist, then it should have occurred to me as to why I still decided to live –I could have chosen to end my life now by, say, suicide as I will often face frustration. After all, it is pointless for me to live in this world where I have no real people to communicate but billions of dummies.

Secondly, as I have come to a thought whereby all around me could be an illusion and strive to live my life to the fullest by acknowledging the presence of cause and effect, I am probably at the same time fighting against my creator. In other words, my creator created me as a form of “entertainment" for himself but yet I realise what he is up to and thus, I decided to do my utmost best so as not to fall into his trap and live as long as what he has created for my mind to take or exist. I cannot simply accept that idea because it is too unbearable of me to take it to the purpose of my existence. After all, it is not all the incidents in my life which have negative outcomes i.e. causing me too much pain. However, there have been good outcomes and I am somehow pleased or grateful for such occurrences. And if I could defeat the demon through the means of living to the fullest, then I might probably be proving the lack of intellectual of my creator, again assuming he is the demon. He created me and even “programmed” me with such thoughts, only to be defeated by his own creation by waking up from his deceit when he should have anticipated or foreseen what could have happened.

Even if there is an all-powerful being, say the god, whose place of authority over me (because he created me) is usurped by the demon, I cannot possibly accept such a possibility too as in this case the demon is also part of god’s creations. The fact that an all-powerful being could create such an intangible entity as my mind should have proven me that he too not only possesses a great power which not even I could have but a great intelligence which mine can never match his. Because of such intelligence, god would have known and foreseen the coming of his supposed demise. But why do I really have to go that far when I acknowledged him to be an all-powerful entity? Because he is all-powerful, he is thus capable of defeating the demon himself since the latter is also his creation. The demon would have gotten owned by god before the former could even reach him.

But because I acknowledge god as not only being all-powerful but as well as all-knowledgeable, what if I am created by my future self or anyone like me yet comes from a distant future? The reason behind me bringing up this is because if I could acknowledge that god is all-knowledgeable in creating an intangible entity such as my mind which provides me with the idea of my existence (I think, therefore I am), then I need to consider the possibility of someone from the future to have possessed such knowledge i.e. who too can create a mind.


Someone from future as the creator –ontological paradox

In the world I live, I have “seen” and witnessed the so-called progression in science and advancement of technologies to have created so many things to benefit our lives –the lives of mine and the “puppets”. Because of the rapid changes throughout time, I consider the probability how much advancement in all these could go. Is it possible that the world I am supposedly to be living today be in a more comfortable state than what I am now? Thus, is it possible that I was created by someone from a distant future? In the first place, I mentioned that I acknowledged my creator to be all-powerful and all-knowledgeable because of his capabilities and abilities to create my mind, which is intangible and cannot even be seen.

But if there is someone who creates my mind to be me and puts me into the present, which happens to be before his time, then the question is; who created him? How can he exist without me, who needs to live so as to continue the timeline for him to create me?

What if that someone is a rather different being, though having the same properties as I do i.e. a mind that creates me yet different in some ways from in which I can never be able to create another mind? Moreover, he comes from the future. Firstly, I do not understand why I should accept that notion. He is different from me in terms of capabilities yet he is as same as I am in regards of having a mind (and probably a body). It is not necessarily that he could have created me but there could be others whom he created before me and live through the timeline for me to be born or exist. If that is the case, then the people around me are not “puppets” but real people –persons like myself with minds too. That someone could have created those like me before his time and suddenly because there is a change in time flow, the era he lives in is suddenly full of people. That probably reminds me of the plot in both novel and film titled Andromeda Strain –what an ontological paradox.

Here are some questions; where does he come from? Which time does he belong to? Who created him? And what is the point of him appearing in the distant future just to create entities like myself? More importantly, why should I be bothered about the second question of this paragraph in this case? I am as good as accepting only that there is a creator and he creates me.

But coming to this far gives me something to consider about; time.

I acknowledge that my creator is an all-powerful and all-knowledgeable being for having able to create a mind such as mine for me to identify and ponder about my existence. It would be a good question that I should ask who created my creator. Well, pursuing for an answer to this question will lead to never ending questions. Thus, all I could acknowledge is; there is something far greater than I am to have not only live such a long time but never born and never die; it is eternal. Unlike me who am bound by time, that something probably is not. Why could I not accept other incomprehensible attributes that are not given to me if I already acknowledge that something is all-powerful and all-knowledgeable? And why could I not accept that my creator is possibly eternal, seeming that he has the attributes which I described above? My mind is the evidence of his knowledge and power and because how it (my mind) is created is beyond my understanding, then he is possibly eternal. After all that is been shared, he cannot have been sharing the same attributes as I am since I cannot even duplicate my own mind. Because my creator is eternal, for all I know even time could be part of his creation.


Creator’s Attributes

Up to now, the only attributes I recognise in my creator are omnipotence, omniscience and eternal. Of course, he is unseen –but that does not necessarily mean he is invisible or the whole concept of my creator is just an idea. It is because he could probably be far away from where I am, yet at the same time he knows all about me as he is watching me. The attribute of omnipresence is probably applied between us for now since I have yet to be sure if the people around me are real i.e. possess a mind as I do.

