CHAPTER 17: P_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ Drives Me Mad; Cause & Effect

Welcome


Originally, this entry was not as what you would be reading now. I thought it was alright of me to share what my vicious habits were. However, I decided that I did not want any confession of sexual activity. As much as I would want to share so as to get help from you readers, at the same time I do not want anyone to bear thoughts of me regarding how bad I am. God knows better, and He does.

And I think it is even wise of me not to confess because some of you who have already bear an animosity or sense of dislike towards me or my thought-processes (especially being philosophical, though I will not say that is the right word). Some of you might not already forgive me the misdeeds that I had done. Personally, I do not want anyone to pile up their dislike towards me by using what they know more about me so as to continue in their acts of ostracism on me.

Coming back to where we last stopped, I was as though confident to declare that there I have a creator and it’s God. In addition, I claimed that because, like Descartes, God is good in nature and thus, He will not deceive me. And therefore, the “puppets” around me are as real as I am. In a nutshell, they exist as I do with their individual minds, if you get my meaning.

I was caught by surprise that actually Descartes and I shared the same view of certain things. It is not that I am influenced by his thoughts, though you know that I was bugged so much when he raised an issue what if I am living in an illusion e.g. there is a demon deceiving me in my senses to experience empirically. The continuation of my thought-process below was written two days ago (today is 15th October) and I only stopped about Descartes coming to point which he claimed to feel pain to his body only yesterday. Of course, experiencing myself beforehand gives me an advantage to understand better of his message. Despite coming to views parallel to his however, I came through a different experience and thus may slightly differ in terms of opinions.

Now, I cannot deny that I have desires and cravings towards certain things in this world. And if the objects of my cravings are as illusionary as the “puppets”, then all the satisfactions and pleasures I attained all these years in my life are in vain. In a nutshell, I have been deceived into believing these things do give me happiness. If now I doubt whether such experiences in satisfying my desires are real, if I am ever tempted again, and if I chose to satisfy my desires for the sake of being in a state of pleasurable, then I guess the appropriate statement for my deeds are as the probably-famous statement in this world I live, “Ignorance is bliss”.

At this point, I realise I do have a creator but have yet to understand the purpose of my life. Needless to say, I have yet to understand who my creator is and what qualities he has. At the same time, I have desires. Because ignorance is bliss, should I return to where I first lived and resume to my normal life?

We went through about God in my previous entries. As abovementioned, I am still pondering about who exactly my creator is. I acknowledge that if I think, therefore I exist. And since I exist, I acknowledge there is a mysterious creator –and I don’t know him at all. If all this while I’ve come to known that the world is an illusion for me i.e. all around me does not exist including the people whom I consider them as “puppets”, it seems irony that I could easily be lured into a trap of my own desires. It’s like playing with a doll and talking to it, thinking it has a life but it’s all made of plastic. And then I acknowledge there’s a pleasure in falling into the trap.

But one thing for sure, despite the pleasures and satisfaction I earned through the fulfilment of my cravings, I felt physically and mentally pain. While I feel there is a sense of logic that I should now find means to avoid submitting to my temptations, the happiness however motivates me into rushing towards my desires. It is as though the happiness weighs more importance than the pain.

At this point, I come to a notion which I feel a need to acknowledge it; cause and effect. I did that and now I paid the price i.e. physically and mentally agonised. Yet at the same time, in the process of it I couldn’t deny how pleasurable it can be. So, what is the price should I choose to continue such habits? Somehow even if I know all around me is merely an illusion, I still find pleasure in doing it.

I came across sites that explain the side effects of what such behaviours and habits would lead to. Somehow, I do not have to continue doing it and then later coming to the stage where I am in a state of what these information had told me. It is because I already felt its pain even if I find it – I beg your pardon – enjoyable. Moreover, the information I came across mentioned how it was like to carry out such acts was nearly entirely parallel to my experiences. Could this information be telling the truth? Or is my creator who controls me toying with me?

At this point, I have to realise of two notions; desires and reasons.

In addition, I have two options now; either I can choose to be a slave to my desires and go back to where I came from so as to enjoy until I do suffer from the side effects or choose to reflect and contemplate how it will eventually destroy me (and thus, learn to avoid it).

Because I acknowledge the pain I incurred, I feel it is best if I were to strive to quit so as avoiding a probably inevitable destiny. But because my temptation is powerful, I am inclined in submitting to my desires, disregarding the danger of the outcome of me, empirically and mentally. And now, I am in a dilemma. Because I acknowledge the effects that take place in me yet hunger for the pleasures, so I wonder what I should do.

Even if I do not fear pain, is it still right of me to pursue my desire? I wish I could –and I want to. But is it the right thing to do?

Now, I suppose the argument is becoming incoherent. That particular desire is not the only thing which I am facing in my life. Rather, I am somehow being put into this world and go through obstacles as what some “puppets” do i.e. finding a job, studying in schools, living to an old age and die. If I continue this desire, even if I do not fear pain, there will be other consequences. Failing to restrain myself may result me in losing concentrations in my daily tasks. Surprisingly, there will be a consequence if I do not fulfil them. If I am student and need to study so as to obtain good results in school and graduate to find a job, it is only logical that I should refrain from succumbing to my desire so that I can give a full attention to my studies. Succumbing to my habits will waste precious time which can be used for other important tasks. Imagine if I stick to those habits and lose focus in my studies. There are chances that I may not do well in my grades and thus, I may even have to repeat a semester or year in school. There goes a bit of my future! I could have disciplined myself in holding back my horse but I choose not to. Can I thus acknowledge that as cause-and-effect?

