CHAPTER 10: My Expression; In a Mess

Greetings and peace to all of you passing by here


Thank God it’s Friday –one of the days which I permit myself intakes of caffeine (once I drink a cup of either coffee or tea, I’m likely to continue have more cups for that day). By the way, I read some articles whereby caffeine reduces your immune system (although it does provide other health benefits) across the internet. So, it’s something to be investigated and researched upon.

Coffee + milo = mocha

This was what I got after the experiment a couple of minutes ago as I am typing this. I guess you’re bound to know how weird I am, turning complexity into simplicity.

Let’s get the purpose of today’s entry straight. Right, I’ve been wanting to share loads and loads of things and failure to do so probably result me in imagining conversations between me and people and sometimes either incur anger or a light chuckle upon myself, depending the person whom I imagine to have a dialogue with. These imaginations are terribly irritating that I can hardly concentrate in my prayers, often forgetting God in most parts of the day and subconsciously neglecting my responsibility upon those around me. Right, you’ll never people when they are alone in their room –in fact, you don’t even know who they are even if they’re your friends.

But today’s entry is not about imagination, so pardon me for the digression. Rather, it’s about the mess we live in today.

It was only a week ago that I dropped by the nearest Times bookstore from my home, hoping to purchase a copy of a book which I found in a library (but it costs $50). Strangely, I turned next to me shortly after arriving at the shelf where the book was placed.

And there was another shelf with some of the books about… the Mayan 2012 Prophecy.

I thought I’d brushed the notion that the world would be at end in the year 2012 or sort of that. But it was a return of an old wound within as I flipped those books. There were so many theories in what contributed to the “prophesised” change in the abovementioned year. I’d probably brushed them aside if they had got to do with religious ideologies (and somehow, I came across somewhere that today Mayans do not know anything about the 2012 thingy predicted by their ancestors –yet what I said may be debatable; so please shed me some light, readers).

But as some of these theories involved scientific explanations, I couldn’t help but admitting myself how little the knowledge I had –and have. Praise to God that I am writing all these down so as to remind me that I –I mean, we – don’t have much time in this world as death does not come knocking on the door; it may come whenever God wants it to appear before you and me.

And I hope it’d remind you (and myself) too to use every second of your life wisely –I’m avoiding the word “spend” as it sounds like a parallel word of “waste” (and I’m referring to the verbs, not nouns or adjectives).

If it was the past, I’d have been psychologically disturbed by such theories of people. But today, I’d probably decided to do my utmost best in life. Yet, even those words are subjective as youths probably use them as a reason to accumulate as much happiness as possible. But I wouldn’t put it that way because I always believe there’s a purpose of existence; whoever and wherever you are, you do have a purpose of life. Think logically, do you want your life to be laid to waste? Am I really supposed to think we live as though we’re living eternally whenever we are in the moments of enjoyment without a thought of death? I won’t deny that sometimes we forget how limited our age because sometimes I do and it’s just about a matter of being conscious of who we are (I don’t want to say how difficult to be conscious of ourselves because that may just discourage me, which I don’t wish to instil that upon any of you).

And I am not addressing to anyone specifically. The message is for everyone who passes by here including me.

Talk is cheap; I can see that especially if we’re down with illness or have our wealth taken away. That is when the true obstacle of life comes in; it is then the time to watch if our beliefs are practical than mere talks. This is what philosophy is truly about –not mere debates or criticisms to prove one’s intellectuality.

As for now, I will do my best to live. Because I realise I do have a purpose in life, I need to fulfil it before I leave this world. My cousin Fadhil made a good point the last time we met for workout –it’s sad to die without achieving our goals. I truly want to lead a meaningful life in which I define it as having a good relationship with people especially those around me, not forgetting my personal relationship with my Lord. Because I believe there is God, it is then undeniable that there are ethics to be followed. There is then morality and humanity.

It is because if we – humans coming from different backgrounds, cultures and norms and so on – were to decide our own set of rules and laws, probably all of us could imagine what if everyone has different perception from each other moreover if we all have the power to exercise those rules. Imagine one society perceives cannibalism as immoral whereas and another perceives it as way of life. God knows what will happen if these societies were at each other’s throat.

