Peace and greetings
(Again, I do not feel like typing but the legacy must go on. It is so easy to let go of a task and roll over in bed, assuming everything will be fine. After all the agonies, I do not want to underestimate the chances of occurrence of events, be it high or lower the chances are)
I do not really want to discuss about the matter of stealing –sometimes I just feel a strong remorse lingering within me. For the very first time, I confess the crime which I did –I am not proud of it and I don’t want to do it again. I stole my brother’s money, only to buy a Gameboy to entertain myself with virtual Pokémon adventures. Probably I’d never revealed this to anyone. I even lied back then. Of course, my family knew about that incident. But I don’t think I’d ever plucked up some courage in revealing this sin. Needless to say, my brother was very furious when he counted his savings. It was meant for school and to think about this as I am typing about it agonises me further. I did this when I was a Primary five kid.
I just hope anyone could see how the stage of my state when I was ten-years old onwards had led me into doing these stuffs. I got what I initially wanted as a kid, beginning from Digimon devices –I got the money through the collections I “naturally earned” from visiting of houses during Eid-Fitri and even lied to people for money or claimants of belongings to get more of those. I was ten when I did all these –and these were what my parents did not know, saved probably for the fact I spent my collections on these worthless toys. Visits to the arcade had probably led me into desiring more entertainments for myself. I wasn’t really satisfied with games out pixels on the Gameboy screen but yearned for coloured and 3D graphics as I was introduced into the undesirable youths’ games. And yes, I was addicted to computer games as well back then. But because I was exposed by something of a better quality in arcades, my hunger for all these entertainments escalated that I began to lie to some of my classmates I’d this video game console called PlayStation. Who could deny how popular it was when it first came?
I was deprived of all these, as a matter of fact. Yet, I still entertained myself by visiting the game shop at the void deck and tried out some of their latest games including Mega Man X5, Final Fantasy IX, Capcom vs. SNK and some others.
I thank God I’ve never drowned myself in alcoholic drinks or drugged myself (except for Panadol whenever I’d fever –I always used that as a humour), not to mention having a cigarette to smoke –I never smoke, really.
But I was influenced by my peers into watching wrestling shows too. It was WWF –World Wrestling Federation for those of you who thought the abbreviation was related to the preservation of wild and near-extinction wildlife. I don’t know what these wrestling entertainments have become –WWE or whatever. They don’t matter to me anymore –all these are purely entertainments acted out by actors with portrayals of bad manners, judging by their usages of vulgarities and cheats in wrestling matches (you don’t find true wrestlers behaving such ways as seen in the screen –true wrestlers are like any other practitioners of martial arts). Well, my brother would stay late at night during weekends to watch. So I joined as well.
My friends had their pencil cases slashed, so was mine. They wrote names of the WWF wrestlers on their pencil cases, so I did the same –the only difference was; I’d names of Marvel vs. Capcom 2 characters while they had well-known WWF wrestlers such as The Rock, Triple H, and Chris Jericho and so on –you-name-it. Oh wait –they’d printouts of some of the images of these wrestlers at cover their files too, so did I. They’d worms as pets, and I had mine. They owned toy guns (famously known as King Cobra), I owned one. You may want to say I was like a sheep following its herd –wherever they go, I would follow. Stupid fellow… I don’t know if I should say this but these friends of mine were boys –hey, I’m not a female!
I wasn’t really popular among the girls either, probably due to one of my thoughtless jokes of the phrase “I love you”. Probably I was rebellious towards my parents back then, behaving like a spoilt brat but was a coward towards my teachers (my class teacher was fierce and stern, mind you). I did not even attempt to defend myself at the accusation of me being a molester. The same girl that I joked about “I love you” had her mother came to school and questioned me if I ever molested her daughter. I said yes, although I didn’t.
I was brave with my friends but fearful when came to defend myself. I hope I’ll still able to defend my rights upon enlisting into National Service.
Yes, for the LAST TIME, I DID NOT MOLEST ANYONE –NOT EVEN ONCE IN MY LIFE, EVEN NOW!
(And I’d a female classmate during that year –a talkative one – telling me that so-and-so girl from my class said I sort of held up her skirt and looked or peeping underneath. Fine –I’ll clarify this again; I’ve never done that in my entire life. Probably that’s a stepping stone to why I cannot control my anger whenever people accuse me of what I am not today)
Be realistic! I was a nerd, following others blindly! What did this bunch of morons think during those days? That I was some kind of a peeping tom? When this news reached my parents, my mum thought I touched someone’s… private part? Really, if the same girl who put me into this accusation ever told her kids or anybody else that I did these stuffs she’s not getting away with this in the hereafter. I could hardly forgive her –I want my name cleared entirely. I want to go to paradise.
Hmm… that was probably a stepping stone of me having a bad relationship with girls –I’d a hard time talking to them. Hence, confessing my feelings towards any particular girl that I’d affection with often ended up in a disaster to a point a girl probably thought so high of herself called me a stalker recently –or some time ago (someone older than me had probably never checked the dictionary when she used the word me in her blog).
