CHAPTER 10: My Expression; In a Mess

Greetings and peace to all of you passing by here


Thank God it’s Friday –one of the days which I permit myself intakes of caffeine (once I drink a cup of either coffee or tea, I’m likely to continue have more cups for that day). By the way, I read some articles whereby caffeine reduces your immune system (although it does provide other health benefits) across the internet. So, it’s something to be investigated and researched upon.

Coffee + milo = mocha

This was what I got after the experiment a couple of minutes ago as I am typing this. I guess you’re bound to know how weird I am, turning complexity into simplicity.

Let’s get the purpose of today’s entry straight. Right, I’ve been wanting to share loads and loads of things and failure to do so probably result me in imagining conversations between me and people and sometimes either incur anger or a light chuckle upon myself, depending the person whom I imagine to have a dialogue with. These imaginations are terribly irritating that I can hardly concentrate in my prayers, often forgetting God in most parts of the day and subconsciously neglecting my responsibility upon those around me. Right, you’ll never people when they are alone in their room –in fact, you don’t even know who they are even if they’re your friends.

But today’s entry is not about imagination, so pardon me for the digression. Rather, it’s about the mess we live in today.

It was only a week ago that I dropped by the nearest Times bookstore from my home, hoping to purchase a copy of a book which I found in a library (but it costs $50). Strangely, I turned next to me shortly after arriving at the shelf where the book was placed.

And there was another shelf with some of the books about… the Mayan 2012 Prophecy.

I thought I’d brushed the notion that the world would be at end in the year 2012 or sort of that. But it was a return of an old wound within as I flipped those books. There were so many theories in what contributed to the “prophesised” change in the abovementioned year. I’d probably brushed them aside if they had got to do with religious ideologies (and somehow, I came across somewhere that today Mayans do not know anything about the 2012 thingy predicted by their ancestors –yet what I said may be debatable; so please shed me some light, readers).

But as some of these theories involved scientific explanations, I couldn’t help but admitting myself how little the knowledge I had –and have. Praise to God that I am writing all these down so as to remind me that I –I mean, we – don’t have much time in this world as death does not come knocking on the door; it may come whenever God wants it to appear before you and me.

And I hope it’d remind you (and myself) too to use every second of your life wisely –I’m avoiding the word “spend” as it sounds like a parallel word of “waste” (and I’m referring to the verbs, not nouns or adjectives).

If it was the past, I’d have been psychologically disturbed by such theories of people. But today, I’d probably decided to do my utmost best in life. Yet, even those words are subjective as youths probably use them as a reason to accumulate as much happiness as possible. But I wouldn’t put it that way because I always believe there’s a purpose of existence; whoever and wherever you are, you do have a purpose of life. Think logically, do you want your life to be laid to waste? Am I really supposed to think we live as though we’re living eternally whenever we are in the moments of enjoyment without a thought of death? I won’t deny that sometimes we forget how limited our age because sometimes I do and it’s just about a matter of being conscious of who we are (I don’t want to say how difficult to be conscious of ourselves because that may just discourage me, which I don’t wish to instil that upon any of you).

And I am not addressing to anyone specifically. The message is for everyone who passes by here including me.

Talk is cheap; I can see that especially if we’re down with illness or have our wealth taken away. That is when the true obstacle of life comes in; it is then the time to watch if our beliefs are practical than mere talks. This is what philosophy is truly about –not mere debates or criticisms to prove one’s intellectuality.

As for now, I will do my best to live. Because I realise I do have a purpose in life, I need to fulfil it before I leave this world. My cousin Fadhil made a good point the last time we met for workout –it’s sad to die without achieving our goals. I truly want to lead a meaningful life in which I define it as having a good relationship with people especially those around me, not forgetting my personal relationship with my Lord. Because I believe there is God, it is then undeniable that there are ethics to be followed. There is then morality and humanity.

It is because if we – humans coming from different backgrounds, cultures and norms and so on – were to decide our own set of rules and laws, probably all of us could imagine what if everyone has different perception from each other moreover if we all have the power to exercise those rules. Imagine one society perceives cannibalism as immoral whereas and another perceives it as way of life. God knows what will happen if these societies were at each other’s throat.

Because there is God, there could only be the same message for everyone. And probably we cannot deny that what we think is good (if we are slaves to our desires) for us may not necessarily be beneficial to us –even so, the term good is subjective. Yet, we too cannot deny what we think is bad (if we have an instinct in disagreeing with God’s commandments) may not necessarily be less beneficial to us. In fact, because it comes from God everything has a reason for its own actions and thus, hopefully be something helpful to ourselves so long as we obey Him.

Somehow, I feel it is easier said than done; an action speaks louder than words. That is why I said; talk is cheap. Moreover, I believe some of you are already wondering what exactly we are supposed to believe in since there are too many religions, philosophical theories and beliefs out there. Well, I am not in the position to tell you what’s right and ought to be –it’s because I am finding it myself. The notion of death and what lies beyond it bugs me a lot.

But what I can share with you is; because there are loads of faiths and beliefs, there’s no doubt some of these contradict with each other. Certainly, how can you believe in one belief that encourages you to do some acts and another which discourages those same acts? It is like you believe in monotheism and polytheism; you said there is only one god and yet at the same time, you believe there are many gods; so if you said there is one supreme god with many lesser gods under him… that sounds like polytheism to me. Yet, if you believe in monotheism at the same time, what are you exactly talking or having faith about, owing the fact god tells you to worship only him and not enjoin partners with him? Monotheistic religions exist –you need to know that. They are right before our very eyes –Judaism, Christianity and Islam (and probably some other faiths such as Baha’i faith and others that I do not know of). Those of you who are exposed to such religions will understand how wrathful God, as described in their holy scriptures, would be should we call some other things as gods.

You may correct me if I’m wrong. I hope I do shed some light with the given example. My point is not about what you should believe in especially the contrast between monotheism and polytheism. Rather, I am hoping that we do not own any contradiction in our lives or otherwise we may end up believing in anything. And I don’t think we should cease searching for what we ought to believe. I am brought up with Islam. But as a human, I should take a step back and watch what I believe in so as to validate whether what I have believed all along is truth. Once again, the definition of truth is subjective, depending exactly what aspect we’re talking about here. I don’t want to go into detail about that because I guess this entry is nearly lengthy as the ones before.