As a person, there were some points in my life whereby I questioned what the meanings of doing certain things –and that happened whenever I did not have any motivation in them because I did not find the reason why I should be doing so. Assuming I have restrained my horse completely with a new direction in life and now doing other things, I would always be wondering what the purpose of whatever I am doing is. After all at this point, I have yet to acknowledge that the “puppets” around me do exist as I do. I am tired about life because I do not have any meaning in all the things that I do moreover knowing that you could be a “puppet” to hinder me from searching for the truth.

There I go again! What is truth? After acknowledging there is a creator, after being tired of my berserk horse as I will lose direction in life, after walking a new path from my useless steed (I am referring to my horse), I still find life absolutely meaningless because I do not know exactly what I want. I could be as rich as Donald Trump or Bill Gates. I can work towards the path of wealth. Yet coming to this far even if those around me are merely “puppets” which also happened to be used by me in achieving my goals, I still have not found the purpose of my life yet.

I do not know exactly what I want –if I could work so hard to accumulate wealth, then I must anticipate too that the world I live in has faced economic downfall before. The wealth I attained may no longer be valuable to me. It is because even currencies may be as worthless as dried leaves. I could get all the fame I want –but I must realise that I can lose them too.

Anticipating outcomes of certain paths in life, I now concede defeat that I do not have any real and absolute meaning in life. All I am aware is; I think, therefore I am. I am because of a creator. If this world that I live in is full of falsehood (i.e. everything I hear, see, smell, taste and touch may not necessarily be true as what my five senses tell me are merely electric signals interpreted by my brain or I myself am a puppet for the entertainment of a demon), then I should realise that all the things I have done in my life and in this world has been futile and pointless all along. More important since I brought up the issue about economic downfall, how can I be so sure of what has been provided for me, which is probably I know as history? What is the meaning of all these? What is the meaning of my life? What is the purpose of my existence? How can I be convinced that everyone exists?

Because I do not know anything, because I’ve been through the outcomes of certain actions either committed by me or the “puppets”, I want to know; what is the purpose of my existence?

With to that, only my creator can provide me with an answer. It is because he is the one who creates me. He designed me and gave me the ability to think –and he still does!

But the problem is; I do not know who he truly is!


[To be continued…]

CHAPTER 16: P_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ Drives Me Mad; Cogito ergo sum

Evening, readers


It is still 2nd October 2010 as I am typing this. Apparently, I should continue pouring my thoughts because I do not wish to grow insane over my doubts. Life is set on wheels to be turned.

Here is the brief summary of the previous entry; even if the world and the people around me are not real, still I exist because of my thoughts; I think, therefore I am. Because I have the ability to think, I exist. Because I exist, that explains there must be a Creator who designed me.

But it isn’t fair of us to say that those who are mentally handicapped do not exist simply because they do not have the ability to think. They do exist.

Thinking provides us with reasoning, not to mention to plan for an execution of actions in our daily life. And that is probably a gift entrusted to us so that we can reason with ourselves; therefore hopefully with reason, we can understand the world better. Is it fair then to say that knowledge comes with understanding and comprehension of the nature of things? Because we are blessed with the capability to think and reason, therefore we are responsible for what the world is moreover our treatment towards the ones who are not given the ability to do so.

But before that even becomes a practice, how do we know for sure that these people do exist? How can I even be so sure that the people around me do exist and they are talking to me, not puppets sent as means of deception and hindrance to prevent me from seeking what God wants me to believe?

At this point, I don’t think I have much a choice but to believe God is good in nature. Even if I were to think that there is a demon who has control over my life, deceiving me all along, the fact or having faith that God is good grants me a notion that there are aspects of truth in which will allow me to reach Him and obey His Commandments so as to fulfil the existence of my life. Certainly, if I can accept the fact that there is a Creator, is it undeniable that the Creator who designed me knows about the nature of me? Interestingly, if I have a thought that all my life I have been deceived by a demon all along, would that not logically prove there are good and evil?

God still wants me to reach Him. I am still given the ability to think, therefore I exist. If a demon is more powerful than my Creator, then probably the ability to think would have been destroyed by the former. I don’t really suppose the demon would ever want me to “wake up” –he would probably be having fun to watch me facing hardships. It seems to me that life would then be something like placing a pet, say a hamster, into a box and watch it wanders aimlessly.

Imagine we are the ones who are responsible for placing the hamster into such “cage” and then we place hamster-dummies –non-living dolls in shapes of that same animal – and watch how the living hamster communicates with them. What if life was that way for us, to communicate with others when we do not even know that they may not exist but been programmed to entertain us and react according to our actions? Are we been fooled around and therefore we are the only ones in the world, like the hamster being the only living being in the box?

But since I am a thinking object, God does exist because I must be created in order for me to be given the ability to think. I would acknowledge there is an all Powerful and Supreme Being and thus even the demon is created by Him. Because He is All-Powerful, there is no way the demon could have defeated Him. God can never be defeated by His own creations. One way to rationally prove it is that; I do still think and again therefore I exist. So, I was wondering; if I happened to be the only one who exists in this world whereas everyone does not, is it alright of me to live by my own laws? Truly, there are plenty of girls out there who are tempting –it pretty seems to me that should I be the only one who exist, I should rush for them and rub my palms and fingers against their fleshes because of the nature which I feel it exists and resides within me. Or I could even rob the bank without having a fear of getting caught –because I know despite the police officers could touch and handcuff me, I know they do not exist but puppets programmed to “entertain” my actions.

But honestly, it is very frustrating to live in such a life whereby you think you are not bound by rules enforced by the “puppets” around you simply because you can break them owing the fact they do not exist. Using the example of robbing the bank, you know you’ll get caught and be thrown into prison. Other examples include having yourself bruised and punched all over your body by group of bullies or even as simply as facing heartbreak after being hurt by someone whom you love (especially if she walks out of your life yet you still yearn for her).

