CHAPTER 3: The T_ _ _ _ _ _ Life; Influences

Peace and greetings


(Again, I do not feel like typing but the legacy must go on. It is so easy to let go of a task and roll over in bed, assuming everything will be fine. After all the agonies, I do not want to underestimate the chances of occurrence of events, be it high or lower the chances are)

I do not really want to discuss about the matter of stealing –sometimes I just feel a strong remorse lingering within me. For the very first time, I confess the crime which I did –I am not proud of it and I don’t want to do it again. I stole my brother’s money, only to buy a Gameboy to entertain myself with virtual Pokémon adventures. Probably I’d never revealed this to anyone. I even lied back then. Of course, my family knew about that incident. But I don’t think I’d ever plucked up some courage in revealing this sin. Needless to say, my brother was very furious when he counted his savings. It was meant for school and to think about this as I am typing about it agonises me further. I did this when I was a Primary five kid.

I just hope anyone could see how the stage of my state when I was ten-years old onwards had led me into doing these stuffs. I got what I initially wanted as a kid, beginning from Digimon devices –I got the money through the collections I “naturally earned” from visiting of houses during Eid-Fitri and even lied to people for money or claimants of belongings to get more of those. I was ten when I did all these –and these were what my parents did not know, saved probably for the fact I spent my collections on these worthless toys. Visits to the arcade had probably led me into desiring more entertainments for myself. I wasn’t really satisfied with games out pixels on the Gameboy screen but yearned for coloured and 3D graphics as I was introduced into the undesirable youths’ games. And yes, I was addicted to computer games as well back then. But because I was exposed by something of a better quality in arcades, my hunger for all these entertainments escalated that I began to lie to some of my classmates I’d this video game console called PlayStation. Who could deny how popular it was when it first came?

I was deprived of all these, as a matter of fact. Yet, I still entertained myself by visiting the game shop at the void deck and tried out some of their latest games including Mega Man X5, Final Fantasy IX, Capcom vs. SNK and some others.

I thank God I’ve never drowned myself in alcoholic drinks or drugged myself (except for Panadol whenever I’d fever –I always used that as a humour), not to mention having a cigarette to smoke –I never smoke, really.

But I was influenced by my peers into watching wrestling shows too. It was WWF –World Wrestling Federation for those of you who thought the abbreviation was related to the preservation of wild and near-extinction wildlife. I don’t know what these wrestling entertainments have become –WWE or whatever. They don’t matter to me anymore –all these are purely entertainments acted out by actors with portrayals of bad manners, judging by their usages of vulgarities and cheats in wrestling matches (you don’t find true wrestlers behaving such ways as seen in the screen –true wrestlers are like any other practitioners of martial arts). Well, my brother would stay late at night during weekends to watch. So I joined as well.

My friends had their pencil cases slashed, so was mine. They wrote names of the WWF wrestlers on their pencil cases, so I did the same –the only difference was; I’d names of Marvel vs. Capcom 2 characters while they had well-known WWF wrestlers such as The Rock, Triple H, and Chris Jericho and so on –you-name-it. Oh wait –they’d printouts of some of the images of these wrestlers at cover their files too, so did I. They’d worms as pets, and I had mine. They owned toy guns (famously known as King Cobra), I owned one. You may want to say I was like a sheep following its herd –wherever they go, I would follow. Stupid fellow… I don’t know if I should say this but these friends of mine were boys –hey, I’m not a female!

I wasn’t really popular among the girls either, probably due to one of my thoughtless jokes of the phrase “I love you”. Probably I was rebellious towards my parents back then, behaving like a spoilt brat but was a coward towards my teachers (my class teacher was fierce and stern, mind you). I did not even attempt to defend myself at the accusation of me being a molester. The same girl that I joked about “I love you” had her mother came to school and questioned me if I ever molested her daughter. I said yes, although I didn’t.

I was brave with my friends but fearful when came to defend myself. I hope I’ll still able to defend my rights upon enlisting into National Service.

Yes, for the LAST TIME, I DID NOT MOLEST ANYONE –NOT EVEN ONCE IN MY LIFE, EVEN NOW!