See how messed-up the world is? At the end of the day, I guess we are down with two choices; first, to neglect all sorts of doubts as though they never exist and believe whatever we want to believe; second, to reflect and ponder over our beliefs and doubts that we have and strive to find an answer.

Well, if I am as assured with what I believe as how Morpheus is in the film The Matrix, I’d probably be glad to say; “This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill – the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill – you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes.”

Unfortunately, I am still learning and moreover, the beast residing within me is yet to be fully constrained and chained. Until then, I am not the right person to give advice but suggestions. Yet again, talk is cheap –doing the talk is expensive.

CHAPTER 9: My E_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _; The Quandary

Hey, Peace to you all


(I don’t think this entry has got to do anything with the main topic of E _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ –so sorry for the digression if it doesn’t match with the title of the main topic)

First and foremost, I must express how grateful I am to receive a comment from a friend in my previous entry. At the very least, I will begin to realise that someone acknowledges the purpose of my blog. In addition, I would also like to express my gratitude to firstly, my parents, my brother and friends for the wishes of happy birthday. I’d enjoy my own humour with “21st Birthday in the 21st Century”.

In any case, I’ll proceed with today’s entry as I’m left with 56 minutes of the first day of being 21 of age as I’m typing this. Besides, I need a rest due to another trip to the gym with my cousin Fadhil tomorrow. Moreover, I’m down with a mild headache. I hope it isn’t a sign of another attack of HFMD (please, God! I don’t wish for those torturous days again).

So, I think I’ll concede to the world that I’d once commented on something on a particular YouTube video. Alright –it’s about one of the episodes in The Deen Show where how a less-practicing Muslim became convinced with the religion of Islam. And by the way, I’m not here to promote any religion. This blog is like a diary; a sharing of my own experience to the world as how Descartes asked for readers to lay aside biasness and prejudices and put themselves in his shoes to understand his conviction of reality (and probably truth) in his book Meditations. It is because in the very first place, I mentioned should any of you feel offended, you may stop reading and leave my blog –yes, you are more than welcome to correct me on anything (and I need to know if I do need a tag-board for readers without Google account to drop their comments).

Returning to the issue, I posted a comment which goes, “Masya’Allah… The brother’s struggle is as similar as how I am facing now…”

That was three months ago. The title of the episode is Omar Challenges Islam. I may add the video for any of you to watch at the end of this post. If you cannot wait, then here’s the link; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J6e0yLHrXTY.

So, a brother sent me a personal email to my YouTube account, offering me help i.e. to fix my dilemma and quandaries. Of course upon learning he was a former Christian who is now a Muslim, I gladly shared the doubts I had (and I do still have these doubts today). As a matter of fact, I am inclined to hear the stories of the conversions of others from one religion to another, not necessarily to Islam alone –and once in a while, I would like to understand why some Muslims leave the religion for another faith, say, Christianity or others. I am keen to understand how they come to a conclusion of certain things being the truth from God.

But I won’t be happy if you leave for the sake of your friends or due to what you hear from the media instead of doing your homework and thorough research. Once in a while, I hope I don’t have to explain why, hoping you readers would think for yourself. What do you have to do if you’re truly seeking the truth? Search for it, isn’t it?

Coming back to the brother whom I befriended with through YouTube, we did exchange emails, sharing about how we lived in the different parts of the world –if I remember correctly, he was from UK. It is amazing to once in a while communicate with someone from another part of the world –I even wish once I’m studying overseas, doing my best to adapt to a different environment. Well, in the end, I shared a probably lengthy email with the brother. Here is goes –by the way, should I make any changes to the original email, it is only in the aspect of grammar;


Waalaikumusalam wr wb

Thank you, brother. I'm truly grateful for your concern. At the same time, I'm terribly sorry for such a late reply. Well, I'm a Singaporean, probably from the smallest country in the globe with only a dot on the map. It's a multi-racial harmony nation and based on my experience of living there, we're quite sensitive with regards of religious issues to a point one is not allowed to criticise another person's faith due to respect (this can be seen as both good and bad way). There was a case whereby a pastor criticised about the practices of Taoism and this issue became hoo-ha and even publicised due to the lack of respect given by the speaker. Of course, the pastor did apologise but judging from the incident, I hope I'm shedding some lights how religious issues can be very sensitive here.

In any case, I'm sorry to have strayed away from our discussion. If you wouldn't mind, I'll explain to you from the start i.e. how my doubts came about. As you mentioned, some people lost faith in God mainly out of emotional reasons. At times, I faced that too and I'm still facing that. However, that wouldn't have become a big issue if there's nothing in between the period of me being a believing Muslim to a sceptical one. In fact, I'm not pretty sure if I'm still a Muslim –I merely say I'm a Muslim because I do still have some fear in God seeded in me since young along with my upbringing, Really, I do still perform my prayers and fast.

From another Muslim's perspective, that would be a good thing i.e. not straying from the religion. But on the contrary, I felt I was like one of the prisoners of Plato's Cave, which I hope you've heard of it before. I had so much fear about studying about other people's religion from their point of view out of so much fear that I could only afford to learn about it in the Islamic perspective.

It all started when a particular religion –and sadly, a monotheistic one – propagated about miracles etc. That was more than enough to shake my beliefs. People claiming to see this and that and I started searching for an argument which refuted most of these claims but could hardly find any, though I did including making my own thoughts simply because some of these propaganda were not convincing enough. I was frustrated that I started losing patience at certain point of time.

Life was all beautiful prior to that turning point of my life. But it was only because I relied on only what I was taught and attended. I never considered learning other faiths from their perspectives. So, I was only viewing them through the windows of my "box". As I said before, life was beautiful back then, able to pursue for my dreams and ambitions because I had certainty.

But I could hardly be ambitious these days. Quoting from the lecturer Nouman Ali Khan during one of the episodes of The Deen Show, before we could talk about wealth or what kind of house or car we want, we've to solve the issue of survival. Truth is the safest platform to stand on; I believe with truth along with true and full conviction, I need not fear even the most tyrannical person on the surface of the earth because I know that God is with me.

Of course, having a "beautiful" life back then was not exactly a perfect one for me either. I was ignorant especially when in the times of argument. I'm not exactly sure if you've confronted some of these Muslims who debated out of egotism, using their knowledge as a weapon to bring others down rather than being humble to ourselves. I was that kind of person. Moreover I'd probably become worse due to learning only from the perspective of my own faith.