I did not have anyone to talk to back then. Despite those friends whom I hanged around with in school, I still did not have anyone close to me.
Finally, Primary-School-Leaving-Examinations (PSLE) arrived and somehow, I was into studying. Looking forward into studying was half-and-half, although the interest was there. But at the same time, I made a deal with my elder sister that should I ever score an aggregate to enrol in the Normal Academic stream, she should buy me a video console PlayStation –I was always making deals with her because I was probably been pampered by her often when I was younger.
Normal Technical stream was probably seen as a bad route –already, in Primary schools during those days, we’d three streams; the EM1, EM2 and the less-capable EM3. The latter was always the minority. So, I thought Normal Technical stream was a bad one too because of people telling me this and that about it (but I turned out to be one of top Malay students for GCE ‘N’ Level Examinations 2005 in the nation, anyway –LOL).
I had a nightmare during post-PSLE. Examinations were long over and we were waiting for the results. I dreamt that I got into the Normal Technical stream. I sort of cried about it during my visit to the hospital as my father was hospitalised. If I remember correctly, it was during the fasting month. When I got the PSLE result, needless to say I got into that undesired stream. My hopes of getting the PlayStation went crashing before my very eyes.
While I began to repent when I was in Primary six shortly after the incident of September 11 2010 where the twin towers in America got hijacked by planes, began performing my five daily prayers lest the end-of-world and the Antichrist (Al-Masih Ad-Dajjal) would come, I somehow apostate the moment I got back my PSLE results. Probably I couldn’t really accept the fact that God abandoned me during that time (funny for a partying kid to lose faith easily simply over bad results).
Ignorance was bliss. Life became beautiful without and then with faith. That was how my life became for the next couple of years.
In any case, I feel like sharing that despite the peers I had even when I was in both Primary Five and Six, I was still lonely. Probably I did not have any important problems to discuss. And sometimes, my peers had this strange habit in alienating one of us from the group because of some mistakes or habit of that particular person. Whenever it was my turn, life was dark for me and I did not even share anything about it with my family. I mingled with some other students from other classes and yet, I wasn’t close to anyone.
Somehow, a line occurred in my head. It was given by my Primary Six form teacher; “attitude not aptitude determines altitude”.
Come to think about it, probably who I am right now is the by-product of all those events happened in the past.
But had the coming years been pleasant for me? Before I could answer that question, please go to sleep and await the next chapter.
(Again, I do not feel like typing but the legacy must go on. It is so easy to let go of a task and roll over in bed, assuming everything will be fine. After all the agonies, I do not want to underestimate the chances of occurrence of events, be it high or lower the chances are)
I do not really want to discuss about the matter of stealing –sometimes I just feel a strong remorse lingering within me. For the very first time, I confess the crime which I did –I am not proud of it and I don’t want to do it again. I stole my brother’s money, only to buy a Gameboy to entertain myself with virtual Pokémon adventures. Probably I’d never revealed this to anyone. I even lied back then. Of course, my family knew about that incident. But I don’t think I’d ever plucked up some courage in revealing this sin. Needless to say, my brother was very furious when he counted his savings. It was meant for school and to think about this as I am typing about it agonises me further. I did this when I was a Primary five kid.
I just hope anyone could see how the stage of my state when I was ten-years old onwards had led me into doing these stuffs. I got what I initially wanted as a kid, beginning from Digimon devices –I got the money through the collections I “naturally earned” from visiting of houses during Eid-Fitri and even lied to people for money or claimants of belongings to get more of those. I was ten when I did all these –and these were what my parents did not know, saved probably for the fact I spent my collections on these worthless toys. Visits to the arcade had probably led me into desiring more entertainments for myself. I wasn’t really satisfied with games out pixels on the Gameboy screen but yearned for coloured and 3D graphics as I was introduced into the undesirable youths’ games. And yes, I was addicted to computer games as well back then. But because I was exposed by something of a better quality in arcades, my hunger for all these entertainments escalated that I began to lie to some of my classmates I’d this video game console called PlayStation. Who could deny how popular it was when it first came?
I was deprived of all these, as a matter of fact. Yet, I still entertained myself by visiting the game shop at the void deck and tried out some of their latest games including Mega Man X5, Final Fantasy IX, Capcom vs. SNK and some others.
I thank God I’ve never drowned myself in alcoholic drinks or drugged myself (except for Panadol whenever I’d fever –I always used that as a humour), not to mention having a cigarette to smoke –I never smoke, really.
But I was influenced by my peers into watching wrestling shows too. It was WWF –World Wrestling Federation for those of you who thought the abbreviation was related to the preservation of wild and near-extinction wildlife. I don’t know what these wrestling entertainments have become –WWE or whatever. They don’t matter to me anymore –all these are purely entertainments acted out by actors with portrayals of bad manners, judging by their usages of vulgarities and cheats in wrestling matches (you don’t find true wrestlers behaving such ways as seen in the screen –true wrestlers are like any other practitioners of martial arts). Well, my brother would stay late at night during weekends to watch. So I joined as well.