More importantly of you getting hurt and tormented, be it physically or mentally. At this point, I may choose to continue neglect those around me and treat them in whatever ways I want. I can be rude towards my parents; I can even choose not to be caring or compassionate towards others just because they do not exist. In fact, there seems to be nothing that can stop me from losing my temper –I am then allowed to scold anyone. Not omitting the issue of food, I can choose to eat whatever I desire. Interestingly, you can even point out because I believe only my mind exist, I can choose not to eat. But is that a good idea –not to eat at all i.e. starving myself?

At some point of time, I should be aware that I am affected by the things I do. After all the hurt and pain, will it not seem obvious of me to turn to my Creator and question of my purpose of my existence after failing to endure the hardships I am going through? If it is true the objects around me are “puppets”, why then could I not tolerate or endure all the pain they give me? Constant submission to sexual desires will lead me to empirical pains such as what we know today as HIV or AIDS. Not considering the types of food I eat may result in loads of health issues. It is not like I will not feel the pain of having too much intake of certain food. We know it for sure the types of food that cause diabetes or high blood pressure –and we do feel the pain when facing these illnesses.

Thus, is life still a game in the eyes of the Creator? The demon is out of picture because I already acknowledge that no matter how much he deceives me, my Creator will still protect me from deceptions. Good point! For, I just thought of something.

It does not make any sense to me that toying with one’s life is considered part of God’s nature of good moreover when He has protecting me from the sneaky demon. Who can then tell me what is the purpose of my life should I choose to question, assuming I could no longer endure all sorts of pain in this world? I mean –some of us might now turn to Him and ask “God, why have You given me this and that etc.?

I would have gladly accepted that God wants me to worship Him –and thus, that is my purpose of existence. However, I want to be sure of things. Because God is good in nature, He will provide me with guidance. Because God will provide me with guidance, then I am supposed to be looking into different beliefs and faiths. God cannot possibly approach me because I will still be questioning if that is Him. Even if He approaches me in His true form, how am I supposed to believe that is God after all my doubts? For all we know, it could be the demon in disguise. Oh –I made a mistake! God is All Powerful, so not even the demon has the capability to disguise as Him. But probably he could approach and say, “I am God; worship me”. Do you not think we have such things today e.g. Satanism or even people resorting to what we call black magic? And yes, some of us do take them as gods.

Because I am supposed to be looking into different beliefs and faiths, is it still possible of me to be the only one who exists in this world? The “puppets” coming from all sorts of religious or philosophical backgrounds can approach me and proclaim this or that is the truth. So how do I differentiate between falsehood and truth? I mean –in a truth, there cannot be two theories that contradict each other such as the example of believing in monotheism and polytheism at the same time which I brought up in one of my previous entries. The most I can do is to rely on my rationality. Yet, I may be wrong! I may not be well-equipped with the necessary knowledge for me to do my research. Moreover, sometimes our common sense or rationality derives from our upbringings. So, what now?

It is at this stage that we can be reminded by games or stories that have the supporting characters that are full of help to the protagonists e.g. we may find supporting characters being an influence to the protagonist to do the right thing such as how Merlin was to King Arthur, Gandalf the Grey to Frodo or Dumbledore to Harry Potter (or it could be as funny as a supporting character giving a powerful or magical sword to the protagonist to slay the nearly invincible antagonist in some games). But if we are playing those games, we must bear in mind that it is us who are the players and therefore, it is us and us alone as players who benefit from these supporting characters –and undeniably because some of the supporting characters are non-playable, they too are “puppets” programmed to serve you.

But if I were to continue believing the people around me are “puppets”, then I’d probably not find any reason why I should continue finding. What is the point of searching when I know everyone doesn’t “exist”?

At this point, I am probably offered two choices; to believe or not to believe.

It is because we often hear people converting from one faith to another –it cannot be possible God made them “puppets” to be witnessed by me as those who are being programmed even if they are a form of help in aiding me to discover the truth. Besides, for God to do that would take away the description of Him being good in nature. Then the blame is unto God –He is the deceiver if the converted people are “puppets”.

But because He is good in nature, these people are not possibly what I used to think of them –they do exist as I do. Because I know God is not deceiving me, I can thus communicate with them and ask about their stories of conversions or as simple as experiences in life. At the end of the day, if they are “puppets” not created by God but the demon, then what am I left with to believe? It is never possible of me to live all on my own, believing they are those been programmed to deceive me. So long as God is by my side, the demon can never fool me.

And in this case, I decided to believe you all exist. And because you exist, then I must find and study as much as I can.

After all, coming to all this way is determined on whether you choose to believe or not. I understand how complicated this thought process of mine can go. Like I said, I just want to fair to myself if I were to either accept or refuse Descartes’ way of thinking.

And in this case, I do not wish to discredit the value of another human being. Therefore, I choose to do my best in putting myself in his shoes.



O Lord, I truly believe You exist
Make not me among a disbeliever
Make not me among those who doubt in Your Signs
Show me the light and the way
Of those whom You bestow the Grace of Yours upon
Not those who incurred Your Wrath
Not those who have led themselves astray

Ameen


P.S: At the same time, if I do not decide to believe in something, as mentioned life is set on wheels to be turned. For an instance, if I continue thinking the world is an illusion with me being the only living soul and thus leading me to do nothing such as not getting a job but do whatever I please, I will suffer the consequence. E.g. if I do not find a job, I cannot even satisfy my daily needs such as food and starving myself will lead me to lose my consciousness –if you know what I mean. Well, because death is real. And I know that my mind/soul will have to return to God.

CHAPTER 15: P_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ Drives Me Mad; A Genesis?

Hey, aliens!


Pardon me for such a greeting. If you wouldn’t mind, I’ll explain to you why I gave you such a greeting.