I've come across various videos, debates and lectures by certain scholars such as one of the most respected scholars Sheikh Ahmad Deedat, Dr Zakir Naik and many more including reading articles and books written by certain Muslim(s) who were once people of other religions, particularly Dr Jerald F. Dirks. It's not out my intention to criticise them or any of these scholars. Rather, I truly appreciate their efforts.

However, I cannot believe their words as an absolute truth. No, I do not find criticism in anyone and I do not wish to find fault as that would only lead to frustration. I mean –scholars are humans too and whatever background they're from, they may have made unintentional mistakes or even worst, own biasness. Once again, I hope you understand that I'm not criticising any of the abovementioned scholars as anyone could possibly make these mistakes regardless of their backgrounds, be it Muslims, Christians or any other faiths.

"Seeing is as though believing" is probably one of a well-known quote and I believe it –but to a certain extent. Arguments could at times be objective i.e. a lecturer might have prejudice and attempted to obscure the truth by steering us into believing his or her perceptions and ideologies. Due to that, I personally would rather take the path in studying different theories on my own while relying on the arguments brought up by scholars –any scholars from all over the world and all faiths – as opinions are meant to be revisited and studied with an unbiased mind. Again, I'm not criticising anyone or his work pertaining to this matter. But at the same time, I must admit that I could no longer continue the habit of swallowing others' words and then making assumptions that I'm on the right path. What if what we're given is exactly what we want to hear? Why Islam? Why not Christianity... or other religions? Why do I feel so hurtful about how other faiths describing theirs as the truth, the light and the way of life? My agony isn't based on any misconceptions that others might have brought up about the religion I am born into. In fact, I believe all religions teach us good conducts.

So, what kinds of discomforts were I having back then when I first watched preachers of other faiths speaking confidently out of conviction? Were they aware of the information brought up by scholars of other faiths about theirs? How did they react to it? Obviously there were refutations about this and that, here and there... But how convincing could these arguments be?

Life was a total messed-up for me and even now. But thank God it isn't as worst as those days. Maybe we could argue with others with the available resources and information. Unfortunately, I personally think if people were to resort to taking others' opinions or arguments and use them as tools, then it'd be good if I were to raise this question; what exactly are we arguing about? Why are we protecting our beliefs through the knowledge of others as weapons? How sure are we as we argue? How sure are we?

More importantly, how can we rely on them when we've never studied as much as these scholars? There are other factors to be considered such as, have we known truth? Have we read exactly what's written on the side of the other faiths i.e. reading the Bible or Torah? We keep relying on Sheikh Ahmad Deedat's arguments and keep reusing them over again and again but how far can we go since most of us have never even touch the Bible? Is it safe then for me to say we're only viewing the beliefs of others "inside" the box we're in without revisiting and examining ours to confirm if these are the truth i.e. what and how we ought to be etc.?

Having saying that, I must admit how much I admire people of other faiths who converted to another religion after doing their homework out of sincerity –and as I don't want to be biased, I've to find out too why people switch beliefs and what exactly is the journey they been through to come to a conclusion that this or that is the truth. Whether a Christian comes to Islam or vice versa, I feel it's worth learning from their stories in what religious journey they've been through.

It's because at the end of the day, I want to be sincere to myself. Undeniably, I'm a human and as one, it's not surprising of me to question about the purpose of my existence. I'm deeply hurt with the emptiness and anxiety residing in me. Maybe back then I couldn't find a reason behind these discomforts but maybe now I have. It's a sensation whereby I've seen this but I've not seen that and I'm forced to live by what I know and ignore what I don't. Strangely enough, I brushed those feelings aside as though they aren't worth pondering about. But isn't that a sign of ignorant as well?

I hope I've explained to you regarding my problem. I'm truly sorry if it's too long but I really don't have anyone to share. Really, if I were to talk about this to most of my Muslim friends, because we live in the same country (and hence, having a gist how similar are their lives and mine), I think they're not able to understand. Even if they could point out whereby some scientists have proven there are miracles in the Quran which are proven scientifically, am I supposed to believe them explicitly? Or should I study more? After all, this is not the only religion that's preaching the truth. It goes back to what I've mentioned above –about us using the same arguments but not revisiting them on our own.

Every faith on the surface of the earth would want to propagate their beliefs. I can't possibly talk to non-Muslims either because it's uncomfortable when you're searching for the truth yet at the same time someone's not only explaining to you about his faith (e.g. the foundation of his beliefs and various practices) but as well as hoping you'd be converted to the religion he's preaching.

I hope I'm sincere in this journey and not have strayed too far. I fear about the loss of my humanity and somehow, I feel that whatever Plato said about reason, passion and desires are all real. Even if they cannot be empirically proven, I believe we feel these entities in ourselves. Yet at the same time, we know too the consequences should we fail to attain self-control.


Yours Sincerely
'Izuddin


I think I’m done for now. Pardon me for such a lengthy entry. It seems every entry starts to get longer and longer –I’ll do my best to shorten the next ones. And yes, it is five minutes before the first day of me being 21 is over –but I don’t know what time will it be after I put this up.

Once again, I’m done for now.

And oh -before I forgot;

CHAPTER 8: My E_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _; A Confession & I'm Sorry :(

Hey, all


I thought it might something to try –a new way of greeting. But obviously, I prefer greeting you all with ‘Peace’. Well, I thought of trying that out because the previous greetings have always been a template. I prefer typing the greeting out myself in hopes that I’d be sincere and mean what the word supposed to mean.

I think I’m spared with 45 minutes before I need to go to bed especially I plan of doing some workout with my cousin Fadhil tomorrow morning. I’d in mind about expressing my doubts a couple of days back after my visit to a bookstore. But I believe I’ve missed out some things in sharing about my past.

And I was reminded when a friend who told me some of his friends were not happy with something which went “somewhere along that line” during Saturday’s outing in celebrating the Eid-Fitri festival with some friends.

It all started with me asking another friend if his parents had religious background. I did not intend to insult anyone with the question but he seemed to be practically religious to me. Probably I was misunderstood by asking that kind of question because it seemed rather vague. There isn’t any range or rank in piousness –so, that’s probably why the first friend said some of his friends were not happy due to “somewhere along that line”.