Because there is God, there could only be the same message for everyone. And probably we cannot deny that what we think is good (if we are slaves to our desires) for us may not necessarily be beneficial to us –even so, the term good is subjective. Yet, we too cannot deny what we think is bad (if we have an instinct in disagreeing with God’s commandments) may not necessarily be less beneficial to us. In fact, because it comes from God everything has a reason for its own actions and thus, hopefully be something helpful to ourselves so long as we obey Him.

Somehow, I feel it is easier said than done; an action speaks louder than words. That is why I said; talk is cheap. Moreover, I believe some of you are already wondering what exactly we are supposed to believe in since there are too many religions, philosophical theories and beliefs out there. Well, I am not in the position to tell you what’s right and ought to be –it’s because I am finding it myself. The notion of death and what lies beyond it bugs me a lot.

But what I can share with you is; because there are loads of faiths and beliefs, there’s no doubt some of these contradict with each other. Certainly, how can you believe in one belief that encourages you to do some acts and another which discourages those same acts? It is like you believe in monotheism and polytheism; you said there is only one god and yet at the same time, you believe there are many gods; so if you said there is one supreme god with many lesser gods under him… that sounds like polytheism to me. Yet, if you believe in monotheism at the same time, what are you exactly talking or having faith about, owing the fact god tells you to worship only him and not enjoin partners with him? Monotheistic religions exist –you need to know that. They are right before our very eyes –Judaism, Christianity and Islam (and probably some other faiths such as Baha’i faith and others that I do not know of). Those of you who are exposed to such religions will understand how wrathful God, as described in their holy scriptures, would be should we call some other things as gods.

You may correct me if I’m wrong. I hope I do shed some light with the given example. My point is not about what you should believe in especially the contrast between monotheism and polytheism. Rather, I am hoping that we do not own any contradiction in our lives or otherwise we may end up believing in anything. And I don’t think we should cease searching for what we ought to believe. I am brought up with Islam. But as a human, I should take a step back and watch what I believe in so as to validate whether what I have believed all along is truth. Once again, the definition of truth is subjective, depending exactly what aspect we’re talking about here. I don’t want to go into detail about that because I guess this entry is nearly lengthy as the ones before.

See how messed-up the world is? At the end of the day, I guess we are down with two choices; first, to neglect all sorts of doubts as though they never exist and believe whatever we want to believe; second, to reflect and ponder over our beliefs and doubts that we have and strive to find an answer.

Well, if I am as assured with what I believe as how Morpheus is in the film The Matrix, I’d probably be glad to say; “This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill – the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill – you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes.”

Unfortunately, I am still learning and moreover, the beast residing within me is yet to be fully constrained and chained. Until then, I am not the right person to give advice but suggestions. Yet again, talk is cheap –doing the talk is expensive.

CHAPTER 9: My E_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _; The Quandary

Hey, Peace to you all


(I don’t think this entry has got to do anything with the main topic of E _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ –so sorry for the digression if it doesn’t match with the title of the main topic)

First and foremost, I must express how grateful I am to receive a comment from a friend in my previous entry. At the very least, I will begin to realise that someone acknowledges the purpose of my blog. In addition, I would also like to express my gratitude to firstly, my parents, my brother and friends for the wishes of happy birthday. I’d enjoy my own humour with “21st Birthday in the 21st Century”.

In any case, I’ll proceed with today’s entry as I’m left with 56 minutes of the first day of being 21 of age as I’m typing this. Besides, I need a rest due to another trip to the gym with my cousin Fadhil tomorrow. Moreover, I’m down with a mild headache. I hope it isn’t a sign of another attack of HFMD (please, God! I don’t wish for those torturous days again).