I thought about the creator, whom I probably know him by god now, to share the same attributes as the demon. In other words, he is the god who is evil. But since I brought up the issue about the demon as my creator, then I should know that there is not a difference between god and demon in attributes. In the first place the moment I raised the question regarding the demon as my creator, I should be aware that I was assuming the creator to be evil. And that is already discussed; if god is evil i.e. deceiving me all the time, then either the solution of my life is to resort to suicide (as I no longer see any meaning to live) or strive to defeat him by living to my utmost best.

Now I turn to my creator and declare that he exists and I truly acknowledge his existence. But I have yet to find the purpose of my existence. And only he can provide me with the answer because he is the one who designed and created me and has been watching over me. Because I acknowledge he is the cause that I exist, because I acknowledge the notion of cause and effect, then all the experiences I had in life could not have possibly happened by chance. And the causes of these experiences could not have possibly been taken place on their own. Someone must have set all the other entities i.e. the sun and the “puppets” and etc., even if I have yet to acknowledge if they are ever real, to be in motion. There is no doubt in mind that the person who is possibly responsible for all these causes is my creator. It is only him now whom I am thinking of. It is only one of him. Thus I cannot be so sure if there are other entities such as him to do the tasks of setting or “programming” the other entities to behave according to what I see. I cannot be so sure if there is more than one creator. All I know is; I know there has got to be a creator who designed me.

And I ask again; what is the purpose of my existence? I will not expect him to appear before me as because I already doubt if my surrounding is real, then his appearance may not convince me at all. In a nutshell, I will still doubt if that is god himself who decided to approach and engage me directly.

And I want to know more about the cause and effect notion. All this while, I have been given knowledge as to what hurts or pleases me. Due to that, I am able to avoid what hurts me most and strive towards the objectives that benefit me. Say, I am hungry and I have been given with food. But understanding the nature of the food i.e. what it will cause and lead me to and what happens if I indulge too much in etc. will allow me to work in disciplining myself from too much consumption of it. In this way, the statement “ignorance is bliss” is no longer applicable no matter how tempting or delicious the food is. It is because I already understand what the food will do to me. I should never forget the notion between desires and reasons; to adopt the former would mean I am accepting being ignorant is bliss while adopting the latter would mean to avoid some inevitable dark destiny which lies ahead of me –more suffering, probably. Therefore due to the knowledge I am given, I could not be helped but thankful to my creator for having created me with such capability in order to avoid unnecessary pain to myself.

As I acknowledge that the ability to think is not the only gift by my creator, I should have also acknowledged that up to now I have been given with things to survive on, and needless to say the examples of these are food, water and air. These are essential for my survival, for without them no matter how much I believe that the world I live in is only an illusion I will still suffer to death. Once again if I could feel pain, then there is no doubt that death is real. But even if I still refuse to believe as such, do I really have to wait for it so as to see what lies ahead when that is probably a point of no return i.e. to live again?

And again and again the question lingers; what is the purpose of my existence? At this point, I should now decide to ponder again upon my surroundings. Maybe the “puppets” are not what I thought; they are probably as real as I am. Maybe I should acknowledge too that god has not created me without a purpose moreover when he has given me knowledge and the needs to sustain myself in this world. Probably he wants to guide me so as to find the purpose of my life which I have been searching all the while. But by now, I should acknowledge that god is not only all the attributes which I have explained above but he happens to be all-merciful and all-loving; my mistakes and errs are probably of him to guide me so as to reach to this far. Because I am now certain my creator is god, I shall now resume to my usage of addressing the Supreme Being i.e. “God” instead of “god” and “He” instead of “he”.

Because I acknowledge up to this far is the guidance by God, then I acknowledge too that my surroundings are as real as I am. “Returning” to the world that I once had doubts on, I realise that it is fraught with all sorts of contradictions in beliefs and faiths that I am clueless. Up to this point, I am beginning to acknowledge there is a purpose that God wants me to fulfil before my death. Thus despite all the contradictions, I believe God has a message for me in order of me to complete my journey in life. The obvious solution now is to study each of these ideologies and beliefs.

I remember mentioning in one of my previous entries that God cannot be the deceiver even if He wishes to guide me through His “puppets”. Thus, I have decided to acknowledge all around me is real. Yet because of the contradictions in beliefs, I am probably warned never to rely on my senses too much as what I sense may not be true i.e. having some forms of deceptions in it. Yet, I am probably advised not to entirely disregard my senses either as I may need them to determine the validity of the truth in certain things.

All praises be upon God!

CHAPTER 17: P_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ Drives Me Mad; Cause & Effect

Welcome


Originally, this entry was not as what you would be reading now. I thought it was alright of me to share what my vicious habits were. However, I decided that I did not want any confession of sexual activity. As much as I would want to share so as to get help from you readers, at the same time I do not want anyone to bear thoughts of me regarding how bad I am. God knows better, and He does.