(And I’d a female classmate during that year –a talkative one – telling me that so-and-so girl from my class said I sort of held up her skirt and looked or peeping underneath. Fine –I’ll clarify this again; I’ve never done that in my entire life. Probably that’s a stepping stone to why I cannot control my anger whenever people accuse me of what I am not today)

Be realistic! I was a nerd, following others blindly! What did this bunch of morons think during those days? That I was some kind of a peeping tom? When this news reached my parents, my mum thought I touched someone’s… private part? Really, if the same girl who put me into this accusation ever told her kids or anybody else that I did these stuffs she’s not getting away with this in the hereafter. I could hardly forgive her –I want my name cleared entirely. I want to go to paradise.

Hmm… that was probably a stepping stone of me having a bad relationship with girls –I’d a hard time talking to them. Hence, confessing my feelings towards any particular girl that I’d affection with often ended up in a disaster to a point a girl probably thought so high of herself called me a stalker recently –or some time ago (someone older than me had probably never checked the dictionary when she used the word me in her blog).

I did not have anyone to talk to back then. Despite those friends whom I hanged around with in school, I still did not have anyone close to me.


Finally, Primary-School-Leaving-Examinations (PSLE) arrived and somehow, I was into studying. Looking forward into studying was half-and-half, although the interest was there. But at the same time, I made a deal with my elder sister that should I ever score an aggregate to enrol in the Normal Academic stream, she should buy me a video console PlayStation –I was always making deals with her because I was probably been pampered by her often when I was younger.

Normal Technical stream was probably seen as a bad route –already, in Primary schools during those days, we’d three streams; the EM1, EM2 and the less-capable EM3. The latter was always the minority. So, I thought Normal Technical stream was a bad one too because of people telling me this and that about it (but I turned out to be one of top Malay students for GCE ‘N’ Level Examinations 2005 in the nation, anyway –LOL).

I had a nightmare during post-PSLE. Examinations were long over and we were waiting for the results. I dreamt that I got into the Normal Technical stream. I sort of cried about it during my visit to the hospital as my father was hospitalised. If I remember correctly, it was during the fasting month. When I got the PSLE result, needless to say I got into that undesired stream. My hopes of getting the PlayStation went crashing before my very eyes.

While I began to repent when I was in Primary six shortly after the incident of September 11 2010 where the twin towers in America got hijacked by planes, began performing my five daily prayers lest the end-of-world and the Antichrist (Al-Masih Ad-Dajjal) would come, I somehow apostate the moment I got back my PSLE results. Probably I couldn’t really accept the fact that God abandoned me during that time (funny for a partying kid to lose faith easily simply over bad results).

Ignorance was bliss. Life became beautiful without and then with faith. That was how my life became for the next couple of years.

In any case, I feel like sharing that despite the peers I had even when I was in both Primary Five and Six, I was still lonely. Probably I did not have any important problems to discuss. And sometimes, my peers had this strange habit in alienating one of us from the group because of some mistakes or habit of that particular person. Whenever it was my turn, life was dark for me and I did not even share anything about it with my family. I mingled with some other students from other classes and yet, I wasn’t close to anyone.

Somehow, a line occurred in my head. It was given by my Primary Six form teacher; “attitude not aptitude determines altitude”.

Come to think about it, probably who I am right now is the by-product of all those events happened in the past.

But had the coming years been pleasant for me? Before I could answer that question, please go to sleep and await the next chapter.

CHAPTER 2: The T_ _ _ _ _ _ Life; Childhood

Peace and greetings

(Actually, I’m kind of lazy to type and wish I could listen to Sami Yusuf’s Mu’Allim but I need to keep my promise –better get started or I won’t feel like doing in time to come)

Somehow, this was what had been my mind hours before I began pouring in here i.e. Chapter 2.

It was probably towards the end of the first semester of my second year in Republic Polytechnic or after the end of it that I remember what I did before going for a birthday party of one of my facilitators of my tertiary. Whatever problem I had back then was totally complicated –and what if I were to add that it was escalated by my infatuation towards a classmate of mine, a Christian?

It was the moment that I started pondering over my life as a Muslim and doubts were then coming in that I could no longer hold anymore. Explanations over such scepticisms were the best medicines. During that day before I left my house for the birthday party, I was reading about arguments and debates about science in the view of Islam and Christianity (you are advised to stop reading if you’re beginning to feel uncomfortable). Both sides made good claims, explanations, rebuttals and refutations especially when the speaker/presenter representing the Muslims was Dr Zakir Naik. I mean –probably half the Muslim world knew this man.