Because we were friends since our days in polytechnic, I assumed exactly who were the people after mixing around with people.

I want to make things short. So, I think I first begin with an apology.

I was inclined towards religious knowledge. I used to think my faith was the absolute truth and nothing could surpass Islam. I am truly sorry to disappoint any of you should I say that I no longer have such certainty. And I know that fingers have pointed at me with words spewed out of mouths about me.

To such people, for I believe they have been those whom I know for years, I need to tell you I am completely different from whom the Izuddin whom you know. I no longer belong to my old self. I was probably a childish and immature maniac. It was probably due to my inclination of religious ideologies that separated us especially in my opinions about Tariqah, being on a side which disagreed with its practices.

I no longer have the same comments as I used to have but doubts. Safe to say, that isn’t the only issue.

In terms of personality and characteristic, I am different now, though I have nothing to prove. Back during the days in my polytechnic, I was so religiously inclined that I started to be influenced by a friend who came from a Tabligh group. From then, having the zeal to preach, I was responsible for holding students up after prayers in the praying room of the campus and read to them passages or stories of the companions of Prophet Muhammad from some book which I heard to be questionable of its authenticity.

I never criticised anyone for their faiths and I regarded anyone inferior in faith. That would not make any sense to do such a thing having understood that the religion preached about humility and modesty etc.

So I don’t really understand what exactly I have done which incurred people’s displeasure upon me. I did not call anyone by names. So much as I believed the world was in a terrible state (and I do still believe), I never and ever regarded anyone inferior.

I remember a friend whom I later learnt that she was my distant relative approached me via MSN and requested me to take over her position in taking a good care of the prayer room as she would soon be graduating. Initially, I felt it was a heavy responsibility. But after she explained how it was to be done, which was only keeping an eye of things (if I remember correctly) such as cleanliness and items not to be taken out of place et cetera, I reluctantly accepted the request (it is because originally, the existence of the prayer room was proposed by some group in the school and I was part of it –probably that was why that friend asked me that favour?). At the same time, I added a bit of task for myself by correcting any discrepancies around. I do not say I did all these things because I am proud of doing so. What is it to be proud of when although you did such things yet now you have become a sceptical person?

So, the question remains; what exactly have I done that made people so much displeased about me?

Alright, if they were unhappy because I had a different opinion towards certain practices or religious sects or groups, I am willing to apologise for that. At the bottom of my heart, I am truly sorry because those were the days of my ignorance. I used to debate with a classmate and ended up insulting him and to this day, I am not proud of what I have done. See exactly what an inclination and been influenced to certain things have led me into. I need to honest that I’d even spewed things at a cousin of mine via MSN years ago.

And I am not proud of those things.

There is nothing what I said that could ever and ever make people think differently of me now especially after all those mistakes of mine in any aspect, be it from “love” issue to religious ones or even simply because of different opinions –or as simple as my manners towards others.

I used to think such and such things were heretic. Probably some of these people who found out I was in disagreement with them were displeased with what I said. Nevertheless, is there a need to badmouth about me? I have met people who agree that the world is in such a big mess due to declination in morality or corruption among the society etc. Some of these people even believe that the world is moving towards materialistic success that they forget about satisfying oneself in terms of spirituality. I believed that too –and I still do. But none of these ever mentioned a specific person in mind whom they knew were practicing such wrongdoings.

So, do I really see a reason why fingers should be pointing at me and things are spewed about me? Do I really have to catch a glance of a friend who had his finger pointing at me as he is talking to another friend in a mosque? Have we not forgotten we too were once those who were ignorant? And now when we had knowledge, we spewed about things and breaking of ties?

I am sorry –not because it is a lip service. But it is because I truly mean it. I learn my lesson through the hard way. God sent me a decent Christian girl and I got infatuated over her to this day and thus the born of doubts –but those doubts were easily dealt with until the media got hold of me with stories about Muslims having dreams and visions of Jesus Christ as Lord.

Life was extremely agonising, hurtful, contradicting and conflicting during those moments onwards. It was the end of my first semester of my second year in polytechnic and the month of Ramadan was around the corner. Just as I was hoping to devote myself in more time towards spirituality and then those incredible tales occurred?

I am truly sorry to any Christian readers but other than sharing what got me into scepticism, I was hoping if any of you could validate and authenticate those stories. I have watched debates between my faith and other religions and so as refutations about any misconception of my religion. But I do not see any sense for such stories to appear in the internet. Yes, I appreciate the effort put by my friend in discrediting these stories (and they happened to be named as “More than Dreams”) but I wish I can hear from the crews of the productions behind such stories or dramas that everything is all a fabrication –a propaganda.

I am not saying this because I choose not to believe. I am saying this because I want to make sense of things. So, if everyone ought to believe others who claimed to have a divine experience to be true, then what is the point of having research in the field of theology? Where gone the rationality of things should we believe in people who claimed such and such while research may have proven such beliefs to be questionable in some other aspects, say the credibility of a holy book or scientific discrepancies?

No, I am not pointing out any religion –neither Christianity nor Islam. I have given my word to a teacher who is a Catholic that I will respect his religion –and so I will keep that promise. Moreover, I do still have affection to the abovementioned Christian girl. I am now respecting the beliefs of others not out of friendship but compassion as a human being.

I learn my lesson in being respectful and having a sense of open-mindedness. I was so angry whenever I was inflicted by doubts during those days. But all praise to God that He has given my Guidance what I should do now, which is to seek knowledge.

I am truly sorry to have digressed so much. Being selfish in accepting and studying others’ opinions is probably the reason why some you are still displeased with me to this very day. I understand how much anger you have that probably you start to think of people in certain ways. I do as well. And for that reason, I’ve learnt to appreciate the worth each one of us has a human being and never to criticise the beliefs of others without knowledge. Let me be frank with you all; I learnt through what I heard and inquired through people whom I respected for their knowledge such as religious teachers or clerics. And that explains why I perceived things in such a biased way –it is because I never did any research but trusted the words of people whom I respected to be wise. But knowledge itself, like power, can be abused.