My friends had their pencil cases slashed, so was mine. They wrote names of the WWF wrestlers on their pencil cases, so I did the same –the only difference was; I’d names of Marvel vs. Capcom 2 characters while they had well-known WWF wrestlers such as The Rock, Triple H, and Chris Jericho and so on –you-name-it. Oh wait –they’d printouts of some of the images of these wrestlers at cover their files too, so did I. They’d worms as pets, and I had mine. They owned toy guns (famously known as King Cobra), I owned one. You may want to say I was like a sheep following its herd –wherever they go, I would follow. Stupid fellow… I don’t know if I should say this but these friends of mine were boys –hey, I’m not a female!
I wasn’t really popular among the girls either, probably due to one of my thoughtless jokes of the phrase “I love you”. Probably I was rebellious towards my parents back then, behaving like a spoilt brat but was a coward towards my teachers (my class teacher was fierce and stern, mind you). I did not even attempt to defend myself at the accusation of me being a molester. The same girl that I joked about “I love you” had her mother came to school and questioned me if I ever molested her daughter. I said yes, although I didn’t.
I was brave with my friends but fearful when came to defend myself. I hope I’ll still able to defend my rights upon enlisting into National Service.
Yes, for the LAST TIME, I DID NOT MOLEST ANYONE –NOT EVEN ONCE IN MY LIFE, EVEN NOW!
(And I’d a female classmate during that year –a talkative one – telling me that so-and-so girl from my class said I sort of held up her skirt and looked or peeping underneath. Fine –I’ll clarify this again; I’ve never done that in my entire life. Probably that’s a stepping stone to why I cannot control my anger whenever people accuse me of what I am not today)
Be realistic! I was a nerd, following others blindly! What did this bunch of morons think during those days? That I was some kind of a peeping tom? When this news reached my parents, my mum thought I touched someone’s… private part? Really, if the same girl who put me into this accusation ever told her kids or anybody else that I did these stuffs she’s not getting away with this in the hereafter. I could hardly forgive her –I want my name cleared entirely. I want to go to paradise.
Hmm… that was probably a stepping stone of me having a bad relationship with girls –I’d a hard time talking to them. Hence, confessing my feelings towards any particular girl that I’d affection with often ended up in a disaster to a point a girl probably thought so high of herself called me a stalker recently –or some time ago (someone older than me had probably never checked the dictionary when she used the word me in her blog).
I did not have anyone to talk to back then. Despite those friends whom I hanged around with in school, I still did not have anyone close to me.
Finally, Primary-School-Leaving-Examinations (PSLE) arrived and somehow, I was into studying. Looking forward into studying was half-and-half, although the interest was there. But at the same time, I made a deal with my elder sister that should I ever score an aggregate to enrol in the Normal Academic stream, she should buy me a video console PlayStation –I was always making deals with her because I was probably been pampered by her often when I was younger.
Normal Technical stream was probably seen as a bad route –already, in Primary schools during those days, we’d three streams; the EM1, EM2 and the less-capable EM3. The latter was always the minority. So, I thought Normal Technical stream was a bad one too because of people telling me this and that about it (but I turned out to be one of top Malay students for GCE ‘N’ Level Examinations 2005 in the nation, anyway –LOL).
I had a nightmare during post-PSLE. Examinations were long over and we were waiting for the results. I dreamt that I got into the Normal Technical stream. I sort of cried about it during my visit to the hospital as my father was hospitalised. If I remember correctly, it was during the fasting month. When I got the PSLE result, needless to say I got into that undesired stream. My hopes of getting the PlayStation went crashing before my very eyes.
While I began to repent when I was in Primary six shortly after the incident of September 11 2010 where the twin towers in America got hijacked by planes, began performing my five daily prayers lest the end-of-world and the Antichrist (Al-Masih Ad-Dajjal) would come, I somehow apostate the moment I got back my PSLE results. Probably I couldn’t really accept the fact that God abandoned me during that time (funny for a partying kid to lose faith easily simply over bad results).
Ignorance was bliss. Life became beautiful without and then with faith. That was how my life became for the next couple of years.
In any case, I feel like sharing that despite the peers I had even when I was in both Primary Five and Six, I was still lonely. Probably I did not have any important problems to discuss. And sometimes, my peers had this strange habit in alienating one of us from the group because of some mistakes or habit of that particular person. Whenever it was my turn, life was dark for me and I did not even share anything about it with my family. I mingled with some other students from other classes and yet, I wasn’t close to anyone.
Somehow, a line occurred in my head. It was given by my Primary Six form teacher; “attitude not aptitude determines altitude”.
Come to think about it, probably who I am right now is the by-product of all those events happened in the past.
But had the coming years been pleasant for me? Before I could answer that question, please go to sleep and await the next chapter.
No comments:
Post a Comment