And I think it is even wise of me not to confess because some of you who have already bear an animosity or sense of dislike towards me or my thought-processes (especially being philosophical, though I will not say that is the right word). Some of you might not already forgive me the misdeeds that I had done. Personally, I do not want anyone to pile up their dislike towards me by using what they know more about me so as to continue in their acts of ostracism on me.

Coming back to where we last stopped, I was as though confident to declare that there I have a creator and it’s God. In addition, I claimed that because, like Descartes, God is good in nature and thus, He will not deceive me. And therefore, the “puppets” around me are as real as I am. In a nutshell, they exist as I do with their individual minds, if you get my meaning.

I was caught by surprise that actually Descartes and I shared the same view of certain things. It is not that I am influenced by his thoughts, though you know that I was bugged so much when he raised an issue what if I am living in an illusion e.g. there is a demon deceiving me in my senses to experience empirically. The continuation of my thought-process below was written two days ago (today is 15th October) and I only stopped about Descartes coming to point which he claimed to feel pain to his body only yesterday. Of course, experiencing myself beforehand gives me an advantage to understand better of his message. Despite coming to views parallel to his however, I came through a different experience and thus may slightly differ in terms of opinions.

Now, I cannot deny that I have desires and cravings towards certain things in this world. And if the objects of my cravings are as illusionary as the “puppets”, then all the satisfactions and pleasures I attained all these years in my life are in vain. In a nutshell, I have been deceived into believing these things do give me happiness. If now I doubt whether such experiences in satisfying my desires are real, if I am ever tempted again, and if I chose to satisfy my desires for the sake of being in a state of pleasurable, then I guess the appropriate statement for my deeds are as the probably-famous statement in this world I live, “Ignorance is bliss”.

At this point, I realise I do have a creator but have yet to understand the purpose of my life. Needless to say, I have yet to understand who my creator is and what qualities he has. At the same time, I have desires. Because ignorance is bliss, should I return to where I first lived and resume to my normal life?

We went through about God in my previous entries. As abovementioned, I am still pondering about who exactly my creator is. I acknowledge that if I think, therefore I exist. And since I exist, I acknowledge there is a mysterious creator –and I don’t know him at all. If all this while I’ve come to known that the world is an illusion for me i.e. all around me does not exist including the people whom I consider them as “puppets”, it seems irony that I could easily be lured into a trap of my own desires. It’s like playing with a doll and talking to it, thinking it has a life but it’s all made of plastic. And then I acknowledge there’s a pleasure in falling into the trap.

But one thing for sure, despite the pleasures and satisfaction I earned through the fulfilment of my cravings, I felt physically and mentally pain. While I feel there is a sense of logic that I should now find means to avoid submitting to my temptations, the happiness however motivates me into rushing towards my desires. It is as though the happiness weighs more importance than the pain.

At this point, I come to a notion which I feel a need to acknowledge it; cause and effect. I did that and now I paid the price i.e. physically and mentally agonised. Yet at the same time, in the process of it I couldn’t deny how pleasurable it can be. So, what is the price should I choose to continue such habits? Somehow even if I know all around me is merely an illusion, I still find pleasure in doing it.

I came across sites that explain the side effects of what such behaviours and habits would lead to. Somehow, I do not have to continue doing it and then later coming to the stage where I am in a state of what these information had told me. It is because I already felt its pain even if I find it – I beg your pardon – enjoyable. Moreover, the information I came across mentioned how it was like to carry out such acts was nearly entirely parallel to my experiences. Could this information be telling the truth? Or is my creator who controls me toying with me?

At this point, I have to realise of two notions; desires and reasons.

In addition, I have two options now; either I can choose to be a slave to my desires and go back to where I came from so as to enjoy until I do suffer from the side effects or choose to reflect and contemplate how it will eventually destroy me (and thus, learn to avoid it).

Because I acknowledge the pain I incurred, I feel it is best if I were to strive to quit so as avoiding a probably inevitable destiny. But because my temptation is powerful, I am inclined in submitting to my desires, disregarding the danger of the outcome of me, empirically and mentally. And now, I am in a dilemma. Because I acknowledge the effects that take place in me yet hunger for the pleasures, so I wonder what I should do.

Even if I do not fear pain, is it still right of me to pursue my desire? I wish I could –and I want to. But is it the right thing to do?

Now, I suppose the argument is becoming incoherent. That particular desire is not the only thing which I am facing in my life. Rather, I am somehow being put into this world and go through obstacles as what some “puppets” do i.e. finding a job, studying in schools, living to an old age and die. If I continue this desire, even if I do not fear pain, there will be other consequences. Failing to restrain myself may result me in losing concentrations in my daily tasks. Surprisingly, there will be a consequence if I do not fulfil them. If I am student and need to study so as to obtain good results in school and graduate to find a job, it is only logical that I should refrain from succumbing to my desire so that I can give a full attention to my studies. Succumbing to my habits will waste precious time which can be used for other important tasks. Imagine if I stick to those habits and lose focus in my studies. There are chances that I may not do well in my grades and thus, I may even have to repeat a semester or year in school. There goes a bit of my future! I could have disciplined myself in holding back my horse but I choose not to. Can I thus acknowledge that as cause-and-effect?