Right –it’s 2nd October 2010 as I am typing this. However, I will probably not publish this so soon because I want a period of contemplating, reflecting and pondering what I am about to share later. I just want a certainty and firmness that what I have been thinking and the conclusions I have made is real.

Meanwhile as I am typing this down, I am waiting for a friend who is now in a meeting. So, I’d better write things down before I forget.

It was a day before that I read sort of a guidebook for Descartes’ Meditations –yes, I am referring to Rene Descartes, the French philosopher of the famous quote “I think, therefore I am” (cogito ergo sum). I have been reading it but where I last stopped did put my mind to a new form of doubt –everything. Initially, I felt compelled to brush his thoughts aside merely because I’d named his thought process as ridiculous. He questioned about the origin of himself –and I have a suspicion that his thoughts became an inspiration for the production of films The Matrix trilogy (probably everybody knows that already; so I am just citing in hopes that readers would have something to refer). I will do my best to summarise what his doubts are. And I hope I am not biased.

So, certainly some of you here believe the world is real through empirical findings i.e. you rely on your experiences of the world or your life through your five senses (and emotions).

But what if someone approaches you and claims that that belief of yours still does not prove that reality is? What if someone tells you that all that you have experienced with your five senses are simply interpreted by the electric signals in your brain? For all you know, you could be dreaming. Imagine yourself to be dreaming while you’re sleeping. Until you wake up, you never know you are dreaming, aren’t you?

This is more or less what Descartes been through. He questioned; what if he was actually nothing? What if he could only be a mind and that the body did not exist? This notion is similar to the idea of brain in a vat (but we must bear in mind that Descartes is a dualist). However for his case, he thought he could possibly be deceived by a demon.

If I remember correctly, because he believes that God is good by nature, it is not possible for God to hide the truth from him. In a nutshell, God wouldn’t let him been deceived all the time. Therefore, there are some parts or aspects of reality that exist –probably for him to know the world and possibly about his existence.

Now, if I ever misquote Descartes, please do correct me. And because I may not be accurate in what I have said above, I suggest you to read Meditations by Descartes.

I won’t deny that if we doubt about everything, life is then pointless and meaningless. The people around us may not seem even to exist to us. Therefore, is it alright of me to suggest that we are free to hurt everyone and live in our own way simply because everyone does not seem real to us?

At this point, I hope you have raised a question; what is reality? Or at least, what is my definition of real?

What Descartes brought up somehow becomes an issue which I feel I should delve upon. Despite that I was inclined to brush off his thought process I just wanted to be fair to myself. You see –if I were to reject his ideas without being reasonable i.e. go back to my life and believe what I choose to believe, probably I am no different from being an ignorant. At the very least, I want an explanation to convince myself why I choose to reject or accept his thoughts.

I understand how crazy this sounds especially to some of you exposed to religious beliefs (and probably already have faith in them). But it is not my wish to reject an idea of someone and then discredit him, say, labelling him mad. So, I guess if we were to do otherwise, probably that shows of our lack of respect towards another human being?

I could not deny that I did have a thought that I might not exist but my thoughts –in short, mind. But I simply brushed that issue aside, convinced that because I believe there is God, therefore He would not make so difficult upon us to search for the truth in which He wants us to believe.

I think last night was when I decided to think of it again. I was asking myself; why did I not think of this? How come I did not think as much as this person? And because I was so obsessed with all that I believed in, I questioned why someone would ask himself such a question –why did Descartes trouble himself (and the world) in questioning with regards to whatever I have shared above.

For some reason, I still believe there is God –because I exist since I think. I cannot think if I am not alive, if I am nothingness. Yet, it is possible of me being nothingness with the ability to think, therefore there is a mind. Because I think, it is possible that someone must have created me –someone must have created my mind. In order for me to think, I must exist. In order for me to exist, I must be created. Thus, possibly my mind is created for me to think –and since I think, I exist.

I think, therefore I am.

Is this what Descartes exactly been through? Somehow, I happened to utter the same thing as him.

But after that, I came to question myself further. Is it possible for only me to exist? What if all those around me are puppets, instruments as means of deception or hindrance in preventing me from finding what God wants of me?

No –such powerful being as God cannot possibly created me without a purpose. How could I be merely an instrument of fun for Him i.e. to watch me facing the ups and downs of –in what we called – life?

Having said all that is above, I do not say that God creates me out of mind before putting it into a body for me have experiences in this world. Rather, I am merely on a thought process to convince myself what reality or truth is. At the end of the day, the definition of truth or real is undeniably being either subjective or vague. I am merely on a thought process to convince of myself and all that is around me. Yet, I do not say I am created out of mind although as a Muslim, I am ought to believe that we all come as souls and witness His existence before we are all tried into this world.

I do really want to be certain of things, at least before I confront a sadistic part of my life, which will dawn next month.


O Lord, should I have gone astray in my thoughts
I beg Your Forgiveness and Guidance
And make me among those who believe You

Ameen


P.S: I do not greet you all by calling you “aliens” with the intention to be rude –but I hope the explanation of my doubts above render you to have something to ponder about

CHAPTER 14: P_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ Drives Me Mad; My Stand

Welcome and enter


Sometimes having written all the entries, I felt my heart hardened. I seek refuge in God so that my heart would shed a tear even at the sight of moving clouds. Correct me if I am wrong but a hardened heart will learn nothing but ignorance. And its arrogance itself is a disease upon the heart. All praises unto God and glory be unto His Holy Name, Ameen (I’m tempted to put “Amen” instead).

So, readers, please supplicate so that I will become a better person, your brother in humanity.

Continuing to where we last stopped, I mentioned that I detached myself from religious ideas but yet still to practice it.

I believe I am different compared to who I was back then.