Perhaps it was hard of me to determine who was truthful and factual, probably because of my strong desire in seeing the faith I held on dearly to triumph over the other. Because I was lacked of knowledge in science –moreover I was not a science but an art student during that time – I did not feel convinced at all. Not that there was some discrepancy in the debate. But even if there was, I could not recognise any as I nearly had no idea what these “scientists” were throwing at each other. It was like, “these science gigs know their stuffs –so, just leave the talks to them” –I wanted to use the case of “chicken and duck” to shed more understanding about how I felt but it probably did not fit in to what I said.

The duration of the evening prayer entered and probably as I was performing my prayer, I started feeling remorse about my childhood.

I was probably beginning to understand the importance of knowledge –to cover the doubts of a soul. And I truly regret to this day for not doing well during my Primary school days. I did not even realise or anticipate such remorse would come.

I began to cry within myself –why hadn’t I done so well back then? I felt as though I’d wasted my childhood, which I believe (now) I did. And I do not wish for another child to suffer the same pain as I do now. Parents, I truly hope that the day when you decided to have a child, you’d do your best in fulfilling your responsibilities as a parent. I do not say that my parents did not –they did. I was the notorious one. I even lied frequently when I was in my fourth year of Primary School.

I was easily influenced by the trends during my time. For those of you who were around my age, you could probably recall ten years ago when Digimon rampaged virtually and Pokémon running and scurrying around. Power Rangers were still kids’ favourites. Those were the days but I was not only exposed to that. I wanted to exaggerate in my description of events –I wish I could but firstly, doing that would mean I was telling a lie and secondly, although I regard it as a horrible moment of my life, some of you might consider it as not a big deal.

Okay. I went to the arcade at the age of ten –on my own. I first knew about it when I was only at the age of either seven or eight but never came back for some time as I was brought by my sister. That would have been the first and the last time I went to the arcade, if it was not of me being in the wrong company of friends.

I met this friend. I’d named him E. I don’t want to expose anyone. God and I know who exactly this fellow is and hence, the name only a letter E (having said all these, obviously I know his real name, duh). Oh –I felt as though I’d a companion. You know –I was probably one of the most stupid kids around since Primary One and perhaps I got bullied for my low grades. But I wasn’t the only “stupidest” kid around –in a nutshell, I wasn’t the only one who got bullied. Guess who were my bullies? We’d a kid from China and he was a couple of years older than any of us in the class despite being Primary One. I am not trying to discriminate anyone but he is from China. I’d to admit –he’s smart. And I got bullied, most of the time verbally. Did I get bullied physically? I couldn’t remember any of that, though I knew I did beat him when I was Primary Two once. Was it out of retaliation or been badly influenced by cartoon shows such as Power Rangers? God knows the truth –but it was true that I did hurt him physically. That kid was such a big brute. Oh, if I remember correctly, he’d cronies. I remember one of them had a name started with the letter D. Again, I did not want to expose anyone –he wore a thin pair of glasses and he was probably a clever kid too.

So, in short I got bullied sometimes for the first four years in my Primary School. I was ten and I knew E, who was from another Primary School. First, we spent time in the library –I was there on my own because I was probably fascinated by books (you know how colourful kids’ books are). Then I met that E guy and gradually, we started spending time not only in the library (by this time, we were already having series of Digimon battles through our respective devices –for those of you who do not know what Digimon devices are, I believe there’s such engine search called “Google”) but having fun in the playgrounds, especially the one at Sun Plaza Park, Tampines.

I wasn’t really into religion during that time despite I was brought up as a Muslim and having to attend for weekend classes. But E was probably a either a Buddhist or Taoist because during that time, we would act as characters from the story Journey to the West and I always played the monk’s role while E wanted a heroic one, mainly Sun Wukong. Did I actually forget to mention I was influenced by Chinese shows too? My siblings watched them and I started to follow as well, beginning with Singapore’s version of The Return of Condor Heroes with the Dragon Girl acted by Fann Wong. Then, somehow I began to be exposed to some of these shows such as the Eight Immortals and Journey to the West and surprisingly, I did know these shows had to do with religions, either Buddhism or Taoism because both had Buddha in them. Action-packed shows were sort of my favourites during that time.