So, I think I’ll concede to the world that I’d once commented on something on a particular YouTube video. Alright –it’s about one of the episodes in The Deen Show where how a less-practicing Muslim became convinced with the religion of Islam. And by the way, I’m not here to promote any religion. This blog is like a diary; a sharing of my own experience to the world as how Descartes asked for readers to lay aside biasness and prejudices and put themselves in his shoes to understand his conviction of reality (and probably truth) in his book Meditations. It is because in the very first place, I mentioned should any of you feel offended, you may stop reading and leave my blog –yes, you are more than welcome to correct me on anything (and I need to know if I do need a tag-board for readers without Google account to drop their comments).

Returning to the issue, I posted a comment which goes, “Masya’Allah… The brother’s struggle is as similar as how I am facing now…”

That was three months ago. The title of the episode is Omar Challenges Islam. I may add the video for any of you to watch at the end of this post. If you cannot wait, then here’s the link; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J6e0yLHrXTY.

So, a brother sent me a personal email to my YouTube account, offering me help i.e. to fix my dilemma and quandaries. Of course upon learning he was a former Christian who is now a Muslim, I gladly shared the doubts I had (and I do still have these doubts today). As a matter of fact, I am inclined to hear the stories of the conversions of others from one religion to another, not necessarily to Islam alone –and once in a while, I would like to understand why some Muslims leave the religion for another faith, say, Christianity or others. I am keen to understand how they come to a conclusion of certain things being the truth from God.

But I won’t be happy if you leave for the sake of your friends or due to what you hear from the media instead of doing your homework and thorough research. Once in a while, I hope I don’t have to explain why, hoping you readers would think for yourself. What do you have to do if you’re truly seeking the truth? Search for it, isn’t it?

Coming back to the brother whom I befriended with through YouTube, we did exchange emails, sharing about how we lived in the different parts of the world –if I remember correctly, he was from UK. It is amazing to once in a while communicate with someone from another part of the world –I even wish once I’m studying overseas, doing my best to adapt to a different environment. Well, in the end, I shared a probably lengthy email with the brother. Here is goes –by the way, should I make any changes to the original email, it is only in the aspect of grammar;


Waalaikumusalam wr wb

Thank you, brother. I'm truly grateful for your concern. At the same time, I'm terribly sorry for such a late reply. Well, I'm a Singaporean, probably from the smallest country in the globe with only a dot on the map. It's a multi-racial harmony nation and based on my experience of living there, we're quite sensitive with regards of religious issues to a point one is not allowed to criticise another person's faith due to respect (this can be seen as both good and bad way). There was a case whereby a pastor criticised about the practices of Taoism and this issue became hoo-ha and even publicised due to the lack of respect given by the speaker. Of course, the pastor did apologise but judging from the incident, I hope I'm shedding some lights how religious issues can be very sensitive here.

In any case, I'm sorry to have strayed away from our discussion. If you wouldn't mind, I'll explain to you from the start i.e. how my doubts came about. As you mentioned, some people lost faith in God mainly out of emotional reasons. At times, I faced that too and I'm still facing that. However, that wouldn't have become a big issue if there's nothing in between the period of me being a believing Muslim to a sceptical one. In fact, I'm not pretty sure if I'm still a Muslim –I merely say I'm a Muslim because I do still have some fear in God seeded in me since young along with my upbringing, Really, I do still perform my prayers and fast.

From another Muslim's perspective, that would be a good thing i.e. not straying from the religion. But on the contrary, I felt I was like one of the prisoners of Plato's Cave, which I hope you've heard of it before. I had so much fear about studying about other people's religion from their point of view out of so much fear that I could only afford to learn about it in the Islamic perspective.

It all started when a particular religion –and sadly, a monotheistic one – propagated about miracles etc. That was more than enough to shake my beliefs. People claiming to see this and that and I started searching for an argument which refuted most of these claims but could hardly find any, though I did including making my own thoughts simply because some of these propaganda were not convincing enough. I was frustrated that I started losing patience at certain point of time.

Life was all beautiful prior to that turning point of my life. But it was only because I relied on only what I was taught and attended. I never considered learning other faiths from their perspectives. So, I was only viewing them through the windows of my "box". As I said before, life was beautiful back then, able to pursue for my dreams and ambitions because I had certainty.