Back then, I held strongly upon religious ideas and merely overlooked others. Now, I am truly glad all I have to do is to be myself if I were truly sincere upon searching God and be part of Him

People with religious notions merely brush off philosophy as heresy. But I am truly glad I no longer have to come to that conclusion.

The above is just another entry in my Wall of my Facebook account. I do not know how to begin with. I always wanted to talk about why I am suddenly obsessed into philosophy. I always wanted to refute a friend of mine who said, based on what he heard; philosophy is deviant (in the religion). Should I begin with the last statement?

Let’s begin with, why did I choose to study philosophy? Well, I never knew I would be studying in depth about it until I took the elective module in my polytechnic as mentioned in one of my previous entries. But I already had the issues which were discussed in philosophy such as regarding the existence of oneself and what is the purpose of life. The module probably aided me more in aspect of critical thinking. Although theories were brought up, we did not explain in full details. I was only curious about them some time later.

I did not know how to start my journey back then. I only had a gist of it. Yet, everything in my world was still in a mess and I did not know where to start cleaning up. However as I studied philosophy, I began to appreciate some of the thinkers moreover I often thought of them as growing up since young and raised such questions which might not seem appreciated to those around them but probably to those of generations to come. Of course, that is not to say why I prefer them over religious scholars. The main issue here is; the questions they raised seem fundamental to everyone from all walks of life –it does not matter which religion or ideology you belong but they do play a part in considering how we should act or ought to live. At times you may be the ones who have these questions all by yourself. You sought an advice from a friend and got a reply which goes, “Don’t think too much about it.”

Well, the problem is; if we already have those questions in our mind, how could we not think too about them? Am I supposed to assume that my mind is playing tricks on me and I should live how I am supposed to live? The last words raise another question; how am I supposed to live? We may have different choices such as we should live according to our needs and desires or based on religious doctrines and so forth. So, who is exactly telling the truth?

For those of us who belong to certain religions and moreover you hold onto their teachings, some of you might probably have said, “We should believe what God tells us to do”.

Because I believe there’s God, I cannot be in disagreement to that. Logically, when someone has given you a help, isn’t it appropriate of you to thank him? And with God given us His blessings, isn’t it our part to be grateful by obeying what He tells us to do as a form of gratitude? Here you may want to raise a couple of questions such as, “Is God good (please define what good is)?” or “is it alright if I do not thank God and choose to live in any way I want?” and so forth. We can always come up with countless of questions but that is not the issue for now, though it is good that we ponder and contemplate about them so as to be certain with ourselves. If religions prohibited us from doing so, how then can we be sure of what we believe in?

Thus, I do not understand why anyone would mention that philosophy I deviant. And I hope you all are already asking, “What is philosophy?”

Based on my experience, anything could be part of philosophy. And somehow, the study of it is always traced back to the early Greeks who questioned nearly everything –this is what I found while reading a book called Introducing Philosophy book (yes, it is part of the Introducing series, which has Introducing Psychology, Introducing Aesthetics, Introducing Romanticism and so on). And during the time of Socrates, probably he was the philosopher who made ethics as an important study in philosophy. I did not have the book with me as I borrowed it from a library and thus, I would appreciate if any of you who are students of philosophy to correct what I said especially regarding Socrates. Yet again, philosophy is still a general study of issues such as truth, science, languages, metaphysics, epistemology and many others. Simply said, it is concerning everything under the sun –or probably anything in the universe. I cannot give an absolute definition what philosophy is but I hope I have done my part in explaining to you.

And some of you who are students of philosophy are already aware that some the theories suggested by philosophers throughout time can be contradicting when compared to each other. An example would be the case of Plato and Descartes who emphasised in reason over desires, e.g. I am thirsty and I come across a cup of drink which has been added with poison –if I value my life, it is logical that I do not drink it even though I am thirsty. However, other thinkers such as Hume mentioned reason is only a slave to desires, e.g. it is because sexual desire is part of us, and therefore it is logical that we fulfil our desires.

Thus, if one is saying that philosophy is deviant, those who are exposed to it already knows that we cannot believe entirely in it due to contradicting theories if anyone assumes that philosophy is like another ‘form of religion’. We could only rely on certain theories but not everything. Don’t you think we ought not to have contradictions in our lives so as to be certain in what we believe in? Digressing a little bit, I do not know what his intention was when he brought up that statement as shortly during the discussion, an old friend of mine joined us and because we hadn’t met quite a while, the subject of our conversation was changed.

Well, of course after sharing with another friend (not the same old friend mentioned earlier) regarding what the first friend said i.e. philosophy is deviant (or heresy, maybe), the statement “philosophy is deviant” is ambiguous. In what way is it deviant? Probably one aspect which I have mentioned above is contradictions. But could there be any other possible reasons? Possibly yes but I do not have the answer.

And knowing that I am bound to be prejudice and biased if I were to solely rely on religious beliefs, this is one reason why I choose to read more on philosophy (and that happens to be some time after my graduation). And religious ideologies are part of philosophy as well. As a matter of fact, every single action or thought is part of philosophy. We cannot run away from it because that is how philosophy in general has been said to have been described. The best possible description I could share, using Dictionary.com as my reference is; philosophy is the rational investigation of the truths and principles of being, knowledge, or conduct.

I detach myself from religion only for the sole purpose of searching for the truth, which is also another philosophical issue –how do we know what truth is? It is because I acknowledge there are other forms of beliefs in the world and I feel it is best if I were to study them.

In fact, I always question myself; assuming religion B is the truth i.e. as declared by God, then how does one who is not exposed to that religion can come to know about it if he is in religion A, or even born with no knowledge of any particular religion at all? Well, we may argue that God will give guidance to the poor soul. But the question is; how would he know? It is this sort of journey that he will to go through. In fact, it is a journey that we are all going through by coming to certain things on our own and not merely relying on all the information instilled within us since young. I can always rely on the statements of clerics and assume that they have more knowledge than I do –I won’t deny that. But is it not fair of me to walk through the path in doing my homework so as to come to my own conclusion if what these clerics claimed is true or otherwise?