As a person, there were some points in my life whereby I questioned what the meanings of doing certain things –and that happened whenever I did not have any motivation in them because I did not find the reason why I should be doing so. Assuming I have restrained my horse completely with a new direction in life and now doing other things, I would always be wondering what the purpose of whatever I am doing is. After all at this point, I have yet to acknowledge that the “puppets” around me do exist as I do. I am tired about life because I do not have any meaning in all the things that I do moreover knowing that you could be a “puppet” to hinder me from searching for the truth.

There I go again! What is truth? After acknowledging there is a creator, after being tired of my berserk horse as I will lose direction in life, after walking a new path from my useless steed (I am referring to my horse), I still find life absolutely meaningless because I do not know exactly what I want. I could be as rich as Donald Trump or Bill Gates. I can work towards the path of wealth. Yet coming to this far even if those around me are merely “puppets” which also happened to be used by me in achieving my goals, I still have not found the purpose of my life yet.

I do not know exactly what I want –if I could work so hard to accumulate wealth, then I must anticipate too that the world I live in has faced economic downfall before. The wealth I attained may no longer be valuable to me. It is because even currencies may be as worthless as dried leaves. I could get all the fame I want –but I must realise that I can lose them too.

Anticipating outcomes of certain paths in life, I now concede defeat that I do not have any real and absolute meaning in life. All I am aware is; I think, therefore I am. I am because of a creator. If this world that I live in is full of falsehood (i.e. everything I hear, see, smell, taste and touch may not necessarily be true as what my five senses tell me are merely electric signals interpreted by my brain or I myself am a puppet for the entertainment of a demon), then I should realise that all the things I have done in my life and in this world has been futile and pointless all along. More important since I brought up the issue about economic downfall, how can I be so sure of what has been provided for me, which is probably I know as history? What is the meaning of all these? What is the meaning of my life? What is the purpose of my existence? How can I be convinced that everyone exists?

Because I do not know anything, because I’ve been through the outcomes of certain actions either committed by me or the “puppets”, I want to know; what is the purpose of my existence?

With to that, only my creator can provide me with an answer. It is because he is the one who creates me. He designed me and gave me the ability to think –and he still does!

But the problem is; I do not know who he truly is!


[To be continued…]

CHAPTER 16: P_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ Drives Me Mad; Cogito ergo sum

Evening, readers


It is still 2nd October 2010 as I am typing this. Apparently, I should continue pouring my thoughts because I do not wish to grow insane over my doubts. Life is set on wheels to be turned.

Here is the brief summary of the previous entry; even if the world and the people around me are not real, still I exist because of my thoughts; I think, therefore I am. Because I have the ability to think, I exist. Because I exist, that explains there must be a Creator who designed me.

But it isn’t fair of us to say that those who are mentally handicapped do not exist simply because they do not have the ability to think. They do exist.

Thinking provides us with reasoning, not to mention to plan for an execution of actions in our daily life. And that is probably a gift entrusted to us so that we can reason with ourselves; therefore hopefully with reason, we can understand the world better. Is it fair then to say that knowledge comes with understanding and comprehension of the nature of things? Because we are blessed with the capability to think and reason, therefore we are responsible for what the world is moreover our treatment towards the ones who are not given the ability to do so.

But before that even becomes a practice, how do we know for sure that these people do exist? How can I even be so sure that the people around me do exist and they are talking to me, not puppets sent as means of deception and hindrance to prevent me from seeking what God wants me to believe?

At this point, I don’t think I have much a choice but to believe God is good in nature. Even if I were to think that there is a demon who has control over my life, deceiving me all along, the fact or having faith that God is good grants me a notion that there are aspects of truth in which will allow me to reach Him and obey His Commandments so as to fulfil the existence of my life. Certainly, if I can accept the fact that there is a Creator, is it undeniable that the Creator who designed me knows about the nature of me? Interestingly, if I have a thought that all my life I have been deceived by a demon all along, would that not logically prove there are good and evil?

God still wants me to reach Him. I am still given the ability to think, therefore I exist. If a demon is more powerful than my Creator, then probably the ability to think would have been destroyed by the former. I don’t really suppose the demon would ever want me to “wake up” –he would probably be having fun to watch me facing hardships. It seems to me that life would then be something like placing a pet, say a hamster, into a box and watch it wanders aimlessly.

Imagine we are the ones who are responsible for placing the hamster into such “cage” and then we place hamster-dummies –non-living dolls in shapes of that same animal – and watch how the living hamster communicates with them. What if life was that way for us, to communicate with others when we do not even know that they may not exist but been programmed to entertain us and react according to our actions? Are we been fooled around and therefore we are the only ones in the world, like the hamster being the only living being in the box?

