Peace and greetings
It’s pretty funny that as I am typing this blog entry, the background is white but you readers read this blog, you’re reading the words with a background colour of the blog. Due to this, I am just afraid I may get bored over being a blogger –or even a writer or novelist since readers get the privilege to glance at the design of a book cover.
Nah, I’m not complaining. It’s just that I find it pretty amusing, not sarcasm.
In any case, let me start officially about today’s entry. Well, initially I thought of typing about gratitude, something which I owe everyone especially my parents, my brother who asked about my well-being, my friends who wished me well through SMS service and most important Person in my life, God.
I don’t want to make this like a grand ceremony because the struggles I had over the past few days when I was down with Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease were nearly beyond all that I could bear to endure. The most important Person in my life happened to be the one whom I verbally abused during those nights. I do still feel guilty and remorseful for that especially after He had healed me, probably through my dad when he asked me to wash my hands and feet into a basin full of Dettol liquid soap.
Well, I didn’t really want to blog about that especially with the mention of God because my relationship with Him is deeply personal, just like everyone else. So, I feel it isn’t proper to express one’s gratitude to in a platform where everyone can read especially when the Person whom you’re referring is Him. Having said that, I was reminded the tearful confession of the televangelist Jimmy Swaggart who cried before the masses in the year 1988 for committing “some sin”. Alright, let’s cut that out. I just find it quite reminiscing, that’s all. After all, I have to keep my word in respecting everyone from all various backgrounds including religions, have I not?
In any case, let’s get going.
I am not pretty sure myself either. For some reason, I need a space to pour out my feelings. Yet at the same time, the space which I am blessed with can be seen by thousand eyes. It is like on one hand, I need somewhere to pour everything out yet at the same time, I ought to be careful. It is possibly because if I choose to pour things out here, I will never dare to solve things especially any interpersonal problems in the real world. You know –it’s so much easier to apologise to someone in here than approaching him or her directly. To be honest, I’d prefer practising the latter. But if I were to resort to this kind of approach where I will only rely on my blog as a medium to get my emotions out, things will never be solved. I don’t wish to go that extreme. Really, my mother and I were in tears as I apologised to her for that heated argument.
I am proud of myself for stepping out of my room to confront her, making an apology.
But I do not say I am proud of what I did. I am still remorseful and guilty of doing that to a point my father said the HFMD was a punishment upon me for such insolence. See the difference between confronting someone and apologise to her in a real world and expressing in a blog about how remorseful you are? Virtual reality is lacked of so many elements. Those faces of expressions –they called it emoticons – may not even be what the person behind the screen is expressing. It could be a plain sarcasm. It’s pretty different when you cracked a joke in a real world and a virtual world. In the former, people you could observe you tone, expression of emotions on your face and even your body language. At the same time, you being an entertainer could observe the reactions of your audiences especially how hard they laugh or please with your –I am truly sorry to use the word – nonsenses. However do you see that in, say, a conversation in MSN? Your recipient could reply to you with “Ha! Ha! Ha!” but you might never know if s/he could only be sarcastic or even laughing in a form of text just to please or acknowledge whatever you said.
It is easy said than done. Confronting people is never easy especially if it isn’t your habit. If people were to ask whether I am an introvert or an extrovert, my only answer is; I am only doing my best to be true to my feelings. If I feel I’ve wronged you, then I’m truly sorry. I don’t mean it. It’s just that I don’t know how to say. No matter how much I want to shed tears before everyone, I believe it’s my egotism that makes me fight to hold back my tears. Probably that’s what happened to some of you who happened to watch a very touching drama or advertisement in the living room with your parents –it’s so funny that you’re touched by such plots yet you don’t want to cry without being seen by your parents.
Getting back to the topic, I will just shrug and say… I don’t know.
I owe my parents a big time for taking a good care of me when I was sick especially waking me up at night and gave me medicines to swallow. I wanted to thank them. I felt even the urge to do so. Come to think about it, there’s no use if I utter such things.
Thanking someone isn’t a lip service, so as apologising to another person by saying sorry. Whenever I wanted to thank my parents, I felt that I could never repay them no matter how much I thanked them. It’s so hard of me now to put in effort in being caring and loving towards them, not to mention chaining my anger from being unleashed if I feel mistreated whenever they scold me unnecessarily –if you get what I mean. Yet strangely, that is part of my commitment to change for a better self.
If thanking and apologising isn’t a lip service, I don’t see any point of saying “thank you” to God either. I can’t seem to find the right word to thank God. May God protect me from any boastfulness but whenever I said “thank you”, I felt amiss. It’s like –He deserves more than a mere thanks. Even after praising and glorifying His Holy name, I still felt that wasn’t enough.
Because I was unable to repay Him in any way, I ended up asking for more; His Guidance. It’s strange because I can never repay my Creator. Tell me –how do you repay someone who’s been giving you things yet you know you cannot repay him because you yourself come from him?
I’m done… because I’m hurt
Hurt by my own feelings of conscience
The conscience in being conscious
To be earnest and true to myself at all times
In striving for the better part of me
Could this be… gratitude?