So if you ask me how I seek knowledge, I’ll probably share with you 101 reasons but trusting the words of people isn’t really an absolute truth to me now. For that matter, not all books too are absolutely right or factual in any aspect i.e. historically or scientifically etc. I am a rationalist –and I believe you all too come to a conclusion for something to be true by your own means of rationality.

If being egoistic and not open-minded is the reason why you are displeased with me, I want to apologise for my past deeds. If you think I did not do my job as a “caretaker” of the prayer room, my only defence is; I did all I could. You must realise that I was a student and being one, I did not have any authority at all, though entrusted with such a heavy responsibility. Let bygones be bygones. If you are displeased over my ignorance, I will not deny but admit my mistakes and immaturity. And once again, I will apologise to you all. I am truly sorry. That is the purpose of me having this blog; to share my experiences so that others can benefit from my mistakes. I used to be angry some friends when I had suspicion they were mocking behind my back. These were assumptions. I’ve gotten well with them again. I am sorry for such things and I will do my best to restrain myself from such habitual misdeeds.

I am seeking the absolute truth which God wants us to believe, just like all of you. Therefore, you have the rights upon me in which I am ought to apologise for my shortcomings. All good things emanate from God while the bad ones are mine and mine alone. Let’s just forget about the past and move on with things.

If you still do not trust my words, then let us make a deal.

I will beseech you (and you too, N_ _ _) to clear my name. In exchange, I will do my utmost best to defend God’s commands. How I am going to do so is not the question; what matters is what are His commandments, laws and the signs He has bestowed upon. In a nutshell, it is the matter of which beliefs to be relied, which religion to be believed and regarded as truth. I will do my best to argue constructively and never to resort to insults.

I am not baptised to be a new person. But I choose to be one the moment when I decided to step out of my comfort zone and watch world with my senses. The allegory of Plato’s cave has given me the words to describe that.


And yes, it’s nearly early morning –nearly 2am (or probably more by the time I posted this).

CHAPTER 7: My E_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _; Recovering from HFMD

Peace and greetings


It’s pretty funny that as I am typing this blog entry, the background is white but you readers read this blog, you’re reading the words with a background colour of the blog. Due to this, I am just afraid I may get bored over being a blogger –or even a writer or novelist since readers get the privilege to glance at the design of a book cover.

Nah, I’m not complaining. It’s just that I find it pretty amusing, not sarcasm.

In any case, let me start officially about today’s entry. Well, initially I thought of typing about gratitude, something which I owe everyone especially my parents, my brother who asked about my well-being, my friends who wished me well through SMS service and most important Person in my life, God.

I don’t want to make this like a grand ceremony because the struggles I had over the past few days when I was down with Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease were nearly beyond all that I could bear to endure. The most important Person in my life happened to be the one whom I verbally abused during those nights. I do still feel guilty and remorseful for that especially after He had healed me, probably through my dad when he asked me to wash my hands and feet into a basin full of Dettol liquid soap.

Well, I didn’t really want to blog about that especially with the mention of God because my relationship with Him is deeply personal, just like everyone else. So, I feel it isn’t proper to express one’s gratitude to in a platform where everyone can read especially when the Person whom you’re referring is Him. Having said that, I was reminded the tearful confession of the televangelist Jimmy Swaggart who cried before the masses in the year 1988 for committing “some sin”. Alright, let’s cut that out. I just find it quite reminiscing, that’s all. After all, I have to keep my word in respecting everyone from all various backgrounds including religions, have I not?

In any case, let’s get going.

I am not pretty sure myself either. For some reason, I need a space to pour out my feelings. Yet at the same time, the space which I am blessed with can be seen by thousand eyes. It is like on one hand, I need somewhere to pour everything out yet at the same time, I ought to be careful. It is possibly because if I choose to pour things out here, I will never dare to solve things especially any interpersonal problems in the real world. You know –it’s so much easier to apologise to someone in here than approaching him or her directly. To be honest, I’d prefer practising the latter. But if I were to resort to this kind of approach where I will only rely on my blog as a medium to get my emotions out, things will never be solved. I don’t wish to go that extreme. Really, my mother and I were in tears as I apologised to her for that heated argument.

I am proud of myself for stepping out of my room to confront her, making an apology.

But I do not say I am proud of what I did. I am still remorseful and guilty of doing that to a point my father said the HFMD was a punishment upon me for such insolence. See the difference between confronting someone and apologise to her in a real world and expressing in a blog about how remorseful you are? Virtual reality is lacked of so many elements. Those faces of expressions –they called it emoticons – may not even be what the person behind the screen is expressing. It could be a plain sarcasm. It’s pretty different when you cracked a joke in a real world and a virtual world. In the former, people you could observe you tone, expression of emotions on your face and even your body language. At the same time, you being an entertainer could observe the reactions of your audiences especially how hard they laugh or please with your –I am truly sorry to use the word – nonsenses. However do you see that in, say, a conversation in MSN? Your recipient could reply to you with “Ha! Ha! Ha!” but you might never know if s/he could only be sarcastic or even laughing in a form of text just to please or acknowledge whatever you said.

It is easy said than done. Confronting people is never easy especially if it isn’t your habit. If people were to ask whether I am an introvert or an extrovert, my only answer is; I am only doing my best to be true to my feelings. If I feel I’ve wronged you, then I’m truly sorry. I don’t mean it. It’s just that I don’t know how to say. No matter how much I want to shed tears before everyone, I believe it’s my egotism that makes me fight to hold back my tears. Probably that’s what happened to some of you who happened to watch a very touching drama or advertisement in the living room with your parents –it’s so funny that you’re touched by such plots yet you don’t want to cry without being seen by your parents.

Getting back to the topic, I will just shrug and say… I don’t know.

I owe my parents a big time for taking a good care of me when I was sick especially waking me up at night and gave me medicines to swallow. I wanted to thank them. I felt even the urge to do so. Come to think about it, there’s no use if I utter such things.

Thanking someone isn’t a lip service, so as apologising to another person by saying sorry. Whenever I wanted to thank my parents, I felt that I could never repay them no matter how much I thanked them. It’s so hard of me now to put in effort in being caring and loving towards them, not to mention chaining my anger from being unleashed if I feel mistreated whenever they scold me unnecessarily –if you get what I mean. Yet strangely, that is part of my commitment to change for a better self.

