Peace and greetings
Graduation from Secondary school probably meant a great satisfaction for me. After all those efforts I put in especially in doing well for my GCE ‘N’ Level Examination as an NT student. Life as a private candidate was tough. First and foremost, I wasn’t equipped with same syllabus of studies as those students in NA and Express streams had. Secondly, due to the first point everything seemed to be a rush for me as I had to learn quick since there were loads for me to catch up especially if I wanted to be on par with those Express students sitting for GCE ‘O’ Level Examination.
I was putting so much effort for the first five months or so… until I got caught up with depression over my love (or possibly infatuation) with a friend whom I knew since I was fifteen. But because I don’t wish to share about that aspect of my life in which it involves others, I will proceed with that I’ve to share.
I used to think learning is fun during my secondary school days. It is simply because everything was so easy for me to understand. Science was simply about applying theories until I came to learn more in depth about several things –and under my Physics textbook, the problem for Moment (Moment = Force x Distance) became complicated. I could hardly understand such technical problems because I did not know that my state of mind was still stuck in the world of textbooks but not beyond the curiosity in searching for answers as to why things occur this or that way. I studied for my GCE ‘O’ Level Examination by doing assessment books, especially the ten-years –series, writing the answers and then immediately double-check them with the books’ answer keys.
The reason why I studied was because I wanted to be one of the top students again. I could now provide a reason as to why I wasn’t able to do the GCE ‘O’ Level standard for English Comprehension –it was because of my lack of understanding. I used to think the answers if the questions asked could simply be found in the passages but however at times critical thinking is needed. Or I should say a proper set of mind is needed. If you treat the English Comprehension like a piece of examination paper, you’ll feel the pressure of passing upon you. If you treat it like an article or any storybook you enjoy reading, you’ll understand it.
I was religiously inclined by then. At the same time, I was motivated in pursuing for my ambition; to be a filmmaker. Yet at this point, I wasn’t even exposed to any skills or techniques. I should have joined the Media Club during my secondary school days if I wanted to pursue my dream that badly. Hence I regarded the GCE ‘O’ Level Examination as a route to polytechnic. And I did get to enrol into one.
Like I said before, I was religiously inclined. I did put trust in God before this but the year after I graduated from my secondary school onwards, I began to read and ponder more into my religion.
Well, I did not really care about other religions because I always thought mine was right and so were my parents simply because they knew better than I did. I did not bother to question the authenticity of certain supplications or religious claims in books because I simply thought at the back of my mind they knew what they were saying. I was still influenced by the screen with four corners and by then, I had a taste of a particular new show; Kamen Rider. During that time, I was also engrossed into GUNDAM SEED DESTINY –just another anime nearly parallel to the real world in terms of wars rising from politics. Life was either like a cartoon or some superhero kicking baddies’ butts.
Of course, I knew the line between what was real and fiction. So, I filter out the fictitious parts and believed in the facts especially as portrayed in these shows and anime. However, I did still fantasise about them. Yet at the same time, I did have realistic ideologies or rather, ideals such as a dream for a peaceful world without discrimination. The word “discrimination” has probably made so much impact on me due to my instincts about how the students from the NT stream were despised upon that I probably began to take it on a global scale.
I think it is time to close the chapter with talking about how I’d lived during the years of my tertiary life.
I pray that I am earnest in this part of this update.
Life has changed me drastically since then. The start of my enrolment into polytechnic was joyful. The end, however, was sad, not merely because I’d be parted with some of my friends. Rather, I was sadden by the ties severed by me unintentionally (yes, it’d probably be you if you ever come to stalk me if I do still have your blog address, though I still have it somewhere). I watched myself leaving the school upon the official graduation with Husnah by my side in the bus, both of us lamenting about school days. I guess I’d people whom I’d severed ties with, not by my own force but by the mouth of someone, someone who thought it was the right thing to do by gossiping and backbiting about me and only admitted her faults to a friend of mine instead of apologising directly to me when it was me whom she has wronged.
Yes, I did have affection towards that someone and still do. But I am doing my best to forgive her. I am recovering from a disease and it has been the past few days that I prayed she’d have this disease to go through as a punishment from God for being unjust towards His fellow servant. Let me speak out of my grudge; how could someone speak about love when she mistreats her own brother in humanity, at least her brother through the veins of sons of Adam moreover we’re both from the same reason?
So in the end when she said I wasn’t practising what I preached, wasn’t she being the same as me too?
Pardon me to have digressed a little. I believe that someone was one of the reasons behind my change and part of my perception of the world. In fact come to think about it, there are so many factors that have contributed to changes in me and my perception towards my surrounding. I can’t seem to decide whether if I am an optimistic or pessimistic person. Either I am in between or the latter. But being both is being realistic, isn’t it? Happiness is short-lived but a silent joy remains eternal. However, what remains is; I am what the world has shaped me today.
That neither sounds good nor bad. The bad things which I saw in my past must have shaped me to a point that these things are probably now my habits in which I must fight to breakaway. Likewise, the good things I met from the past till now too have probably preserved some of my humanity so as to overcome the bad habits of mine.
Yes, I do have bad habits such as making assumptions deep within me towards other people and this often arises out of depression or rejection. Yet for every good deed, I try to understand and comprehend it why it is ought to be practised.
Another change that I had is probably doing critical thinking or reflection. But I must say that I want to end this Chapter here because I don’t feel like writing anymore.
To be honest ever since the long delay, I’ve nearly forgotten what I should write down. And after my latest encounter with a disease, I couldn’t help but bear a conflict within me with regards to the purpose of me writing all these.
I wish to remain as true to myself as much as possible.