It’s pretty funny that as I am typing this blog entry, the background is white but you readers read this blog, you’re reading the words with a background colour of the blog. Due to this, I am just afraid I may get bored over being a blogger –or even a writer or novelist since readers get the privilege to glance at the design of a book cover.
Nah, I’m not complaining. It’s just that I find it pretty amusing, not sarcasm.
In any case, let me start officially about today’s entry. Well, initially I thought of typing about gratitude, something which I owe everyone especially my parents, my brother who asked about my well-being, my friends who wished me well through SMS service and most important Person in my life, God.
I don’t want to make this like a grand ceremony because the struggles I had over the past few days when I was down with Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease were nearly beyond all that I could bear to endure. The most important Person in my life happened to be the one whom I verbally abused during those nights. I do still feel guilty and remorseful for that especially after He had healed me, probably through my dad when he asked me to wash my hands and feet into a basin full of Dettol liquid soap.
Well, I didn’t really want to blog about that especially with the mention of God because my relationship with Him is deeply personal, just like everyone else. So, I feel it isn’t proper to express one’s gratitude to in a platform where everyone can read especially when the Person whom you’re referring is Him. Having said that, I was reminded the tearful confession of the televangelist Jimmy Swaggart who cried before the masses in the year 1988 for committing “some sin”. Alright, let’s cut that out. I just find it quite reminiscing, that’s all. After all, I have to keep my word in respecting everyone from all various backgrounds including religions, have I not?
In any case, let’s get going.
I am not pretty sure myself either. For some reason, I need a space to pour out my feelings. Yet at the same time, the space which I am blessed with can be seen by thousand eyes. It is like on one hand, I need somewhere to pour everything out yet at the same time, I ought to be careful. It is possibly because if I choose to pour things out here, I will never dare to solve things especially any interpersonal problems in the real world. You know –it’s so much easier to apologise to someone in here than approaching him or her directly. To be honest, I’d prefer practising the latter. But if I were to resort to this kind of approach where I will only rely on my blog as a medium to get my emotions out, things will never be solved. I don’t wish to go that extreme. Really, my mother and I were in tears as I apologised to her for that heated argument.
I am proud of myself for stepping out of my room to confront her, making an apology.
But I do not say I am proud of what I did. I am still remorseful and guilty of doing that to a point my father said the HFMD was a punishment upon me for such insolence. See the difference between confronting someone and apologise to her in a real world and expressing in a blog about how remorseful you are? Virtual reality is lacked of so many elements. Those faces of expressions –they called it emoticons – may not even be what the person behind the screen is expressing. It could be a plain sarcasm. It’s pretty different when you cracked a joke in a real world and a virtual world. In the former, people you could observe you tone, expression of emotions on your face and even your body language. At the same time, you being an entertainer could observe the reactions of your audiences especially how hard they laugh or please with your –I am truly sorry to use the word – nonsenses. However do you see that in, say, a conversation in MSN? Your recipient could reply to you with “Ha! Ha! Ha!” but you might never know if s/he could only be sarcastic or even laughing in a form of text just to please or acknowledge whatever you said.
It is easy said than done. Confronting people is never easy especially if it isn’t your habit. If people were to ask whether I am an introvert or an extrovert, my only answer is; I am only doing my best to be true to my feelings. If I feel I’ve wronged you, then I’m truly sorry. I don’t mean it. It’s just that I don’t know how to say. No matter how much I want to shed tears before everyone, I believe it’s my egotism that makes me fight to hold back my tears. Probably that’s what happened to some of you who happened to watch a very touching drama or advertisement in the living room with your parents –it’s so funny that you’re touched by such plots yet you don’t want to cry without being seen by your parents.
Getting back to the topic, I will just shrug and say… I don’t know.
I owe my parents a big time for taking a good care of me when I was sick especially waking me up at night and gave me medicines to swallow. I wanted to thank them. I felt even the urge to do so. Come to think about it, there’s no use if I utter such things.
Thanking someone isn’t a lip service, so as apologising to another person by saying sorry. Whenever I wanted to thank my parents, I felt that I could never repay them no matter how much I thanked them. It’s so hard of me now to put in effort in being caring and loving towards them, not to mention chaining my anger from being unleashed if I feel mistreated whenever they scold me unnecessarily –if you get what I mean. Yet strangely, that is part of my commitment to change for a better self.
If thanking and apologising isn’t a lip service, I don’t see any point of saying “thank you” to God either. I can’t seem to find the right word to thank God. May God protect me from any boastfulness but whenever I said “thank you”, I felt amiss. It’s like –He deserves more than a mere thanks. Even after praising and glorifying His Holy name, I still felt that wasn’t enough.
Because I was unable to repay Him in any way, I ended up asking for more; His Guidance. It’s strange because I can never repay my Creator. Tell me –how do you repay someone who’s been giving you things yet you know you cannot repay him because you yourself come from him?
I’m done… because I’m hurt
Hurt by my own feelings of conscience
The conscience in being conscious
To be earnest and true to myself at all times
In striving for the better part of me
Could this be… gratitude?
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