And if people among my religion were to say; “Your faith isn’t strong enough –you shouldn’t study (about certain things, say, other religions)”, well such statements can be quite ambiguous at times. What does the term strong mean? In my understanding, it is not literally or physically strong in this context. Probably what the statement means; “You are not ready yet”.

But how ready are we? To say that we are ready because of the knowledge we accumulated over the years would sound inappropriate –it is saying that you have sufficient knowledge to study about another belief. Well, that may sound true as we need what we know based on our experiences to investigate another belief. But if one is curious is searching for the truth, how will he know if he is ready? Yet, at the same time such statements could have a very deep and profound meaning. I may discuss about it in the future or not at all.

Personally, it is not about how much one knows but rather how he is going to deal with the information he is about to receive upon stumbling into another belief different from his. Isn’t that then a form of test to our faiths and beliefs? And I urge all of you so as not to believe explicitly in the information given you no matter how much you trust the ones who deliver it. It is a reminder for you and me so that we can all do our homework first before jumping to a conclusion because of what others have said so.

P.S: I’m only doing my best to be whom I am or who I ought to be. Please supplicate so that I will be guided to straight and right path. O God, You hear my prayer. Grant me Your Guidance and Protection. I seek refuge in You from all the evil and malice which dwell within me and my surroundings. And I seek refuge in You from the accursed devil, Ameen.

CHAPTER 13: P_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _; Detachment

Welcome and enter

And good morning (it was morning when I typed this)


I was greatly annoyed when I caught ants in my cereals when I was about to have my breakfast earlier. Thanks to mum for placing the cereals onto a metal plate and heated it in the kitchen. Either the ants ran away or soon we would have barbecued bugs. Thankfully, it was the former and this time I kept the cereals in the refrigerator so that no bugs would enter unless they wanted to be frozen to death.

Excuse me –did I make any of you laugh? I hope so.

Well, I thought today’s breakfast was supposed to be another journey in my thoughts i.e. of me to reflect myself until to my horror I caught those six-legged tiny midgets as shared above. Probably it’s a gift from God for them and a test for us (since we, different species, had difficulty that morning –I had to get rid of the ants and they had to run away from the fire, if they hadn’t thought of it when they came to my food). Let’s get back to the present, shall we?

I felt different over the past few days. Somehow, the beast within me was hungry and wanted me to feed it by the thoughts of smooth flesh with masochistic actions (and all praise unto God that I did not –I still want to get rid of such habits). As if that wasn’t enough, I was incoherent in my thoughts –I could feel as though I was inclined to anger swiftly. I felt none of my prayers were done with a focus mind. Yet I tried my utmost best in doing so, at least in my supplications.

So I thought I was probably listening to music too much that my inner self got strayed from reality as the songs injected certain emotions within me. Somehow I felt even today that musical instruments cause some psychological problems that a person began to dwell into fantasies if he has no control or discipline over his emotions. Or probably, I was rushing into things because I had loads of tasks to be done moreover my schedule is not done yet.

And because of my obsession in philosophy, I was ready to gun down anyone who came up to me and said it was a false notion.

But I realise deep within me that debating or refuting one’s argument in an immediate response with no thoughts about the issue involved is as good as losing control of my own temper. You may say it is an instinctive behaviour of someone returning a blow in revenge to one who punched him without asking why the latter did so.

So, probably now is also a good time of me to ponder about most of my beliefs which are mostly derived from philosophy since the ants ruined my time a while ago.

After all the confusions about this world i.e. so many different ideologies and beliefs, I thought I understood why I used to defend my own faith so much. It was probably because I was brought up with it and thus, I couldn’t see anything wrong with it. Some of the Muslims may be ready to condemn what I’ve just said and what I am going to say. But I would appreciate if we could first sit down and discuss, pushing aside our prejudice and biasness and put yourselves in my shoes. And I will my best to put mine into yours. Even if I would, how could I do so? Please let me explain.

The religion has never taught me selfishness and egotism. But personally even based on my experience, I felt some of us were staunch, at least I did (and probably with no knowledge). So I thought the beliefs and faith I had all the while were the cause of my behaviour moreover quite some time after I watched the videos of the divine experiences by people.

But it is probably natural for people to be staunch in their beliefs especially when they are brought up to believe them. After all, life is meaningless without holding onto something, isn’t it? After such experiences, I began to realise there were things which I knew not of even today. And they are still waiting for me to find and learn about them.

Was I still closer to truth? I don’t think so.

I was confused –I did not know what to believe in. I reasoned with myself that the only reason why I prayed was because of my fear in the Hellfire –for that is what Muslims believe in. And so I prayed, probably half-wondering if I was doing the right thing especially if I were the one leading a congregational prayer during the days in my polytechnic. I wasn’t religious (and please define “religious”) but an ego testicle maniac as brother Nouman Ali Khan would put it in one of his lectures. Maybe now I feel quite a relief of not having a need to lead any prayer but perform it on my own. Why would you need an agnostic to be a leader when he is unsure of what he is doing?

So I decided to detach myself from religion, though I do still pray so as to remind myself there’s God –that’s the only absolute belief which I have (and because I am aware of His presence, I could only pray according to how I was brought up with because that is the only way I know; I don’t know anything). Besides that, I would regard the others of my beliefs as me having brought up with them. Why do you think I quoted what Isaiah Berlin said in one of my previous entries?