Graduation from Secondary school probably meant a great satisfaction for me. After all those efforts I put in especially in doing well for my GCE ‘N’ Level Examination as an NT student. Life as a private candidate was tough. First and foremost, I wasn’t equipped with same syllabus of studies as those students in NA and Express streams had. Secondly, due to the first point everything seemed to be a rush for me as I had to learn quick since there were loads for me to catch up especially if I wanted to be on par with those Express students sitting for GCE ‘O’ Level Examination.
I was putting so much effort for the first five months or so… until I got caught up with depression over my love (or possibly infatuation) with a friend whom I knew since I was fifteen. But because I don’t wish to share about that aspect of my life in which it involves others, I will proceed with that I’ve to share.
I used to think learning is fun during my secondary school days. It is simply because everything was so easy for me to understand. Science was simply about applying theories until I came to learn more in depth about several things –and under my Physics textbook, the problem for Moment (Moment = Force x Distance) became complicated. I could hardly understand such technical problems because I did not know that my state of mind was still stuck in the world of textbooks but not beyond the curiosity in searching for answers as to why things occur this or that way. I studied for my GCE ‘O’ Level Examination by doing assessment books, especially the ten-years –series, writing the answers and then immediately double-check them with the books’ answer keys.
The reason why I studied was because I wanted to be one of the top students again. I could now provide a reason as to why I wasn’t able to do the GCE ‘O’ Level standard for English Comprehension –it was because of my lack of understanding. I used to think the answers if the questions asked could simply be found in the passages but however at times critical thinking is needed. Or I should say a proper set of mind is needed. If you treat the English Comprehension like a piece of examination paper, you’ll feel the pressure of passing upon you. If you treat it like an article or any storybook you enjoy reading, you’ll understand it.
I was religiously inclined by then. At the same time, I was motivated in pursuing for my ambition; to be a filmmaker. Yet at this point, I wasn’t even exposed to any skills or techniques. I should have joined the Media Club during my secondary school days if I wanted to pursue my dream that badly. Hence I regarded the GCE ‘O’ Level Examination as a route to polytechnic. And I did get to enrol into one.
Like I said before, I was religiously inclined. I did put trust in God before this but the year after I graduated from my secondary school onwards, I began to read and ponder more into my religion.
Well, I did not really care about other religions because I always thought mine was right and so were my parents simply because they knew better than I did. I did not bother to question the authenticity of certain supplications or religious claims in books because I simply thought at the back of my mind they knew what they were saying. I was still influenced by the screen with four corners and by then, I had a taste of a particular new show; Kamen Rider. During that time, I was also engrossed into GUNDAM SEED DESTINY –just another anime nearly parallel to the real world in terms of wars rising from politics. Life was either like a cartoon or some superhero kicking baddies’ butts.
Of course, I knew the line between what was real and fiction. So, I filter out the fictitious parts and believed in the facts especially as portrayed in these shows and anime. However, I did still fantasise about them. Yet at the same time, I did have realistic ideologies or rather, ideals such as a dream for a peaceful world without discrimination. The word “discrimination” has probably made so much impact on me due to my instincts about how the students from the NT stream were despised upon that I probably began to take it on a global scale.
I think it is time to close the chapter with talking about how I’d lived during the years of my tertiary life.
I pray that I am earnest in this part of this update.
Life has changed me drastically since then. The start of my enrolment into polytechnic was joyful. The end, however, was sad, not merely because I’d be parted with some of my friends. Rather, I was sadden by the ties severed by me unintentionally (yes, it’d probably be you if you ever come to stalk me if I do still have your blog address, though I still have it somewhere). I watched myself leaving the school upon the official graduation with Husnah by my side in the bus, both of us lamenting about school days. I guess I’d people whom I’d severed ties with, not by my own force but by the mouth of someone, someone who thought it was the right thing to do by gossiping and backbiting about me and only admitted her faults to a friend of mine instead of apologising directly to me when it was me whom she has wronged.
Yes, I did have affection towards that someone and still do. But I am doing my best to forgive her. I am recovering from a disease and it has been the past few days that I prayed she’d have this disease to go through as a punishment from God for being unjust towards His fellow servant. Let me speak out of my grudge; how could someone speak about love when she mistreats her own brother in humanity, at least her brother through the veins of sons of Adam moreover we’re both from the same reason?
So in the end when she said I wasn’t practising what I preached, wasn’t she being the same as me too?
Pardon me to have digressed a little. I believe that someone was one of the reasons behind my change and part of my perception of the world. In fact come to think about it, there are so many factors that have contributed to changes in me and my perception towards my surrounding. I can’t seem to decide whether if I am an optimistic or pessimistic person. Either I am in between or the latter. But being both is being realistic, isn’t it? Happiness is short-lived but a silent joy remains eternal. However, what remains is; I am what the world has shaped me today.
That neither sounds good nor bad. The bad things which I saw in my past must have shaped me to a point that these things are probably now my habits in which I must fight to breakaway. Likewise, the good things I met from the past till now too have probably preserved some of my humanity so as to overcome the bad habits of mine.
Yes, I do have bad habits such as making assumptions deep within me towards other people and this often arises out of depression or rejection. Yet for every good deed, I try to understand and comprehend it why it is ought to be practised.
Another change that I had is probably doing critical thinking or reflection. But I must say that I want to end this Chapter here because I don’t feel like writing anymore.
To be honest ever since the long delay, I’ve nearly forgotten what I should write down. And after my latest encounter with a disease, I couldn’t help but bear a conflict within me with regards to the purpose of me writing all these.
I wish to remain as true to myself as much as possible.
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