But I could hardly be ambitious these days. Quoting from the lecturer Nouman Ali Khan during one of the episodes of The Deen Show, before we could talk about wealth or what kind of house or car we want, we've to solve the issue of survival. Truth is the safest platform to stand on; I believe with truth along with true and full conviction, I need not fear even the most tyrannical person on the surface of the earth because I know that God is with me.

Of course, having a "beautiful" life back then was not exactly a perfect one for me either. I was ignorant especially when in the times of argument. I'm not exactly sure if you've confronted some of these Muslims who debated out of egotism, using their knowledge as a weapon to bring others down rather than being humble to ourselves. I was that kind of person. Moreover I'd probably become worse due to learning only from the perspective of my own faith.

I've come across various videos, debates and lectures by certain scholars such as one of the most respected scholars Sheikh Ahmad Deedat, Dr Zakir Naik and many more including reading articles and books written by certain Muslim(s) who were once people of other religions, particularly Dr Jerald F. Dirks. It's not out my intention to criticise them or any of these scholars. Rather, I truly appreciate their efforts.

However, I cannot believe their words as an absolute truth. No, I do not find criticism in anyone and I do not wish to find fault as that would only lead to frustration. I mean –scholars are humans too and whatever background they're from, they may have made unintentional mistakes or even worst, own biasness. Once again, I hope you understand that I'm not criticising any of the abovementioned scholars as anyone could possibly make these mistakes regardless of their backgrounds, be it Muslims, Christians or any other faiths.

"Seeing is as though believing" is probably one of a well-known quote and I believe it –but to a certain extent. Arguments could at times be objective i.e. a lecturer might have prejudice and attempted to obscure the truth by steering us into believing his or her perceptions and ideologies. Due to that, I personally would rather take the path in studying different theories on my own while relying on the arguments brought up by scholars –any scholars from all over the world and all faiths – as opinions are meant to be revisited and studied with an unbiased mind. Again, I'm not criticising anyone or his work pertaining to this matter. But at the same time, I must admit that I could no longer continue the habit of swallowing others' words and then making assumptions that I'm on the right path. What if what we're given is exactly what we want to hear? Why Islam? Why not Christianity... or other religions? Why do I feel so hurtful about how other faiths describing theirs as the truth, the light and the way of life? My agony isn't based on any misconceptions that others might have brought up about the religion I am born into. In fact, I believe all religions teach us good conducts.

So, what kinds of discomforts were I having back then when I first watched preachers of other faiths speaking confidently out of conviction? Were they aware of the information brought up by scholars of other faiths about theirs? How did they react to it? Obviously there were refutations about this and that, here and there... But how convincing could these arguments be?

Life was a total messed-up for me and even now. But thank God it isn't as worst as those days. Maybe we could argue with others with the available resources and information. Unfortunately, I personally think if people were to resort to taking others' opinions or arguments and use them as tools, then it'd be good if I were to raise this question; what exactly are we arguing about? Why are we protecting our beliefs through the knowledge of others as weapons? How sure are we as we argue? How sure are we?

More importantly, how can we rely on them when we've never studied as much as these scholars? There are other factors to be considered such as, have we known truth? Have we read exactly what's written on the side of the other faiths i.e. reading the Bible or Torah? We keep relying on Sheikh Ahmad Deedat's arguments and keep reusing them over again and again but how far can we go since most of us have never even touch the Bible? Is it safe then for me to say we're only viewing the beliefs of others "inside" the box we're in without revisiting and examining ours to confirm if these are the truth i.e. what and how we ought to be etc.?

Having saying that, I must admit how much I admire people of other faiths who converted to another religion after doing their homework out of sincerity –and as I don't want to be biased, I've to find out too why people switch beliefs and what exactly is the journey they been through to come to a conclusion that this or that is the truth. Whether a Christian comes to Islam or vice versa, I feel it's worth learning from their stories in what religious journey they've been through.

