CHAPTER 8: My E_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _; A Confession & I'm Sorry :(

Hey, all


I thought it might something to try –a new way of greeting. But obviously, I prefer greeting you all with ‘Peace’. Well, I thought of trying that out because the previous greetings have always been a template. I prefer typing the greeting out myself in hopes that I’d be sincere and mean what the word supposed to mean.

I think I’m spared with 45 minutes before I need to go to bed especially I plan of doing some workout with my cousin Fadhil tomorrow morning. I’d in mind about expressing my doubts a couple of days back after my visit to a bookstore. But I believe I’ve missed out some things in sharing about my past.

And I was reminded when a friend who told me some of his friends were not happy with something which went “somewhere along that line” during Saturday’s outing in celebrating the Eid-Fitri festival with some friends.

It all started with me asking another friend if his parents had religious background. I did not intend to insult anyone with the question but he seemed to be practically religious to me. Probably I was misunderstood by asking that kind of question because it seemed rather vague. There isn’t any range or rank in piousness –so, that’s probably why the first friend said some of his friends were not happy due to “somewhere along that line”.

Because we were friends since our days in polytechnic, I assumed exactly who were the people after mixing around with people.

I want to make things short. So, I think I first begin with an apology.

I was inclined towards religious knowledge. I used to think my faith was the absolute truth and nothing could surpass Islam. I am truly sorry to disappoint any of you should I say that I no longer have such certainty. And I know that fingers have pointed at me with words spewed out of mouths about me.

To such people, for I believe they have been those whom I know for years, I need to tell you I am completely different from whom the Izuddin whom you know. I no longer belong to my old self. I was probably a childish and immature maniac. It was probably due to my inclination of religious ideologies that separated us especially in my opinions about Tariqah, being on a side which disagreed with its practices.

I no longer have the same comments as I used to have but doubts. Safe to say, that isn’t the only issue.

In terms of personality and characteristic, I am different now, though I have nothing to prove. Back during the days in my polytechnic, I was so religiously inclined that I started to be influenced by a friend who came from a Tabligh group. From then, having the zeal to preach, I was responsible for holding students up after prayers in the praying room of the campus and read to them passages or stories of the companions of Prophet Muhammad from some book which I heard to be questionable of its authenticity.

I never criticised anyone for their faiths and I regarded anyone inferior in faith. That would not make any sense to do such a thing having understood that the religion preached about humility and modesty etc.

So I don’t really understand what exactly I have done which incurred people’s displeasure upon me. I did not call anyone by names. So much as I believed the world was in a terrible state (and I do still believe), I never and ever regarded anyone inferior.

I remember a friend whom I later learnt that she was my distant relative approached me via MSN and requested me to take over her position in taking a good care of the prayer room as she would soon be graduating. Initially, I felt it was a heavy responsibility. But after she explained how it was to be done, which was only keeping an eye of things (if I remember correctly) such as cleanliness and items not to be taken out of place et cetera, I reluctantly accepted the request (it is because originally, the existence of the prayer room was proposed by some group in the school and I was part of it –probably that was why that friend asked me that favour?). At the same time, I added a bit of task for myself by correcting any discrepancies around. I do not say I did all these things because I am proud of doing so. What is it to be proud of when although you did such things yet now you have become a sceptical person?

So, the question remains; what exactly have I done that made people so much displeased about me?

Alright, if they were unhappy because I had a different opinion towards certain practices or religious sects or groups, I am willing to apologise for that. At the bottom of my heart, I am truly sorry because those were the days of my ignorance. I used to debate with a classmate and ended up insulting him and to this day, I am not proud of what I have done. See exactly what an inclination and been influenced to certain things have led me into. I need to honest that I’d even spewed things at a cousin of mine via MSN years ago.

And I am not proud of those things.

There is nothing what I said that could ever and ever make people think differently of me now especially after all those mistakes of mine in any aspect, be it from “love” issue to religious ones or even simply because of different opinions –or as simple as my manners towards others.

I used to think such and such things were heretic. Probably some of these people who found out I was in disagreement with them were displeased with what I said. Nevertheless, is there a need to badmouth about me? I have met people who agree that the world is in such a big mess due to declination in morality or corruption among the society etc. Some of these people even believe that the world is moving towards materialistic success that they forget about satisfying oneself in terms of spirituality. I believed that too –and I still do. But none of these ever mentioned a specific person in mind whom they knew were practicing such wrongdoings.