Life was very childish back then. I had little regard for studies and examinations –I scrapped through the papers in the end and got what I wanted to achieve. Needless to say, I did pretty badly for the first few papers every year before coming to the end-of-year examinations, which I managed somehow. Probably because I took life for granted during that time, I still continued to dwell in my ignorance and by sometime during my fourth year in Primary School, E brought me to the arcade.

Life was paradise.

I was exposed to loads of games. E’s favourite was probably King of Fighters series whereas I would go for Marvel Superheroes vs. Street Fighter and then its successors Marvel vs. Capcom and Marvel vs. Capcom 2. We were thrilled by the players of the House of the Dead 2 and always imagined ourselves shooting zombies around wherever we went even in the shopping malls.

I learnt bad habits too such as lying to my parents with regards to my whereabouts. I’d give them excuses I went to the library and would always carry a Power Ranger bag wherever I went probably to give an impression to them I did go to the library. As if that wasn’t enough, I remember lying to my mum once that I requested for a dollar to purchase a keychain. Instead, I used it to by two tokens. After all, one token would cost fifty-cents back then. You could at most play two games or one game that would require two tokens but who cares when you’d all the fun yourself, right? I’d say that arcade was a kid’s pub?

Sadly enough, I learnt to steal from malls, again probably influenced by E and another two friends, F and T. Yes, I should add those were the early days which I started using and spewing vulgarities especially what the bidding farewell of a hen (it’s a vulgar word in Chinese language –I don’t want to state exactly what it sounds) and four letter word beginning with the letter “F”. Yes! It’s Fish! Yes, it’s Fish… What the Fish… if you get what I mean.

Those were the days…

But how did I end up regretting all these? I think I’ve poured my memories too much… too much for any of you to consume. Hey –go to sleep!

To be continued in Chapter 3.

GO TO SLEEP!!!!

CHAPTER 1: The T_ _ _ _ _ _ Life; The Company of Myself

Peace and greetings


I believe I have not given a proper introduction of myself other than what is stated in the content of About Me on the right of this page.

Full Name: Muhammad ‘Izuddin Sufian Sujai
Religion: Islam
Race: Malay (personally disputable)
Year of Birth: 1989
Occupation: A Diploma holder awaiting the enlistment of National Service
Ambition(s): Freelance designer, minister, someone genius as Leonardo Da Vinci, a novelist
Favourite quote(s): “I think, therefore I am”, “I am just stranger, just a wanderer”

Before I jump more into the details of myself, I feel an urge to share what exactly I am now striving to achieve within myself. I do not wish to talk about the details with regards what I believe in especially when comes to philosophical and theological issues –I may want to apologise in advance should any of you who stumbled upon this blog feel offended, I would like to apologise in advance. It is because this blog is a sharing platform for me to discuss what I’ve found and may find through time.

I may sound general when I said “…to discuss what I’ve found and may find through time…” but I need to emphasise that this involves of the studies and research I may have made in due time especially the study of Holy Scriptures such as the Quran, the Gospels or the Bible and others including the practices of people of other religions. But rest assured I will do my utmost best in presenting my thoughts with an utmost respect so as to seek opinions from any of you who may find certain of ideas of mine to as misunderstandings. Wait –I should have said all these things in my PRELUDE: BEGINS NIGHT.

Let’s get back to the main subject; what exactly I am now striving for currently. I hope to make things short and simple.

You may want to include that I desire wealth in the aspect of materialism, a healthy mind and body and probably and good family i.e. having a good wife and kids and everything. But that is not just it –in fact, I am not even ready for marriage and I don’t think any of you too are as well. It is not simply about being financially stable but spiritually and mentally as well. You and I can agree that hardships and obstacles are inevitable in life especially as you settle down to start a family but there are other issues that I feel should be considered as well.

I do not intend to digress from the main subject which I am sharing. As much as I wanted to say the abovementioned wants as wants, i.e. having materialistic wealth and health, they turn out to be needs. I need wealth to sustain family especially my parents, myself and the people around especially in feeding my soul by doing acts of charity so as to benefit my humanity –probably our humanity. Moreover, I do not want to be bound by the taxes and debts imposed by the government (and please do not get the wrong idea that I am against the authorities –no, I am not as I believe this happens not only in Singapore but other first-world nations such as America as well).

In any case, what I wish now is accumulating knowledge from all sorts of aspects such as theology, science, philosophy, religions, psychology and the list goes on and on.