It's because at the end of the day, I want to be sincere to myself. Undeniably, I'm a human and as one, it's not surprising of me to question about the purpose of my existence. I'm deeply hurt with the emptiness and anxiety residing in me. Maybe back then I couldn't find a reason behind these discomforts but maybe now I have. It's a sensation whereby I've seen this but I've not seen that and I'm forced to live by what I know and ignore what I don't. Strangely enough, I brushed those feelings aside as though they aren't worth pondering about. But isn't that a sign of ignorant as well?

I hope I've explained to you regarding my problem. I'm truly sorry if it's too long but I really don't have anyone to share. Really, if I were to talk about this to most of my Muslim friends, because we live in the same country (and hence, having a gist how similar are their lives and mine), I think they're not able to understand. Even if they could point out whereby some scientists have proven there are miracles in the Quran which are proven scientifically, am I supposed to believe them explicitly? Or should I study more? After all, this is not the only religion that's preaching the truth. It goes back to what I've mentioned above –about us using the same arguments but not revisiting them on our own.

Every faith on the surface of the earth would want to propagate their beliefs. I can't possibly talk to non-Muslims either because it's uncomfortable when you're searching for the truth yet at the same time someone's not only explaining to you about his faith (e.g. the foundation of his beliefs and various practices) but as well as hoping you'd be converted to the religion he's preaching.

I hope I'm sincere in this journey and not have strayed too far. I fear about the loss of my humanity and somehow, I feel that whatever Plato said about reason, passion and desires are all real. Even if they cannot be empirically proven, I believe we feel these entities in ourselves. Yet at the same time, we know too the consequences should we fail to attain self-control.


Yours Sincerely
'Izuddin


I think I’m done for now. Pardon me for such a lengthy entry. It seems every entry starts to get longer and longer –I’ll do my best to shorten the next ones. And yes, it is five minutes before the first day of me being 21 is over –but I don’t know what time will it be after I put this up.

Once again, I’m done for now.

And oh -before I forgot;

CHAPTER 8: My E_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _; A Confession & I'm Sorry :(

Hey, all


I thought it might something to try –a new way of greeting. But obviously, I prefer greeting you all with ‘Peace’. Well, I thought of trying that out because the previous greetings have always been a template. I prefer typing the greeting out myself in hopes that I’d be sincere and mean what the word supposed to mean.

I think I’m spared with 45 minutes before I need to go to bed especially I plan of doing some workout with my cousin Fadhil tomorrow morning. I’d in mind about expressing my doubts a couple of days back after my visit to a bookstore. But I believe I’ve missed out some things in sharing about my past.

And I was reminded when a friend who told me some of his friends were not happy with something which went “somewhere along that line” during Saturday’s outing in celebrating the Eid-Fitri festival with some friends.

It all started with me asking another friend if his parents had religious background. I did not intend to insult anyone with the question but he seemed to be practically religious to me. Probably I was misunderstood by asking that kind of question because it seemed rather vague. There isn’t any range or rank in piousness –so, that’s probably why the first friend said some of his friends were not happy due to “somewhere along that line”.

Because we were friends since our days in polytechnic, I assumed exactly who were the people after mixing around with people.

I want to make things short. So, I think I first begin with an apology.

I was inclined towards religious knowledge. I used to think my faith was the absolute truth and nothing could surpass Islam. I am truly sorry to disappoint any of you should I say that I no longer have such certainty. And I know that fingers have pointed at me with words spewed out of mouths about me.

To such people, for I believe they have been those whom I know for years, I need to tell you I am completely different from whom the Izuddin whom you know. I no longer belong to my old self. I was probably a childish and immature maniac. It was probably due to my inclination of religious ideologies that separated us especially in my opinions about Tariqah, being on a side which disagreed with its practices.

I no longer have the same comments as I used to have but doubts. Safe to say, that isn’t the only issue.

In terms of personality and characteristic, I am different now, though I have nothing to prove. Back during the days in my polytechnic, I was so religiously inclined that I started to be influenced by a friend who came from a Tabligh group. From then, having the zeal to preach, I was responsible for holding students up after prayers in the praying room of the campus and read to them passages or stories of the companions of Prophet Muhammad from some book which I heard to be questionable of its authenticity.