But since I am a thinking object, God does exist because I must be created in order for me to be given the ability to think. I would acknowledge there is an all Powerful and Supreme Being and thus even the demon is created by Him. Because He is All-Powerful, there is no way the demon could have defeated Him. God can never be defeated by His own creations. One way to rationally prove it is that; I do still think and again therefore I exist. So, I was wondering; if I happened to be the only one who exists in this world whereas everyone does not, is it alright of me to live by my own laws? Truly, there are plenty of girls out there who are tempting –it pretty seems to me that should I be the only one who exist, I should rush for them and rub my palms and fingers against their fleshes because of the nature which I feel it exists and resides within me. Or I could even rob the bank without having a fear of getting caught –because I know despite the police officers could touch and handcuff me, I know they do not exist but puppets programmed to “entertain” my actions.

But honestly, it is very frustrating to live in such a life whereby you think you are not bound by rules enforced by the “puppets” around you simply because you can break them owing the fact they do not exist. Using the example of robbing the bank, you know you’ll get caught and be thrown into prison. Other examples include having yourself bruised and punched all over your body by group of bullies or even as simply as facing heartbreak after being hurt by someone whom you love (especially if she walks out of your life yet you still yearn for her).

More importantly of you getting hurt and tormented, be it physically or mentally. At this point, I may choose to continue neglect those around me and treat them in whatever ways I want. I can be rude towards my parents; I can even choose not to be caring or compassionate towards others just because they do not exist. In fact, there seems to be nothing that can stop me from losing my temper –I am then allowed to scold anyone. Not omitting the issue of food, I can choose to eat whatever I desire. Interestingly, you can even point out because I believe only my mind exist, I can choose not to eat. But is that a good idea –not to eat at all i.e. starving myself?

At some point of time, I should be aware that I am affected by the things I do. After all the hurt and pain, will it not seem obvious of me to turn to my Creator and question of my purpose of my existence after failing to endure the hardships I am going through? If it is true the objects around me are “puppets”, why then could I not tolerate or endure all the pain they give me? Constant submission to sexual desires will lead me to empirical pains such as what we know today as HIV or AIDS. Not considering the types of food I eat may result in loads of health issues. It is not like I will not feel the pain of having too much intake of certain food. We know it for sure the types of food that cause diabetes or high blood pressure –and we do feel the pain when facing these illnesses.

Thus, is life still a game in the eyes of the Creator? The demon is out of picture because I already acknowledge that no matter how much he deceives me, my Creator will still protect me from deceptions. Good point! For, I just thought of something.

It does not make any sense to me that toying with one’s life is considered part of God’s nature of good moreover when He has protecting me from the sneaky demon. Who can then tell me what is the purpose of my life should I choose to question, assuming I could no longer endure all sorts of pain in this world? I mean –some of us might now turn to Him and ask “God, why have You given me this and that etc.?

I would have gladly accepted that God wants me to worship Him –and thus, that is my purpose of existence. However, I want to be sure of things. Because God is good in nature, He will provide me with guidance. Because God will provide me with guidance, then I am supposed to be looking into different beliefs and faiths. God cannot possibly approach me because I will still be questioning if that is Him. Even if He approaches me in His true form, how am I supposed to believe that is God after all my doubts? For all we know, it could be the demon in disguise. Oh –I made a mistake! God is All Powerful, so not even the demon has the capability to disguise as Him. But probably he could approach and say, “I am God; worship me”. Do you not think we have such things today e.g. Satanism or even people resorting to what we call black magic? And yes, some of us do take them as gods.

Because I am supposed to be looking into different beliefs and faiths, is it still possible of me to be the only one who exists in this world? The “puppets” coming from all sorts of religious or philosophical backgrounds can approach me and proclaim this or that is the truth. So how do I differentiate between falsehood and truth? I mean –in a truth, there cannot be two theories that contradict each other such as the example of believing in monotheism and polytheism at the same time which I brought up in one of my previous entries. The most I can do is to rely on my rationality. Yet, I may be wrong! I may not be well-equipped with the necessary knowledge for me to do my research. Moreover, sometimes our common sense or rationality derives from our upbringings. So, what now?

It is at this stage that we can be reminded by games or stories that have the supporting characters that are full of help to the protagonists e.g. we may find supporting characters being an influence to the protagonist to do the right thing such as how Merlin was to King Arthur, Gandalf the Grey to Frodo or Dumbledore to Harry Potter (or it could be as funny as a supporting character giving a powerful or magical sword to the protagonist to slay the nearly invincible antagonist in some games). But if we are playing those games, we must bear in mind that it is us who are the players and therefore, it is us and us alone as players who benefit from these supporting characters –and undeniably because some of the supporting characters are non-playable, they too are “puppets” programmed to serve you.

But if I were to continue believing the people around me are “puppets”, then I’d probably not find any reason why I should continue finding. What is the point of searching when I know everyone doesn’t “exist”?

At this point, I am probably offered two choices; to believe or not to believe.