If thanking and apologising isn’t a lip service, I don’t see any point of saying “thank you” to God either. I can’t seem to find the right word to thank God. May God protect me from any boastfulness but whenever I said “thank you”, I felt amiss. It’s like –He deserves more than a mere thanks. Even after praising and glorifying His Holy name, I still felt that wasn’t enough.

Because I was unable to repay Him in any way, I ended up asking for more; His Guidance. It’s strange because I can never repay my Creator. Tell me –how do you repay someone who’s been giving you things yet you know you cannot repay him because you yourself come from him?

I’m done… because I’m hurt
Hurt by my own feelings of conscience
The conscience in being conscious
To be earnest and true to myself at all times
In striving for the better part of me

Could this be… gratitude?

CHAPTER 6: The Typical Life; The Word Revealed

Peace and greetings


I guess it is time for me to actually end the stories behind my past in this very Chapter. First and foremost, I don’t want anyone to get an idea that I am writing all these simply to gain sympathy or attention, which I’d have probably thought someone stalking me would use that as an argument against me –as usual if someone doesn’t like you. A friend of mine understood me by saying that sometimes we need some space where we can pour out our thoughts. Secondly, despite that this blog is all about me, I don’t wish all the updates here to be only about my problems which might have deeply hurt me, like any other blogs –as in the term which you all coin as “personal”. My personal problems do not lie within my relationship with people but with everything in this universe and that includes God Himself. Whether I’m with or against Him (of course, I am not). In short, it is a philosophical problem(s).

Like I said in my PROLOGUE, a heated argument with my mother actually led me into blogging. Initially, it was about a short write-up of how I grew up. It was probably a blog of one of my friends who reverted to Islam from Buddhism that encouraged me to begin writing.

And here I am.

I had in mind, as a closing for the stories of my past, as to why I wrote about them. I was unsure if I ever told my father that neither he nor my mother understood what I’d been through. Inevitably, I was wrong to have said such and such. After all, we’re God’s creations. We have been through the cradles and like those before us we’ll leave this world and rot. Due to that, what gives me the right to utter to my elders that they never understood me when they too were once as young as I am?

During that time when I thought for a conclusion for this Chapter, somehow I’d know there will come a day when my child will cry to me that I’ve never understood him. At this, I can then share my journal of my life with him, that I was once him going through the obstacles of life on my own and felt frustrations, rejections and distrusts.

I understand that the previous two Chapters were probably dull because perhaps some bits here and there did not make any sense. I apologise for that; I was no longer in the mood to write about my past. It is not because I felt ashamed. Rather, the answer is as simple as “I was no longer in the mood” especially when I hadn’t been blogging for quite a while. Therefore, all the stuffs I had in mind were slowly dwindling into nothings or at least at the last row of shelves at the back of my mind. Having the need to access them would mean doing a dull job by traveling a little to retrieve the information I need.

It is more than one-third past two in the morning. To be honest, I am tired of writing. But I want to finish by writing the initial intentions which I had when I first began my first few official chapters in this blog.

As I shared about my past, as I reflected about them, I felt as though I was rewinding a video and watched them again. After all those efforts, I thought I finally understood what made me to become who I am today. So I thought that every tiny past in our lives in which we choose to neglect has in some way contributed to our present, to who we are, unconsciously or subconsciously. It was probably the fact that I used to be alone most of the time that resulted me in jumping to assumptions that I was a dejected one or everyone did not like me. It was probably that I used to harbour things to myself so much I felt emotional very easily. While being emotional proves oneself a human, being too overwhelmed without managing his emotions may lead to the downfall of himself. In this case, I’ve severed ties between me and people rather than making them.

I believe there are important reasons why we here in this world and why we are created individually unique from each other. And I truly believe in what we ought to believe. Even if you choose to reject this, why then should you spend your time in upbringing your kids according to your definition of being morally or ethically good especially if your dream is become a parent? Sharing about my past is probably an answer to that, or at least having some relations.

It is because I do not wish any other kid to grow up and waste his childhood without the understanding of the world. Speaking of it, I do have my own concerns about this world. As we can see, the world is progressing, moving towards advancement in technology. As a result, educations are raised to a higher standard and kids in our time will have to learn more than we did when we were their age. No doubt our descendants will be force to swallow more than what is fed into the kids’ brains today.

As I thought the days when I studied for my GCE ‘O’ Level Examination, I realise I’d made a big mistake by studying for the sake of getting distinction. At the materialistic state, the world views you as a genius with straight ‘A’s in your certificate –alright, probably not the world but majority especially if you’re living in where I am.

As someone who will soon turn 21 in a couple of days to come, I’d probably say that life isn’t simply about scoring distinctions for your academic studies. It is not about being the best. It is not how much fun or happiness you had. It has never even been about revolution or change.

It is about how you want to spend the remaining of your life; it is about how you want to leave this world when you die especially when you realise that you do have a purpose in life.

I failed to understand behind such purpose, thought of enjoying as a kid, always perceiving my views and beliefs as right while seeing others as strange or wrong as a teen.

The unknown letters behind the previous chapters are finally revealed; TYPICAL. Yes, my life is typical when compared to everybody else. I am nobody, just like any of you. Despite that, I have made mistakes in my life in which it is never alright to abandon or be erased from memory unless they are learnt. Yes, my life is typical. But do you even wish your kids to have wasted their childhood and left wandering on their own about their purposes of existence?

If they lose faith in God, it will be tough to steer them back to what we ought to believe. If we do so, we are putting constraints to their thoughts, imprisoning them to what they are required to believe and not what they are ought to believe. A lost soul is a lost soul until he finds himself on track, until he finds himself which route he has taken to.

I truly hope I have made myself clear as to why I decided to write about my past. I do not know when I will ever be inclined in writing about philosophical and theological issues. But I guess I want to end the stories of my past for now.

CHAPTER 5: The T_ _ _ _ _ _ Life; Changes

Peace and greetings


Graduation from Secondary school probably meant a great satisfaction for me. After all those efforts I put in especially in doing well for my GCE ‘N’ Level Examination as an NT student. Life as a private candidate was tough. First and foremost, I wasn’t equipped with same syllabus of studies as those students in NA and Express streams had. Secondly, due to the first point everything seemed to be a rush for me as I had to learn quick since there were loads for me to catch up especially if I wanted to be on par with those Express students sitting for GCE ‘O’ Level Examination.