I will share with you what briefly what I need for the soul and what I am practising;

As most of you should have known by now, we are in the fasting month of Ramadan where we, Muslims, of all over the globe are not only to abstain ourselves from food and drink from dawn to dusk but as well as our whims and desires. Needless to say, I am doing my best to fight and suppress the beast within me –and I can never describe precisely what it is for now out of personal reasons.

Yet at the same time, I want you to understand I have been through and hence learn from all the mistakes I made in life. It is so much easier to say everybody does make a mistake. I need to add my own words in it; it is depending how we appreciate that temporary remorse and learn from it so as to progress to achieve the best for our humanity.

I do have a bad anger management and for quite some time, I will be quiet most of the time. But because I am always harbouring so many problems within myself, brushing them off aside and ignoring them, thinking everything will be fine, I may vent my frustration upon others especially when they either begin to throw accusations or unreasonably raise their voices at me.

Probably this is something psychological that you and I should learn. Probably this is why this blog exist; for me to yearn for an understanding and at the same time, spreading to the world about myself as probably one of those who are psychologically disturbed. I won’t deny I am unsound –probably you are as well. Will you dare to confess that you do not speak to yourself whenever you’re alone?

Having said all these things above, I hope I have truly made clear as to what exactly I am trying to achieve in life. What is life without a purpose? Am I really deceiving myself by trying to create a meaning in life? How then I ought to live?

There is a reason why the title of this chapter has such an unknown word in between; A T_ _ _ _ _ _ Life. So, what’s the “T” word here? As a matter of fact, I would want to share about my childhood before beginning with a discussion about possibly philosophical issues or what I have come across now.

I apologise for the misleading title about this one in my previous entry. I said today would be about my Childhood but instead, turned out to be The Company of Myself.

PRELUDE: BEGINS NIGHT

Peace and greetings


I would probably want to start a new OFFICIAL post despite my previous entries, which I might be either clearing or posting them at a later date. As for now, I think I’ve finally decided what is to be done with this blog of mine; it is now turned into my own traveller’s diary.

Should I make a design to describe visually about myself? That’s not the issue for now.

Anyway, this virtual diary of mine will be a record of my journey in life which probably includes how the world and the people around has shaped me to become who I am today, be it good or bad, mentally liberal or neurotic ( and probably, psychologically disturbed).

I probably never think thoroughly if I should ever be doing this even as I intended to do so couple of days ago.

Just to share with you a little secret; this post was originally done at night and it was even put up. However because I disliked the way how I expressed myself and desperation in yearning for someone to understand me, I could not help but retype the entry with hopes of organising my words in maturity terms. Because the official entry was initially written at night, hence the title of the entry, PRELUDE: BEGINS NIGHT. I apologise if it sounds familiar –you might have probably heard it somewhere but please keep it to yourself if you do.

Let me begin with a horrendous fact which probably led me into blogging. It started with me having a heated argument with my mother a few weeks ago. Probably those who have me as your friend in Facebook account would probably know that.

At that point of my life, I felt deeply remorseful, not with what I had done by hurting someone whom is still dear to me. But I was truly remorseful of all the things that occurred to me in my life, so agonising where these experiences that I kept only to myself.

But I think everything should put be to an end, a good end.

That is why I’ve decided to write again, to write about my journey in life as I watched my pasts, never wanting to vent my frustrations on anyone any longer.

Yet at the same time, I truly hope to focus more towards philosophies and theological issues as I cannot help but admit that I am pretty much an agnostic these days, with the exception I do still believe in the existence of God and worship Him as how I was taught since young.

Let’s not get into the details, for I’ll save that for future entries of this Blog. Before I officially end this post, I hope you too would supplicate to God that I may receive His Guidance.

“I’ve been living as an ignorant all these years. I’ve been living to feed my desires all the while. But no matter how hard I tried to fight against the beast in me, I kept failing and stumbled. I climbed the mountain high, only to fall on my back and landed on its foot.

“I craned my neck to catch a glance of the mountain’s peak –it was beyond my sight. My desires had led me to go through once again the torture and agony of life to reach the mountain’s top. Where I’d once nearly reached the top, my desperation and impatience rendered me my downfall.

“As I write, I want to emphasise that I want to be sincere, calm, patient and determined to discover the truth about the world, about the universe, about nature and everything that is in all that is mentioned… all for the sake of understanding myself.”

Please enjoy.

Next entry will probably be named CHAPTER 1: The T------ Life; Childhood