"I wish my life and decisions to depend on myself, not on external forces of whatever kind. I wish to be the instrument of my own, no of other men's, acts of will. I wish to be a subject, not an object; to be moved by reasons, by conscious purposes, which are my own, not by causes which affect me, as it were, from outside…”

I remember posting something on my Wall in Facebook account months ago;

I wish I was born without religion so as to be unbiased towards people's faiths and beliefs and hence find my way in true sincerity with deep pondering

I'm afraid of being in Plato's Cave

A friend asked if I did mean it. I replied;

Yup, I truly mean it. How I wish I can explain it to you how I feel all this while but the problem is; you'll have to think like someone who's without religion and how it's like to be in skepticism and quandary about finding the truth, something to believe in all aspects e.g. morality etc. It's because I'm kinda "inside the box", that's why at times I'm biased i.e. only looking from the perception of my own faith. It's kinda hard to convince, really.

I am as good as copying the whole entry on my Wall and paste it here. I wish I could so as to avoid any watering down or omit any parts. But I guess I need to seek permission of those who responded to what I wrote. In addition, there were some misunderstandings. Thus, it is best if I avoid it –putting someone in a bad spotlight is the last thing I would ever want to do, or not at all. But I hope you understand what I was trying to express.

CHAPTER 12: P_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _; Fundamental Questions

Welcome and enter


You know –it sounds as though like a show off of me if I were to start with praising God for all the blessings He has given me. In fact, I want to do that –and therefore; all praises unto God for all the love and mercy He has bestowed upon me; glory is unto His Holy Name. At the same time, I seek refuge in Him should my heart be inclined towards desires moreover in this case such as egotism and arrogance. I seek His protection from the accursed devil.

It is probably normal for Muslims to begin anything with a prayer to the Lord of the worlds. Yet at the same time, it is undeniable for those who have faith in God that we should be thankful to Him and seek His protection so that we are not blinded away from the truth; it does not matter even if you belong to other faiths. So long as you believe in God, I suppose you may want to give praises to Him for all the good and bad tidings.

The abovementioned of probably a short prayer is important because what I am about to share is with regards to my experience –and I hope you too pray for my well-being in this world and the next. Everyone wants to be good but we are at times blinded by things around us.

I am a student of philosophy. However, philosophy isn’t the cause to my curiosity about myself i.e. who I am, what is the purpose of my existence and all sorts of questions which have been raised throughout the history of mankind. I was only exposed to philosophy at the start of my second semester of my final year in Republic Polytechnic when I took a module named Reasoning through the Ages. The importance of that module, if I remember correctly, was/is to develop a critical thinking within ourselves. Still, I took this opportunity as part of my soul-searching.

However, it began a way long before that. It all started halfway in my first year of my secondary school, thanks to this anime called Digimon where in one season a villain felt a void in his heart and wondered why he was in the world. I know how childish and silly it seems to be influenced by a cartoon but we cannot deny that there are sublime messages within such platforms of plots.

Of course over the years, I took my religion as an answer to the simple question as what I am in this world or what is the purpose of my existence.

Reality struck me harder as I grew older. Sometimes, I refused to ponder more about this, using religion to convince myself. Moreover, some of these issues could even be taboo to be discussed within the perception of the religion itself. Of course, I do not say I am the only one, for there could be many others coming from all sorts of backgrounds and faiths. Thus, Islam isn’t the only religion. But yet again, it is not necessarily the religions to be at fault. Rather, this problem arises usually by the way how we are been brought up i.e. the people we mix with along with the social influence. Judging by what I have said, probably you could say I was sort of one of the prisoners in the allegory of Plato’s cave.

Yet I wouldn’t say that I have freed myself –I have yet to do so! It is like I am being chased by other released prisoners who probably find it difficult to be in my shoes, refuting me using theories. Surprisingly, I asked a friend of the same faith as me if he would persecute me should I apostate. I am not giving a bad light to my own faith because I do not understand it all by myself but what has been fed to me all these years.

I might probably have mentioned in one of my previous entries that I began to doubt about my faith when I stumbled upon some videos that claimed of people (supposedly from my own faith) having divine experiences such as visions.

Since then, my scepticism grew and needless to say, I became furious at times. But that is not what to be discussed. Besides, I believe I have already talked on that.

Gradually, I began not only to doubt my faith but nearly everything about myself. Like everything else, there are pros and cons to this experience of my life. The cons are as simple as having nearly nothing to hold onto because of doubts. Yet, the pros are as simple as the beginning to appreciate life and learning how it is like to face the world, to face the fact you do exist.

I stared at my hands and was awed with myself. I could stand with my legs. I could see. I could feel, just like everybody else.

I was curious.

I wanted meaning in my life and I still do. I cannot afford to live with an empty purpose of existence. Back then, I was not exposed to philosophy. In fact, I knew entirely nothing of it until I sat for the module Reasoning through the Ages. It is since then I began to understand fully that some of the questions we asked within ourselves had long been raised even centuries or millenniums ago. Read about Plato. Read about Socrates to the modern day philosophers such as Rene Descartes and Immanuel Kant. Although Sigmund Freud was a founding father of psychoanalysis, he was probably regarded as a philosopher (since I caught his name in a book regarding philosophy). It sounds crazy but the things discussed in philosophy are nearly regarding anything under the sun –and even the question of the universe can be a discussion.

You know –people curious about science probably seek knowledge regarding something small in something big e.g. cells in the body. Meanwhile, people curious about philosophy probably ask questions regarding something big in something small. What I am saying is; they could raise questions such as if we ever know anything. They could even be asking if what we perceive now as real –you’d understand better if you were to peep into Descartes’ Meditations. You’d probably be surprised. Thus as you can see, philosophy involves even simple questions in which we take for granted such as have been living all these years in relying only on our five senses without questioning if what we see, taste, touch, smell or hear is ever real. As Morpheus said in film The Matrix, if that is how we define what real is, then we are saying real is something interpreted by electric signals in our brain.