I was putting so much effort for the first five months or so… until I got caught up with depression over my love (or possibly infatuation) with a friend whom I knew since I was fifteen. But because I don’t wish to share about that aspect of my life in which it involves others, I will proceed with that I’ve to share.

I used to think learning is fun during my secondary school days. It is simply because everything was so easy for me to understand. Science was simply about applying theories until I came to learn more in depth about several things –and under my Physics textbook, the problem for Moment (Moment = Force x Distance) became complicated. I could hardly understand such technical problems because I did not know that my state of mind was still stuck in the world of textbooks but not beyond the curiosity in searching for answers as to why things occur this or that way. I studied for my GCE ‘O’ Level Examination by doing assessment books, especially the ten-years –series, writing the answers and then immediately double-check them with the books’ answer keys.

The reason why I studied was because I wanted to be one of the top students again. I could now provide a reason as to why I wasn’t able to do the GCE ‘O’ Level standard for English Comprehension –it was because of my lack of understanding. I used to think the answers if the questions asked could simply be found in the passages but however at times critical thinking is needed. Or I should say a proper set of mind is needed. If you treat the English Comprehension like a piece of examination paper, you’ll feel the pressure of passing upon you. If you treat it like an article or any storybook you enjoy reading, you’ll understand it.

I was religiously inclined by then. At the same time, I was motivated in pursuing for my ambition; to be a filmmaker. Yet at this point, I wasn’t even exposed to any skills or techniques. I should have joined the Media Club during my secondary school days if I wanted to pursue my dream that badly. Hence I regarded the GCE ‘O’ Level Examination as a route to polytechnic. And I did get to enrol into one.

Like I said before, I was religiously inclined. I did put trust in God before this but the year after I graduated from my secondary school onwards, I began to read and ponder more into my religion.

Well, I did not really care about other religions because I always thought mine was right and so were my parents simply because they knew better than I did. I did not bother to question the authenticity of certain supplications or religious claims in books because I simply thought at the back of my mind they knew what they were saying. I was still influenced by the screen with four corners and by then, I had a taste of a particular new show; Kamen Rider. During that time, I was also engrossed into GUNDAM SEED DESTINY –just another anime nearly parallel to the real world in terms of wars rising from politics. Life was either like a cartoon or some superhero kicking baddies’ butts.

Of course, I knew the line between what was real and fiction. So, I filter out the fictitious parts and believed in the facts especially as portrayed in these shows and anime. However, I did still fantasise about them. Yet at the same time, I did have realistic ideologies or rather, ideals such as a dream for a peaceful world without discrimination. The word “discrimination” has probably made so much impact on me due to my instincts about how the students from the NT stream were despised upon that I probably began to take it on a global scale.

I think it is time to close the chapter with talking about how I’d lived during the years of my tertiary life.

I pray that I am earnest in this part of this update.

Life has changed me drastically since then. The start of my enrolment into polytechnic was joyful. The end, however, was sad, not merely because I’d be parted with some of my friends. Rather, I was sadden by the ties severed by me unintentionally (yes, it’d probably be you if you ever come to stalk me if I do still have your blog address, though I still have it somewhere). I watched myself leaving the school upon the official graduation with Husnah by my side in the bus, both of us lamenting about school days. I guess I’d people whom I’d severed ties with, not by my own force but by the mouth of someone, someone who thought it was the right thing to do by gossiping and backbiting about me and only admitted her faults to a friend of mine instead of apologising directly to me when it was me whom she has wronged.

Yes, I did have affection towards that someone and still do. But I am doing my best to forgive her. I am recovering from a disease and it has been the past few days that I prayed she’d have this disease to go through as a punishment from God for being unjust towards His fellow servant. Let me speak out of my grudge; how could someone speak about love when she mistreats her own brother in humanity, at least her brother through the veins of sons of Adam moreover we’re both from the same reason?

So in the end when she said I wasn’t practising what I preached, wasn’t she being the same as me too?

Pardon me to have digressed a little. I believe that someone was one of the reasons behind my change and part of my perception of the world. In fact come to think about it, there are so many factors that have contributed to changes in me and my perception towards my surrounding. I can’t seem to decide whether if I am an optimistic or pessimistic person. Either I am in between or the latter. But being both is being realistic, isn’t it? Happiness is short-lived but a silent joy remains eternal. However, what remains is; I am what the world has shaped me today.

That neither sounds good nor bad. The bad things which I saw in my past must have shaped me to a point that these things are probably now my habits in which I must fight to breakaway. Likewise, the good things I met from the past till now too have probably preserved some of my humanity so as to overcome the bad habits of mine.

Yes, I do have bad habits such as making assumptions deep within me towards other people and this often arises out of depression or rejection. Yet for every good deed, I try to understand and comprehend it why it is ought to be practised.

Another change that I had is probably doing critical thinking or reflection. But I must say that I want to end this Chapter here because I don’t feel like writing anymore.

To be honest ever since the long delay, I’ve nearly forgotten what I should write down. And after my latest encounter with a disease, I couldn’t help but bear a conflict within me with regards to the purpose of me writing all these.

I wish to remain as true to myself as much as possible.

CHAPTER 4: The T_ _ _ _ _ _ Life; Growing Up

Peace and greetings


(If anyone has been longing for an update, I would like to apologise for such a late one. Initially the delay was due to a need of time for recovery after what a former friend did to me, which hurt me so much I felt mistreated when she wrote things about me in her blog, indirectly referring to me. I felt worst when she told her friends –and possibly family members or relatives – about me, calling me a stalker and everything. I felt out of place and been heavily judged without anyone hearing my side of the story. Another couple of reasons why I delayed updating my blog are because due to the last minute of preparation for the Eid-Fitri festival, the auspicious day itself and then something came up without any of us expecting it would happen –I was down with Coxsackievirus A16 aka Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease. But I am recovering from that by the Grace of Lord. Unfortunately, I felt guilty for not able to hold onto patience during the duration of the test. Pardon me, God)

Previously, I shared about my life when I was still a Primary School boy. As for now, I’ll talk about my life as a teenager.