It is because we often hear people converting from one faith to another –it cannot be possible God made them “puppets” to be witnessed by me as those who are being programmed even if they are a form of help in aiding me to discover the truth. Besides, for God to do that would take away the description of Him being good in nature. Then the blame is unto God –He is the deceiver if the converted people are “puppets”.

But because He is good in nature, these people are not possibly what I used to think of them –they do exist as I do. Because I know God is not deceiving me, I can thus communicate with them and ask about their stories of conversions or as simple as experiences in life. At the end of the day, if they are “puppets” not created by God but the demon, then what am I left with to believe? It is never possible of me to live all on my own, believing they are those been programmed to deceive me. So long as God is by my side, the demon can never fool me.

And in this case, I decided to believe you all exist. And because you exist, then I must find and study as much as I can.

After all, coming to all this way is determined on whether you choose to believe or not. I understand how complicated this thought process of mine can go. Like I said, I just want to fair to myself if I were to either accept or refuse Descartes’ way of thinking.

And in this case, I do not wish to discredit the value of another human being. Therefore, I choose to do my best in putting myself in his shoes.



O Lord, I truly believe You exist
Make not me among a disbeliever
Make not me among those who doubt in Your Signs
Show me the light and the way
Of those whom You bestow the Grace of Yours upon
Not those who incurred Your Wrath
Not those who have led themselves astray

Ameen


P.S: At the same time, if I do not decide to believe in something, as mentioned life is set on wheels to be turned. For an instance, if I continue thinking the world is an illusion with me being the only living soul and thus leading me to do nothing such as not getting a job but do whatever I please, I will suffer the consequence. E.g. if I do not find a job, I cannot even satisfy my daily needs such as food and starving myself will lead me to lose my consciousness –if you know what I mean. Well, because death is real. And I know that my mind/soul will have to return to God.

CHAPTER 15: P_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ Drives Me Mad; A Genesis?

Hey, aliens!


Pardon me for such a greeting. If you wouldn’t mind, I’ll explain to you why I gave you such a greeting.

Right –it’s 2nd October 2010 as I am typing this. However, I will probably not publish this so soon because I want a period of contemplating, reflecting and pondering what I am about to share later. I just want a certainty and firmness that what I have been thinking and the conclusions I have made is real.

Meanwhile as I am typing this down, I am waiting for a friend who is now in a meeting. So, I’d better write things down before I forget.

It was a day before that I read sort of a guidebook for Descartes’ Meditations –yes, I am referring to Rene Descartes, the French philosopher of the famous quote “I think, therefore I am” (cogito ergo sum). I have been reading it but where I last stopped did put my mind to a new form of doubt –everything. Initially, I felt compelled to brush his thoughts aside merely because I’d named his thought process as ridiculous. He questioned about the origin of himself –and I have a suspicion that his thoughts became an inspiration for the production of films The Matrix trilogy (probably everybody knows that already; so I am just citing in hopes that readers would have something to refer). I will do my best to summarise what his doubts are. And I hope I am not biased.

So, certainly some of you here believe the world is real through empirical findings i.e. you rely on your experiences of the world or your life through your five senses (and emotions).

But what if someone approaches you and claims that that belief of yours still does not prove that reality is? What if someone tells you that all that you have experienced with your five senses are simply interpreted by the electric signals in your brain? For all you know, you could be dreaming. Imagine yourself to be dreaming while you’re sleeping. Until you wake up, you never know you are dreaming, aren’t you?

This is more or less what Descartes been through. He questioned; what if he was actually nothing? What if he could only be a mind and that the body did not exist? This notion is similar to the idea of brain in a vat (but we must bear in mind that Descartes is a dualist). However for his case, he thought he could possibly be deceived by a demon.

If I remember correctly, because he believes that God is good by nature, it is not possible for God to hide the truth from him. In a nutshell, God wouldn’t let him been deceived all the time. Therefore, there are some parts or aspects of reality that exist –probably for him to know the world and possibly about his existence.

Now, if I ever misquote Descartes, please do correct me. And because I may not be accurate in what I have said above, I suggest you to read Meditations by Descartes.

I won’t deny that if we doubt about everything, life is then pointless and meaningless. The people around us may not seem even to exist to us. Therefore, is it alright of me to suggest that we are free to hurt everyone and live in our own way simply because everyone does not seem real to us?

At this point, I hope you have raised a question; what is reality? Or at least, what is my definition of real?

What Descartes brought up somehow becomes an issue which I feel I should delve upon. Despite that I was inclined to brush off his thought process I just wanted to be fair to myself. You see –if I were to reject his ideas without being reasonable i.e. go back to my life and believe what I choose to believe, probably I am no different from being an ignorant. At the very least, I want an explanation to convince myself why I choose to reject or accept his thoughts.

I understand how crazy this sounds especially to some of you exposed to religious beliefs (and probably already have faith in them). But it is not my wish to reject an idea of someone and then discredit him, say, labelling him mad. So, I guess if we were to do otherwise, probably that shows of our lack of respect towards another human being?

I could not deny that I did have a thought that I might not exist but my thoughts –in short, mind. But I simply brushed that issue aside, convinced that because I believe there is God, therefore He would not make so difficult upon us to search for the truth in which He wants us to believe.