I never criticised anyone for their faiths and I regarded anyone inferior in faith. That would not make any sense to do such a thing having understood that the religion preached about humility and modesty etc.

So I don’t really understand what exactly I have done which incurred people’s displeasure upon me. I did not call anyone by names. So much as I believed the world was in a terrible state (and I do still believe), I never and ever regarded anyone inferior.

I remember a friend whom I later learnt that she was my distant relative approached me via MSN and requested me to take over her position in taking a good care of the prayer room as she would soon be graduating. Initially, I felt it was a heavy responsibility. But after she explained how it was to be done, which was only keeping an eye of things (if I remember correctly) such as cleanliness and items not to be taken out of place et cetera, I reluctantly accepted the request (it is because originally, the existence of the prayer room was proposed by some group in the school and I was part of it –probably that was why that friend asked me that favour?). At the same time, I added a bit of task for myself by correcting any discrepancies around. I do not say I did all these things because I am proud of doing so. What is it to be proud of when although you did such things yet now you have become a sceptical person?

So, the question remains; what exactly have I done that made people so much displeased about me?

Alright, if they were unhappy because I had a different opinion towards certain practices or religious sects or groups, I am willing to apologise for that. At the bottom of my heart, I am truly sorry because those were the days of my ignorance. I used to debate with a classmate and ended up insulting him and to this day, I am not proud of what I have done. See exactly what an inclination and been influenced to certain things have led me into. I need to honest that I’d even spewed things at a cousin of mine via MSN years ago.

And I am not proud of those things.

There is nothing what I said that could ever and ever make people think differently of me now especially after all those mistakes of mine in any aspect, be it from “love” issue to religious ones or even simply because of different opinions –or as simple as my manners towards others.

I used to think such and such things were heretic. Probably some of these people who found out I was in disagreement with them were displeased with what I said. Nevertheless, is there a need to badmouth about me? I have met people who agree that the world is in such a big mess due to declination in morality or corruption among the society etc. Some of these people even believe that the world is moving towards materialistic success that they forget about satisfying oneself in terms of spirituality. I believed that too –and I still do. But none of these ever mentioned a specific person in mind whom they knew were practicing such wrongdoings.

So, do I really see a reason why fingers should be pointing at me and things are spewed about me? Do I really have to catch a glance of a friend who had his finger pointing at me as he is talking to another friend in a mosque? Have we not forgotten we too were once those who were ignorant? And now when we had knowledge, we spewed about things and breaking of ties?

I am sorry –not because it is a lip service. But it is because I truly mean it. I learn my lesson through the hard way. God sent me a decent Christian girl and I got infatuated over her to this day and thus the born of doubts –but those doubts were easily dealt with until the media got hold of me with stories about Muslims having dreams and visions of Jesus Christ as Lord.

Life was extremely agonising, hurtful, contradicting and conflicting during those moments onwards. It was the end of my first semester of my second year in polytechnic and the month of Ramadan was around the corner. Just as I was hoping to devote myself in more time towards spirituality and then those incredible tales occurred?

I am truly sorry to any Christian readers but other than sharing what got me into scepticism, I was hoping if any of you could validate and authenticate those stories. I have watched debates between my faith and other religions and so as refutations about any misconception of my religion. But I do not see any sense for such stories to appear in the internet. Yes, I appreciate the effort put by my friend in discrediting these stories (and they happened to be named as “More than Dreams”) but I wish I can hear from the crews of the productions behind such stories or dramas that everything is all a fabrication –a propaganda.

I am not saying this because I choose not to believe. I am saying this because I want to make sense of things. So, if everyone ought to believe others who claimed to have a divine experience to be true, then what is the point of having research in the field of theology? Where gone the rationality of things should we believe in people who claimed such and such while research may have proven such beliefs to be questionable in some other aspects, say the credibility of a holy book or scientific discrepancies?