At first, it seems crazy to even ponder what is been said. But to some of us, it cannot help. To some of us, we ask ourselves; what is ethic? What is more, we do ask; what is knowledge? What is science? Does God exist? And the list goes on and on that we call them “fundamental questions” –but it cannot be helped if these questions are raised by sincere individuals. Are we supposed to brush these aside without then understanding what these people are going through?

If you choose to reject one’s scepticism or doubt, by all means please provide yourself a convincing answer after contemplation instead of putting it at the back of your mind.

CHAPTER 11: P_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ Drives Me Mad; To Begin With

A wishing of peace to all readers


Before I begin, I would like to express what I felt when I heard the news of the wife of MM Lee Kuan Yew moreover after reading an article about it. Because I do not wish digress from the main topic which I would to discuss, I will simply take what I have posted in my Facebook account under my “Wall”.

After all, politicians are humans. Like everybody else, they do shed tears. Probably for the first time, I can understand how painful and agonising it is for MM Lee Kuan Yew to lose a loving companion of 61 years.

Whoever we are, it's never easy to be ourselves. RIP, Mrs Lee.

Upon reading what MM Lee wrote about her wife, I feel deeply touched for all her sacrifices not only towards Singapore but in supporting her husband, just as a saying goes; behind every successful man is a woman. At the same time, I must admit how awe I am as MM Lee mentioned that he sat by her bedside each day the days she had been bedridden.

“She understands when I talk to her, which I do every night,” he said. “She keeps awake for me; I tell her about my day’s work, read her favourite poems.”

Even being a politician, at the end of the day we cannot deny whoever we are, it does not change the fact we are all humans, a flawed creations of God yet with a sense of love and compassion instilled within us.

“I told her, ‘I would try and keep you company for as long as I can,” before adding, “I’m not sure who’s going first, whether she or me.”

I have to admit that I yearn for a life companion as loyal as Mrs Lee and wish that I can be a good and caring husband MM Lee. This is true love; be there for each other at all times as no one in this world can ever live all by his own.

Sources: http://sg.yfittopostblog.com/2010/10/02/mrs-lee-kuan-yew-dies-aged-89/

“I wanted someone my equal, not someone who needed looking after,” the elder Lee later explained in his autobiography.



Pardon me for the digression which took more than half the page of my Word Document. Right, I just want to make things clear, hoping that I am not desiring for fame or praise, let alone a title. After what I will be sharing in my next few entries, it is not my wish or intention to be given names such as “philosopher” or whatever names, although I came across people doing that to me (but personally, my instinct told me such names were only a form of mockery –I knew what their perceptions were towards what I was reading during those times). In the Hereafter, I do not want to bear a responsibility for what people shall do to my works after my death. Let me live as Leonardo Da Vinci, not knowing he would be famous in time to come after his death yet possessed a great curiosity about the world while he lived.

So correct me of my flaw in knowledge.

Speaking of praises and titles given to men, I cannot help but add how swayed the mind of many men today who yearn for power and fame. By the way, I am not referring to any politician in particular here since I mentioned about MM Lee above. I am referring to all of us collectively –or rather those among us who have such selfish wants. May God protect me from all these. This is probably a form of corruption occurring in the world among the hearts of men.

For the very first time, I would like to give a pause to my entry for now and begin with the following words with hopes I utter them with utmost sincerity and honesty without any hopes of rewards;

In the Name of God
The Most Gracious, Most Merciful
And I seek refuge in Him from the accursed devil
And I seek refuge from all sorts of evil
That dwells within me and all around me

Ameen


I am about to share about what I probably “begin” in seeking to hold onto a belief. At the same time, should I be right as what God wants me to believe in, I hope to die having faith in it. I feel there is a need for us to reach the stage of self-actualisation as stated in Maslow’s Hierarchy.

This entry is a so-called introduction to my current set of beliefs or thought process.

Therefore as I am about to open the door of my mind for those of you who wish to enter, there are couple of things which I would like to say, firstly quoting from Descartes;

“I would advise none to read this work to read this work, unless such as are able and willing to meditate with me in earnest, to detach their minds from commerce with the senses, and likewise to deliver themselves from all prejudice.”

Source: Meditations, p. 122 (Meditation III) –see also A Beginner’s Guide to Descartes’ Meditations by Gareth Southwell, p. 11

I must add that I am probably in the shoes of Descartes when he mentioned;

“Everything I have accepted up to now as being absolutely true and assured, I have learned from or through my senses.” (See Meditations p. 96)

But like Descartes, I am not an empiricist but a rationalist. He did not probably even mean that the only way we receive our ideas is through our five senses. I would to add on that all this while, I have been relying on the definition of truth through my upbringing but have yet to take a step back and watch all what I believe in and validate them.

And being a rationalist does not mean trusting in science alone but rejects what cannot be proven empirically e.g. rejecting the notion of God simply because He cannot be seen and therefore cannot be proven. No, I do believe in God because of the connections in my thoughts to link to Him and thus conclude about His existence. Is it proper to use the word “metaphysics” in this case? By the way, being a rationalist enables me even to accept empiricism.

In any case, the next entry will not specifically about my thought process. Instead, it is with regards to philosophy in which I hope people do not regard it as though it is a form of theology. As a student of such subject, I will drop my comments regarding it especially in hopes of explaining why I feel it is advisable of us to learn before making judgements.

Before I end this entry, allow me to share something;

"I wish my life and decisions to depend on myself, not on external forces of whatever kind. I wish to be the instrument of my own, no of other men's, acts of will. I wish to be a subject, not an object; to be moved by reasons, by conscious purposes, which are my own, not by causes which affect me, as it were, from outside…”

By Isaiah Berlin (see Philosophy Goes to the Movies: An Introduction to Philosophy)