I think last night was when I decided to think of it again. I was asking myself; why did I not think of this? How come I did not think as much as this person? And because I was so obsessed with all that I believed in, I questioned why someone would ask himself such a question –why did Descartes trouble himself (and the world) in questioning with regards to whatever I have shared above.

For some reason, I still believe there is God –because I exist since I think. I cannot think if I am not alive, if I am nothingness. Yet, it is possible of me being nothingness with the ability to think, therefore there is a mind. Because I think, it is possible that someone must have created me –someone must have created my mind. In order for me to think, I must exist. In order for me to exist, I must be created. Thus, possibly my mind is created for me to think –and since I think, I exist.

I think, therefore I am.

Is this what Descartes exactly been through? Somehow, I happened to utter the same thing as him.

But after that, I came to question myself further. Is it possible for only me to exist? What if all those around me are puppets, instruments as means of deception or hindrance in preventing me from finding what God wants of me?

No –such powerful being as God cannot possibly created me without a purpose. How could I be merely an instrument of fun for Him i.e. to watch me facing the ups and downs of –in what we called – life?

Having said all that is above, I do not say that God creates me out of mind before putting it into a body for me have experiences in this world. Rather, I am merely on a thought process to convince myself what reality or truth is. At the end of the day, the definition of truth or real is undeniably being either subjective or vague. I am merely on a thought process to convince of myself and all that is around me. Yet, I do not say I am created out of mind although as a Muslim, I am ought to believe that we all come as souls and witness His existence before we are all tried into this world.

I do really want to be certain of things, at least before I confront a sadistic part of my life, which will dawn next month.


O Lord, should I have gone astray in my thoughts
I beg Your Forgiveness and Guidance
And make me among those who believe You

Ameen


P.S: I do not greet you all by calling you “aliens” with the intention to be rude –but I hope the explanation of my doubts above render you to have something to ponder about

CHAPTER 14: P_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ Drives Me Mad; My Stand

Welcome and enter


Sometimes having written all the entries, I felt my heart hardened. I seek refuge in God so that my heart would shed a tear even at the sight of moving clouds. Correct me if I am wrong but a hardened heart will learn nothing but ignorance. And its arrogance itself is a disease upon the heart. All praises unto God and glory be unto His Holy Name, Ameen (I’m tempted to put “Amen” instead).

So, readers, please supplicate so that I will become a better person, your brother in humanity.

Continuing to where we last stopped, I mentioned that I detached myself from religious ideas but yet still to practice it.

I believe I am different compared to who I was back then.

Back then, I held strongly upon religious ideas and merely overlooked others. Now, I am truly glad all I have to do is to be myself if I were truly sincere upon searching God and be part of Him

People with religious notions merely brush off philosophy as heresy. But I am truly glad I no longer have to come to that conclusion.

The above is just another entry in my Wall of my Facebook account. I do not know how to begin with. I always wanted to talk about why I am suddenly obsessed into philosophy. I always wanted to refute a friend of mine who said, based on what he heard; philosophy is deviant (in the religion). Should I begin with the last statement?

Let’s begin with, why did I choose to study philosophy? Well, I never knew I would be studying in depth about it until I took the elective module in my polytechnic as mentioned in one of my previous entries. But I already had the issues which were discussed in philosophy such as regarding the existence of oneself and what is the purpose of life. The module probably aided me more in aspect of critical thinking. Although theories were brought up, we did not explain in full details. I was only curious about them some time later.

I did not know how to start my journey back then. I only had a gist of it. Yet, everything in my world was still in a mess and I did not know where to start cleaning up. However as I studied philosophy, I began to appreciate some of the thinkers moreover I often thought of them as growing up since young and raised such questions which might not seem appreciated to those around them but probably to those of generations to come. Of course, that is not to say why I prefer them over religious scholars. The main issue here is; the questions they raised seem fundamental to everyone from all walks of life –it does not matter which religion or ideology you belong but they do play a part in considering how we should act or ought to live. At times you may be the ones who have these questions all by yourself. You sought an advice from a friend and got a reply which goes, “Don’t think too much about it.”

Well, the problem is; if we already have those questions in our mind, how could we not think too about them? Am I supposed to assume that my mind is playing tricks on me and I should live how I am supposed to live? The last words raise another question; how am I supposed to live? We may have different choices such as we should live according to our needs and desires or based on religious doctrines and so forth. So, who is exactly telling the truth?

For those of us who belong to certain religions and moreover you hold onto their teachings, some of you might probably have said, “We should believe what God tells us to do”.

Because I believe there’s God, I cannot be in disagreement to that. Logically, when someone has given you a help, isn’t it appropriate of you to thank him? And with God given us His blessings, isn’t it our part to be grateful by obeying what He tells us to do as a form of gratitude? Here you may want to raise a couple of questions such as, “Is God good (please define what good is)?” or “is it alright if I do not thank God and choose to live in any way I want?” and so forth. We can always come up with countless of questions but that is not the issue for now, though it is good that we ponder and contemplate about them so as to be certain with ourselves. If religions prohibited us from doing so, how then can we be sure of what we believe in?