No, I am not pointing out any religion –neither Christianity nor Islam. I have given my word to a teacher who is a Catholic that I will respect his religion –and so I will keep that promise. Moreover, I do still have affection to the abovementioned Christian girl. I am now respecting the beliefs of others not out of friendship but compassion as a human being.

I learn my lesson in being respectful and having a sense of open-mindedness. I was so angry whenever I was inflicted by doubts during those days. But all praise to God that He has given my Guidance what I should do now, which is to seek knowledge.

I am truly sorry to have digressed so much. Being selfish in accepting and studying others’ opinions is probably the reason why some you are still displeased with me to this very day. I understand how much anger you have that probably you start to think of people in certain ways. I do as well. And for that reason, I’ve learnt to appreciate the worth each one of us has a human being and never to criticise the beliefs of others without knowledge. Let me be frank with you all; I learnt through what I heard and inquired through people whom I respected for their knowledge such as religious teachers or clerics. And that explains why I perceived things in such a biased way –it is because I never did any research but trusted the words of people whom I respected to be wise. But knowledge itself, like power, can be abused.

So if you ask me how I seek knowledge, I’ll probably share with you 101 reasons but trusting the words of people isn’t really an absolute truth to me now. For that matter, not all books too are absolutely right or factual in any aspect i.e. historically or scientifically etc. I am a rationalist –and I believe you all too come to a conclusion for something to be true by your own means of rationality.

If being egoistic and not open-minded is the reason why you are displeased with me, I want to apologise for my past deeds. If you think I did not do my job as a “caretaker” of the prayer room, my only defence is; I did all I could. You must realise that I was a student and being one, I did not have any authority at all, though entrusted with such a heavy responsibility. Let bygones be bygones. If you are displeased over my ignorance, I will not deny but admit my mistakes and immaturity. And once again, I will apologise to you all. I am truly sorry. That is the purpose of me having this blog; to share my experiences so that others can benefit from my mistakes. I used to be angry some friends when I had suspicion they were mocking behind my back. These were assumptions. I’ve gotten well with them again. I am sorry for such things and I will do my best to restrain myself from such habitual misdeeds.

I am seeking the absolute truth which God wants us to believe, just like all of you. Therefore, you have the rights upon me in which I am ought to apologise for my shortcomings. All good things emanate from God while the bad ones are mine and mine alone. Let’s just forget about the past and move on with things.

If you still do not trust my words, then let us make a deal.

I will beseech you (and you too, N_ _ _) to clear my name. In exchange, I will do my utmost best to defend God’s commands. How I am going to do so is not the question; what matters is what are His commandments, laws and the signs He has bestowed upon. In a nutshell, it is the matter of which beliefs to be relied, which religion to be believed and regarded as truth. I will do my best to argue constructively and never to resort to insults.

I am not baptised to be a new person. But I choose to be one the moment when I decided to step out of my comfort zone and watch world with my senses. The allegory of Plato’s cave has given me the words to describe that.


And yes, it’s nearly early morning –nearly 2am (or probably more by the time I posted this).

CHAPTER 7: My E_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _; Recovering from HFMD

Peace and greetings


It’s pretty funny that as I am typing this blog entry, the background is white but you readers read this blog, you’re reading the words with a background colour of the blog. Due to this, I am just afraid I may get bored over being a blogger –or even a writer or novelist since readers get the privilege to glance at the design of a book cover.

Nah, I’m not complaining. It’s just that I find it pretty amusing, not sarcasm.

In any case, let me start officially about today’s entry. Well, initially I thought of typing about gratitude, something which I owe everyone especially my parents, my brother who asked about my well-being, my friends who wished me well through SMS service and most important Person in my life, God.

I don’t want to make this like a grand ceremony because the struggles I had over the past few days when I was down with Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease were nearly beyond all that I could bear to endure. The most important Person in my life happened to be the one whom I verbally abused during those nights. I do still feel guilty and remorseful for that especially after He had healed me, probably through my dad when he asked me to wash my hands and feet into a basin full of Dettol liquid soap.