So, do I really see a reason why fingers should be pointing at me and things are spewed about me? Do I really have to catch a glance of a friend who had his finger pointing at me as he is talking to another friend in a mosque? Have we not forgotten we too were once those who were ignorant? And now when we had knowledge, we spewed about things and breaking of ties?

I am sorry –not because it is a lip service. But it is because I truly mean it. I learn my lesson through the hard way. God sent me a decent Christian girl and I got infatuated over her to this day and thus the born of doubts –but those doubts were easily dealt with until the media got hold of me with stories about Muslims having dreams and visions of Jesus Christ as Lord.

Life was extremely agonising, hurtful, contradicting and conflicting during those moments onwards. It was the end of my first semester of my second year in polytechnic and the month of Ramadan was around the corner. Just as I was hoping to devote myself in more time towards spirituality and then those incredible tales occurred?

I am truly sorry to any Christian readers but other than sharing what got me into scepticism, I was hoping if any of you could validate and authenticate those stories. I have watched debates between my faith and other religions and so as refutations about any misconception of my religion. But I do not see any sense for such stories to appear in the internet. Yes, I appreciate the effort put by my friend in discrediting these stories (and they happened to be named as “More than Dreams”) but I wish I can hear from the crews of the productions behind such stories or dramas that everything is all a fabrication –a propaganda.

I am not saying this because I choose not to believe. I am saying this because I want to make sense of things. So, if everyone ought to believe others who claimed to have a divine experience to be true, then what is the point of having research in the field of theology? Where gone the rationality of things should we believe in people who claimed such and such while research may have proven such beliefs to be questionable in some other aspects, say the credibility of a holy book or scientific discrepancies?

No, I am not pointing out any religion –neither Christianity nor Islam. I have given my word to a teacher who is a Catholic that I will respect his religion –and so I will keep that promise. Moreover, I do still have affection to the abovementioned Christian girl. I am now respecting the beliefs of others not out of friendship but compassion as a human being.

I learn my lesson in being respectful and having a sense of open-mindedness. I was so angry whenever I was inflicted by doubts during those days. But all praise to God that He has given my Guidance what I should do now, which is to seek knowledge.

I am truly sorry to have digressed so much. Being selfish in accepting and studying others’ opinions is probably the reason why some you are still displeased with me to this very day. I understand how much anger you have that probably you start to think of people in certain ways. I do as well. And for that reason, I’ve learnt to appreciate the worth each one of us has a human being and never to criticise the beliefs of others without knowledge. Let me be frank with you all; I learnt through what I heard and inquired through people whom I respected for their knowledge such as religious teachers or clerics. And that explains why I perceived things in such a biased way –it is because I never did any research but trusted the words of people whom I respected to be wise. But knowledge itself, like power, can be abused.

So if you ask me how I seek knowledge, I’ll probably share with you 101 reasons but trusting the words of people isn’t really an absolute truth to me now. For that matter, not all books too are absolutely right or factual in any aspect i.e. historically or scientifically etc. I am a rationalist –and I believe you all too come to a conclusion for something to be true by your own means of rationality.

If being egoistic and not open-minded is the reason why you are displeased with me, I want to apologise for my past deeds. If you think I did not do my job as a “caretaker” of the prayer room, my only defence is; I did all I could. You must realise that I was a student and being one, I did not have any authority at all, though entrusted with such a heavy responsibility. Let bygones be bygones. If you are displeased over my ignorance, I will not deny but admit my mistakes and immaturity. And once again, I will apologise to you all. I am truly sorry. That is the purpose of me having this blog; to share my experiences so that others can benefit from my mistakes. I used to be angry some friends when I had suspicion they were mocking behind my back. These were assumptions. I’ve gotten well with them again. I am sorry for such things and I will do my best to restrain myself from such habitual misdeeds.

I am seeking the absolute truth which God wants us to believe, just like all of you. Therefore, you have the rights upon me in which I am ought to apologise for my shortcomings. All good things emanate from God while the bad ones are mine and mine alone. Let’s just forget about the past and move on with things.

If you still do not trust my words, then let us make a deal.

I will beseech you (and you too, N_ _ _) to clear my name. In exchange, I will do my utmost best to defend God’s commands. How I am going to do so is not the question; what matters is what are His commandments, laws and the signs He has bestowed upon. In a nutshell, it is the matter of which beliefs to be relied, which religion to be believed and regarded as truth. I will do my best to argue constructively and never to resort to insults.

I am not baptised to be a new person. But I choose to be one the moment when I decided to step out of my comfort zone and watch world with my senses. The allegory of Plato’s cave has given me the words to describe that.


And yes, it’s nearly early morning –nearly 2am (or probably more by the time I posted this).