Thus, I do not understand why anyone would mention that philosophy I deviant. And I hope you all are already asking, “What is philosophy?”

Based on my experience, anything could be part of philosophy. And somehow, the study of it is always traced back to the early Greeks who questioned nearly everything –this is what I found while reading a book called Introducing Philosophy book (yes, it is part of the Introducing series, which has Introducing Psychology, Introducing Aesthetics, Introducing Romanticism and so on). And during the time of Socrates, probably he was the philosopher who made ethics as an important study in philosophy. I did not have the book with me as I borrowed it from a library and thus, I would appreciate if any of you who are students of philosophy to correct what I said especially regarding Socrates. Yet again, philosophy is still a general study of issues such as truth, science, languages, metaphysics, epistemology and many others. Simply said, it is concerning everything under the sun –or probably anything in the universe. I cannot give an absolute definition what philosophy is but I hope I have done my part in explaining to you.

And some of you who are students of philosophy are already aware that some the theories suggested by philosophers throughout time can be contradicting when compared to each other. An example would be the case of Plato and Descartes who emphasised in reason over desires, e.g. I am thirsty and I come across a cup of drink which has been added with poison –if I value my life, it is logical that I do not drink it even though I am thirsty. However, other thinkers such as Hume mentioned reason is only a slave to desires, e.g. it is because sexual desire is part of us, and therefore it is logical that we fulfil our desires.

Thus, if one is saying that philosophy is deviant, those who are exposed to it already knows that we cannot believe entirely in it due to contradicting theories if anyone assumes that philosophy is like another ‘form of religion’. We could only rely on certain theories but not everything. Don’t you think we ought not to have contradictions in our lives so as to be certain in what we believe in? Digressing a little bit, I do not know what his intention was when he brought up that statement as shortly during the discussion, an old friend of mine joined us and because we hadn’t met quite a while, the subject of our conversation was changed.

Well, of course after sharing with another friend (not the same old friend mentioned earlier) regarding what the first friend said i.e. philosophy is deviant (or heresy, maybe), the statement “philosophy is deviant” is ambiguous. In what way is it deviant? Probably one aspect which I have mentioned above is contradictions. But could there be any other possible reasons? Possibly yes but I do not have the answer.

And knowing that I am bound to be prejudice and biased if I were to solely rely on religious beliefs, this is one reason why I choose to read more on philosophy (and that happens to be some time after my graduation). And religious ideologies are part of philosophy as well. As a matter of fact, every single action or thought is part of philosophy. We cannot run away from it because that is how philosophy in general has been said to have been described. The best possible description I could share, using Dictionary.com as my reference is; philosophy is the rational investigation of the truths and principles of being, knowledge, or conduct.

I detach myself from religion only for the sole purpose of searching for the truth, which is also another philosophical issue –how do we know what truth is? It is because I acknowledge there are other forms of beliefs in the world and I feel it is best if I were to study them.

In fact, I always question myself; assuming religion B is the truth i.e. as declared by God, then how does one who is not exposed to that religion can come to know about it if he is in religion A, or even born with no knowledge of any particular religion at all? Well, we may argue that God will give guidance to the poor soul. But the question is; how would he know? It is this sort of journey that he will to go through. In fact, it is a journey that we are all going through by coming to certain things on our own and not merely relying on all the information instilled within us since young. I can always rely on the statements of clerics and assume that they have more knowledge than I do –I won’t deny that. But is it not fair of me to walk through the path in doing my homework so as to come to my own conclusion if what these clerics claimed is true or otherwise?

And if people among my religion were to say; “Your faith isn’t strong enough –you shouldn’t study (about certain things, say, other religions)”, well such statements can be quite ambiguous at times. What does the term strong mean? In my understanding, it is not literally or physically strong in this context. Probably what the statement means; “You are not ready yet”.

But how ready are we? To say that we are ready because of the knowledge we accumulated over the years would sound inappropriate –it is saying that you have sufficient knowledge to study about another belief. Well, that may sound true as we need what we know based on our experiences to investigate another belief. But if one is curious is searching for the truth, how will he know if he is ready? Yet, at the same time such statements could have a very deep and profound meaning. I may discuss about it in the future or not at all.

Personally, it is not about how much one knows but rather how he is going to deal with the information he is about to receive upon stumbling into another belief different from his. Isn’t that then a form of test to our faiths and beliefs? And I urge all of you so as not to believe explicitly in the information given you no matter how much you trust the ones who deliver it. It is a reminder for you and me so that we can all do our homework first before jumping to a conclusion because of what others have said so.

P.S: I’m only doing my best to be whom I am or who I ought to be. Please supplicate so that I will be guided to straight and right path. O God, You hear my prayer. Grant me Your Guidance and Protection. I seek refuge in You from all the evil and malice which dwell within me and my surroundings. And I seek refuge in You from the accursed devil, Ameen.