Well, I didn’t really want to blog about that especially with the mention of God because my relationship with Him is deeply personal, just like everyone else. So, I feel it isn’t proper to express one’s gratitude to in a platform where everyone can read especially when the Person whom you’re referring is Him. Having said that, I was reminded the tearful confession of the televangelist Jimmy Swaggart who cried before the masses in the year 1988 for committing “some sin”. Alright, let’s cut that out. I just find it quite reminiscing, that’s all. After all, I have to keep my word in respecting everyone from all various backgrounds including religions, have I not?

In any case, let’s get going.

I am not pretty sure myself either. For some reason, I need a space to pour out my feelings. Yet at the same time, the space which I am blessed with can be seen by thousand eyes. It is like on one hand, I need somewhere to pour everything out yet at the same time, I ought to be careful. It is possibly because if I choose to pour things out here, I will never dare to solve things especially any interpersonal problems in the real world. You know –it’s so much easier to apologise to someone in here than approaching him or her directly. To be honest, I’d prefer practising the latter. But if I were to resort to this kind of approach where I will only rely on my blog as a medium to get my emotions out, things will never be solved. I don’t wish to go that extreme. Really, my mother and I were in tears as I apologised to her for that heated argument.

I am proud of myself for stepping out of my room to confront her, making an apology.

But I do not say I am proud of what I did. I am still remorseful and guilty of doing that to a point my father said the HFMD was a punishment upon me for such insolence. See the difference between confronting someone and apologise to her in a real world and expressing in a blog about how remorseful you are? Virtual reality is lacked of so many elements. Those faces of expressions –they called it emoticons – may not even be what the person behind the screen is expressing. It could be a plain sarcasm. It’s pretty different when you cracked a joke in a real world and a virtual world. In the former, people you could observe you tone, expression of emotions on your face and even your body language. At the same time, you being an entertainer could observe the reactions of your audiences especially how hard they laugh or please with your –I am truly sorry to use the word – nonsenses. However do you see that in, say, a conversation in MSN? Your recipient could reply to you with “Ha! Ha! Ha!” but you might never know if s/he could only be sarcastic or even laughing in a form of text just to please or acknowledge whatever you said.

It is easy said than done. Confronting people is never easy especially if it isn’t your habit. If people were to ask whether I am an introvert or an extrovert, my only answer is; I am only doing my best to be true to my feelings. If I feel I’ve wronged you, then I’m truly sorry. I don’t mean it. It’s just that I don’t know how to say. No matter how much I want to shed tears before everyone, I believe it’s my egotism that makes me fight to hold back my tears. Probably that’s what happened to some of you who happened to watch a very touching drama or advertisement in the living room with your parents –it’s so funny that you’re touched by such plots yet you don’t want to cry without being seen by your parents.

Getting back to the topic, I will just shrug and say… I don’t know.

I owe my parents a big time for taking a good care of me when I was sick especially waking me up at night and gave me medicines to swallow. I wanted to thank them. I felt even the urge to do so. Come to think about it, there’s no use if I utter such things.

Thanking someone isn’t a lip service, so as apologising to another person by saying sorry. Whenever I wanted to thank my parents, I felt that I could never repay them no matter how much I thanked them. It’s so hard of me now to put in effort in being caring and loving towards them, not to mention chaining my anger from being unleashed if I feel mistreated whenever they scold me unnecessarily –if you get what I mean. Yet strangely, that is part of my commitment to change for a better self.

If thanking and apologising isn’t a lip service, I don’t see any point of saying “thank you” to God either. I can’t seem to find the right word to thank God. May God protect me from any boastfulness but whenever I said “thank you”, I felt amiss. It’s like –He deserves more than a mere thanks. Even after praising and glorifying His Holy name, I still felt that wasn’t enough.

Because I was unable to repay Him in any way, I ended up asking for more; His Guidance. It’s strange because I can never repay my Creator. Tell me –how do you repay someone who’s been giving you things yet you know you cannot repay him because you yourself come from him?

I’m done… because I’m hurt
Hurt by my own feelings of conscience
The conscience in being conscious
To be earnest and true to myself at all times
In striving for the better part of me

Could this be… gratitude?