I was still twelve when I enrolled into Pasir Ris Secondary School. Needless to say, I was still behaving like a kid back then especially during the times I first joined the National Cadet Corps (NCC). I was a talkative and a childish one –an empty vessel. Subconsciously I was aware of some of my peers who disliked me, somewhat often casting me looks of disgust. I wasn’t spared from class bullies either, though mercifully I was only verbally abused. My first year in the Secondary School was probably the last year I cried in public. However because I do not intend to exaggerate matters especially if my secondary schoolmates were reading this, I feel the urge to inform that the word “bully” is rather a powerful word. Moreover, I faced it only less than half a year in school. Of course, that does not mean I did not get mistreated for the next three years in the school.

One horrifying fact which I did not tell anyone is that I was a bully too outside school. Probably because of the way how I was mistreated in school, I treated others the same way especially during tuition lessons. Luckily I did not have any history of throwing blows onto another person. But it is pretty upset as I typed down about it –an oppressed became the oppressor. An innocent kid with a pair of innocent glasses got oppressed and then turned into an oppressor towards other. Yes, if I remember correctly, I wore glasses only in school but not outside –probably a darker version of Clark Kent. I was probably a bully as well in the neighbourhood playground.

Despite such an unfortunate fate, these years were the years of glory, I should say. My duration of being a “bully” was only a few months in my first year. I think I probably started changing when I could not believe with my eyes and ears that I was ranked as second in class (and among the first-year of Normal Technical stream) in my academic achievements for half the year. That motivated me to be the first at the end of the year, which I did every single year in my Secondary school life.

I’d my own PlayStation back then, purchased with my own pocket money which I “earned” through collections during the Eid-Fitri of that year (or rather, shortly after I received my PSLE results). Hence the idea of me being second in class yet spending some time playing video games was undeniably surprising moreover when I had little focus on studies. I was still watching cartoons, though most of these were anime such as Digimon Adventures. My life was both like a game and cartoon. I was as though a main character in an RPG game since Final Fantasy IX was one of my favourites back then. Those were the days…

Tween could be a word to describe me back then; while I enjoyed fantasising myself as a protagonist of some stories –a big thanks to adventurous anime – however, I became someone else in the school, a student councillor aka school prefect.

I was as an empty vessel as how I was when I first came into the school, though I became strangely quiet in class yet childish during CCAs. This was something strange of me –different personalities and I was unconscious of that. I was a quiet and decent in class probably because I was a member of the student council and at the same time, had nearly no one to talk to especially with half the boys in class enjoyed teasing others. Most of the classmates whom I enjoyed talking to were Chinese. I’d no racial discrimination at all. For sure, we were all motivated towards our academic studies.

I would like to ask myself a question; what became of me? At the start of my third-year in Secondary school, I grew very egoistic. I mistreated a girl who sat beside me for nearly the entire year without at times having a shed of remorse. I felt guilty sometimes but it was a guilt best described as easily brushed off. I remember faming her to the class that she liked me –obviously, it would have been a weird couple for the two us if anyone had known how me from school. I remember talking to her harshly most of the time.

I’d no explanation behind such contempt I had for people. I’d no explanation why my emotions grew so strong in a negative way, so negative that I remember telling myself nobody liked me before the start of my third year of secondary school. I even harboured thoughts within myself that perhaps I didn’t get along so well with other students simply because I was a student from the Normal Technical (NT) stream while others were the ones everyone favoured upon such as the Normal Academic (NA) and the Express streams, the latter being probably classified as the clever ones. Such thoughts began growing in me at the age of fourteen.

During those years, I was obsessed with my studies and surprisingly, I became an avid reader. Of course, I wasn’t really into history or facts but novels such as The Lord of the Rings trilogy and J.K Rowling’s Harry Potter series, Goblet of Fire being my first ever novel to be read by me. I probably thought I was living up to the lives of some of these protagonists in those books especially Harry himself who had a crush on Cho Chang –I’d a crush on a Chinese girl too after the one I’d on my Student Council President. I probably thought I was living up-to-date with the latest trends and technology such as buying myself a large red sweater, Walkman and mp3 players. And I must include that I learnt how to download songs illegally. Those were the days, depressing and getting emotional and awkward about certain things. And I thought I was living my life up as though it was good to be an adolescent.

Ignorance is bliss moreover when the year I turned fifteen was the period I was exposed to not only fantasies from novels but songs and movies. These things did make an impact upon my life. In fact, they influenced me especially music. Little I knew that they were spoiling me my interest in studies e.g. instead of reading books on my way to tuition lessons, I listened to music until covering half the distance. Well, how would I know they were when I still had the desire to maintain my position as the top student in studies among the NT students in my batch? That desire was a burning passion of my strong urge to prove the NA and Express students that an NT student could succeed as much as they do yet at the same time motivated by the self-determination and courage of protagonists in novels and anime. Yu-Gi-Oh and Medabots were my favourites during that time.

I grew up to be influenced by the things around me and more dangerously, my own instincts. Sometimes till today, I tend to get obsessed with my ideas that I abandon the advices of others merely because of listening to my instincts. Probably instincts are innocent if egotism is to be blamed should the former have become accustomed to their ways. I was like a kid learning from all over the place as though a slum living among bins and self-taught to adapt to the surrounding. I would say I wasn’t properly brought up, though this might sound ungrateful of me. Probably what failed me in growing up was myself but come to think about it, was I still at fault if I hadn’t woken up to be conscious to the world around back then, even if I thought I had?

I tried living my life as an adolescent through novels and even literature –I began reading about poetries and even Shakespeare’s plays when I was in my third year of my secondary school life. And I was an NT student, which probably explains that literature wasn’t part of academic studies in NT stream. I thought what I felt must be real, thus so as the discrimination against NT students I felt during those days. So I assumed whatever I read could be trusted. This is exactly what would happen should kids be told to search knowledge through their textbooks only.

I did not have a proper conscience. All I had back then were based on religion (I started believing and praying again by the end of my first year of secondary school), media and needless to say, school etiquettes. Probably all these shaped my instincts and all the ideas developed in my mind. I was like one of those prisoners in Plato’s Cave; deciding things based only on what I had but never thought of exploring. Like the Truman Show, I thought everything was provided for me so I needed not have to search or even bothered about doing so. Probably, even the word “exploration” seemed a lot of work for me back then.

I graduated from my secondary school days and continued pursuing my dream in polytechnic, but not without getting through the hassles of the GCE ‘O’ Level Examination. I took the papers as a private candidate and my life began to change drastically.